Friday, July 30, 2010

I FOUND my glutes!

One of my friends, we'll call her Hard Body (HB for short) teaches the Extreme Abs class (among others) at my gym.  We were talking a couple months back ...
HB:  "You should come to my Extreme Abs class"
Me: "Are you kidding?  I couldn't do 30 minutes of nothing but abs!"
HB: "Oh, no, we 'only' do 15 of abs, the other 15 is glutes."
Me: "No, see, I don't think I have glute muscles."
HB: "Oh, trust me, they're there.  Come to my class, you'll be introduced to them!"
So, I went to her spin class then stayed for The Great Glute Discovery Expedition!!

Not me doing the "Quadruped Hip Extension"
The first time out I didn't have a lot of luck.  The first attempt at finding them was a move sort of like the one called the "Quadruped Hip Extension" pictured to the right....except we were in a prone position, with just the top of our chest up a little...legs are straight back.  The working leg is curled around a small weighted ball (instead of a barbell).  The idea is to lift the working leg straight up to the ceiling while not letting go of the ball.  I couldn't do it!  I was able to get a little lift, but only by using my hamstring muscle, which quickly cramped up.

HB was telling me, "you can do it!"...and I was mentally reminding her, "I DON'T HAVE GLUTES!!  REMEMBER??"  Later that same day a lady trying to sell me a dress told me I had the perfect FLAT butt for that kind of dress.  She went on to say that people like HB, with a bubble butt, can't wear that kind of dress because it doesn't hang right.

Now, I know she might have thought she was giving me a compliment-but, really?  I have a flat butt?  I always thought I had more than my share of junk in the trunk, I just thought it was FAT when it "should have" been muscle.  Since then, I've been told THREE TIMES my butt is FLAT.  Once, "as a pancake" was added for good measure. 

The day after that first "expedition", I heard the ever-so-slight whisper from my glutes muffled under layers of...insulation.  They were calling, "I'm here...don't give up on me.  Please come find me!!"

At the end of yesterday's beat down torture session (AKA "Group Power"), HB had us do some glute moves--and I think for the first time I actually FELT a real muscle when she said, "SQUEEZE!!!"

EUREKA!!!  THEY REALLY ARE THERE!!!

So...last night we were in the local book store searching for a magazine my daughter's friend is in (!!) when I saw  THIS magazine:

Really?  A whole magazine?  Just then, it jumped off the shelf into my hand as if my butt had beckoned it, like when the ambulance shows up after you dial 911!   (It's actually a special edition of Oxygen magazine devoted to the derriere.)  My darling husband was appalled that I would even pick it up, but the idea that I could actually have an apple bottom without using something like the "Booty Pop" my daughter suggested I buy the other day is fascinating!  .....wow, she was trying to tell me, in a nice way, that I really don't have "back" like I have thought all these years!!  (That actually makes four times!)


As I was looking over the magazine full of apple bottom girls...my darling husband (who thought he was being helpful) told me that I just don't have the body shape to have a tush like any of those in the magazine.  If he stopped there it might have been okay, but NO....he had to elaborate....  "Sweetheart, I love you just the way you are, but your butt really is FLAT..."  (even stopping there would have been okay, not great, but okay.  But no....he had to add on, "and WIDE!!"  Yes, folks, my butt is flat and wide.  Honestly, I always knew the wide part, but combined with flat?  That is just COMPLETELY unattractive!!  

Listen all you naysayers out there (yes, sweetheart, I'm talking to YOU)....it's muscle.  It's obviously just atrophied from having NEVER been used (no wonder I never could do all those high school drill team moves!!).   Now that I know the truth, I'm going to work my butt ON!! 

Yes, I bought the magazine.   I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for stopping in, come again soon!
:D

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