Reverse Engineering and Coming Up Empty

Fair warning...I'm back to talking about my brain.

I used to think I live in the engineer capital of the world until I sat down to write this post and did a little Google search and found this link (who knows how accurate it is and furthermore I really didn't read it,  I just looked at the pictured linked at the bottom). Nevertheless, there are a lot of engineers in Huntsville. More than that, I live with an "engineer". I put it in quotes because my husband's degree is electrical engineering but he hasn't ever had a job as an electrical engineer. But he has that kind of brain. I like to think I do to. When there is a problem, I want to figure out WHY and solve it. In my mind an engineer figures out how things work and they make them better.

I woke up this morning in tremendous pain. Not my legs like you might think after my "long run" yesterday. It was my hands and elbows. My hands hurt so bad I struggled to get the charging cord out of my phone and I couldn't make a fist. I couldn't close my hands without pain. Swelling is a side effect of steroids, but I have taken that to be a different kind of swelling; maybe I'm wrong.

Of course my first thought was "what did I eat that did this to me?!" The bad thing about trying to figure out food triggers is that a symptom can show up three days after you eat it. This could still be a reaction from whatever it was I had on Friday. Maybe it isn't food at all. Maybe it was from the run and it's just generalized joint swelling; I just feel it more in my hands? Maybe it's the antibodies attacking. Almost like damming up a stream of water and then taking the dam away-the water rushes harder and faster than it was before the dam was put in place.

WHO KNOWS!!

To diagnose means to identify the nature of an illness or other problem by examination of the symptoms. Looking at my symptoms can give clues but it doesn't give the full picture. Traditional Western medicine solves problems in this manner. What are your symptoms? What box do those symptoms fit inside? Here's a solution to solve those symptoms.

That model doesn't usually get back to the root of the problem.

Think of a bird that can't fly. You see it has a hurt wing so you repair the wing. But then it pops up with a hurt wing again. You didn't solve the CAUSE you solved the symptom. You cured the resultant trouble but you didn't do anything to take care of why that bird had a hurt wing in the first place.

I think this is where "functional medicine" comes into play. It's harder than just looking at symptoms and correcting the resultant outcomes.

I think it's much like reverse engineering. There are different ways to reverse engineer something. One way is to take a program that is running and apply procedures to trace back the coding that was done to make that program work. Another way is to take apart a piece of machinery to see how it's built and how it all fits together.

When thinking through what could be happening in my body the possibilities are endless in my opinion. I could (okay, I HAVE) made myself crazy trying to figure it out.

And then I had lunch with a friend the other day.

This friend has a genetic/congenital condition that makes her connective tissue not function like it should. Think about it...this impacts every cell in your body. How your muscles and organs work, how your blood vessels work....  Imagine holding something that should have the viscosity of play dough but it's more like slime. My friend didn't cause this from anything she did or didn't do. It's not something she ate, and nothing she eats can CHANGE what is happening in her body. There's no emotional trauma in her past that has to be worked through. There are no exercises that will take this condition away.

And yet, there are things under her control. There are things that can make the resultant outcomes of the condition worse. There are foods that can aggravate it or work to counter the impact it has on her body.

There's a coupling of what is and is not under our direct control when it comes to our bodies. I have wanted/want this thing happening to me/in me to be under my direct influence. Yes, that is maddening when tracing outcomes back to the source is hard. But with time and work it could be done if that was the only factor.

I'm (slowly) coming to realize that it's not all under my direct influence. Just like my friend can't change the way she was born. But we can all adapt. I can learn to understand what is happening better. I can and should do all I can. But I have to keep in mind that all I can might not make big changes in the outcome. The hard part for me is the same for this medical condition as it is for training for triathlon. Doing my best and letting that be "good enough" because my best is all I have.

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.
:D

Not How Far I've Come, Not Where I'm Going...but Where I'm AT!

As I was writing my last post, particularly about the "almost swim workout" I did Thursday before last, it made me stop and think about how far I've come since I started this journey just barely over three years ago.  (I won't recap here because I do that at the end of every year.

Although I do think it's important to take time to look back every now and then, it can be a bit distracting, especially when you've back tracked a bit, or when you're side-lined due to injury.  I can tend to get stuck on "well, I was doing well...but then THIS happened..."

Remember when you moved to the "big calculator"?

Last Saturday I was certainly experiencing that distraction and feeling all sorry for myself when I got a call from one of my athletes, some texts from another, and a FaceBook tag from yet another.  One of them had run her very first 5K one year ago in 39ish minutes.  She ran the same course last week in 28 something, and won 3rd in her age group.  To top it off, the run was just part of a long "slow" run (with miles before and after the event)!!

I could so clearly see how far they had come in such a short time and reminded myself that looking back, when you're not as far along as you have been, shouldn't be used as a tool to beat yourself up (GASP!).  It should be a reminder there's no reason I can't get back there again and move beyond that spot.

Why is it we (okay, I'll own it an say "I")...why is it I have such a hard time realizing how far I've come?  Even harder is imagining all I can do with hard work.  But even more difficult...I have the hardest time focusing on, and more importantly, HONORING, where I'm at right now.

At the beginning of every Spin class I teach, I tell everyone to think about what they came to get out of that class ("think about...why you're here").  I remind them throughout the class to not think about what happened yesterday or what they have to do later on, but to stay focused on their individual goal for that moment in time....and to give it all they have to give.  It's pretty selfish really, because I know it helps me to stay focused...I don't know if it really helps anyone else or not!  :D

And, remember when you lost the extra wheels?

It's too easy to get caught up in thinking about anything other than where I'm at on this journey RIGHT NOW, mainly because it's usually not where I WANT to be!!  But...man...that's a GREAT thing.  That edge of discontentment means I'm driven.  It means I want more than to stay put.  I saw a picture on FaceBook that said, "One day I want to honestly say, 'I made it!'"  I don't know...I can see saying that (and I have said it at the end of long workouts or at a finish line) and feeling it ("I've made it") but only for a moment, not with the finality that picture implies.  I have come to love that part of me that never really feels like I've done "my best". 

The thing I'm coming to realize is I don't have to give up my drive and my desire to do better in order to appreciate where I'm at right now.  In fact, honoring this moment in time is part of the way I will be able to get better.  I look at what I'm doing now.  This day.  This workout.  This moment.  If I'm giving all I have to give to make the training session what it needs to be, I can say, "YES!!  That's great..."  When I can stay focused on the task at hand I am able to give it all I have.  If I'm distracted-thinking about anything else other than what I'm doing-I'm NOT giving all I have.  It's as simple as that.

Time to go give all I have to my swim this morning.  All I have today is not all I had a few months ago, and it's not much compared to all I hope to have next month....but I'll give it what I've got on this day.

Thanks for stopping in, come again soon.  :D

What are you willing to sacrifice to reach your goal?

I've been asking myself that a lot lately, but especially after reading this article.  Mainly because I think I haven't been sacrificing very much.  I've been doing fairly well on workouts--getting them done and maintaining effort throughout the whole thing...but "fairly well" will only get me "fairly close" to my goals.

So...what am I not sacrificing??

I'm not sacrificing my my willingness to quit on myself.  This one is huge, and if you've been reading my blog long, you know it's one I've been dealing with for a long time.  Giving up has many "flavors", but when you boil them all down, they all taste like self-imposed failure.  I've been working very hard to get beyond this tendency, and I have come a LONG way...but days like this past Sunday remind me just how far I still have to go.

Sunday I woke up tired.  I almost fell asleep in my husband's Sunday school class (something that NEVER happens because I think he is the best SS teacher EVER).  Several e3 Multisport tribe mates were going for a group ride (led by our great coaches) at 1.  I'll spare you the entire inner dialogue I had with myself just to get me to the meeting spot, but here are some highlights of the conversation...

• I have no idea what to wear, it's slightly cold, but I tend to get hot...I don't have good biking clothes....(I looked at the weather and had a couple of options available of acceptable clothes.)
• I don't know if I'll have enough time to get there after church...(I got all my stuff ready the night before; we planned on driving to church separately so I could leave immediately at 12:15, giving me "plenty" of time to get home/changed/out there.)
• I'm out of EFS, what on Earth will I take to eat on this 3 hour ride??  (I packed a couple of Lara bars and 2 bottles of water and knew that would be fine enough.)
• I'm not going to be able to keep up--these are serious bike riders...(Eric said there would be "all paces" although I was pretty sure I would be bringing up the rear, but someone has to be last; I told myself I will never get faster if I don't ride with faster people.)
• What if I get lost??  (I would have my phone which has Google maps...not like I've not ever ridden alone before.)
• I'd bet money there will be a lot of hills...Eric LOVES hills.  I picked NOLA because it's flat......

Well...when I was on the way home from church I saw Eric had posted the route on "mapmyride"....I thought I'd be doing myself a favor by making sure I knew where we were going...wrong.    What it did was FREAK ME OUT because of the massive HILL we were going to climb.



I didn't even take a good long look...I didn't have to...that point in the middle was all I needed to see.  I took a deep breath and told myself, "DON'T BE AFRAID...JUST DO IT!!"  I also gave myself permission to not go up that thing, reasoning I don't have to climb Everest to be able ride NOLA.

Before we even left the parking lot I fell over!!  You can't clip out on the left and lean to the right-it just doesn't work that way!  When we started riding I was feeling pretty decent and keeping up...for a few miles anyway.  Then I started falling behind.  It's interesting...when I glanced at the elevation profile I only saw the one obvious hill...I didn't see all the others.  It might not look like it but that's what I would call a hilly ride.  (Again...that's why I picked NOLA, hills wear me out.)  I was already WAY behind when we got to the monster.  I wanted to just wait at the bottom, but Eric was having none of that.  He said I could do it so I decided I wouldn't revert to a temper-tantrum-throwing-three-year-old and listen to his voice ("You CAN do this...just relax and pedal.") more than the one SCREAMING in my head ("ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN CLIMB THAT HILL ON THE BIKE!!")

As I started up I got scared and threw on the brakes...and fell over.  I got back up and started again.  I heard a vehicle behind me, got scared, threw on the brakes...and fell over.  I got back up and started again.  I made it up to a false flat and had the flash in my mind I was probably only about a fourth of the way up--IF THAT--and realized "THIS IS FREAKING HARD!!!"  Rather than just taking a deep breath and pushing up that hill...I tapped the brakes...and...FELL OVER.  Eric came up beside me and told me to get back on and get up the hill...I had to remind myself that I'm a grown woman and there was no sense in crying like a 4 year old even though that's exactly what I felt like doing.  He must have realized just how close to breaking down I was and told me it to look at how far I had come already.  He said to go back down; they'd meet me at the bottom. 

I think the thing I don't like about such steep climbs (other than just how HARD they are) is that I can't slow down or stop if I want to....because doing so will cause me to...fall over, of course.  I feel slightly TRAPPED in the effort of it all with no escape.  

not my tire

I composed myself, got back on my bike and started down this hill blazing fast (something I LOVE LOVE LOVE), when I heard a POP.  It sounded like a gun or ...a tire.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's a miracle I didn't crash and was able to get the bike safely stopped--WITHOUT falling over!!  I was so proud of myself because I knew how to change a flat and had all my tools with me like I'm supposed to.  However, when I got the new tube aired up I saw a bulge in the side of the tire.  I realized it shouldn't look like that but I had no idea what I needed to do in order to fix it.  Eric came down about that time and stopped to help me.  LONG story short we ended up having to change the whole tire (thanks so much to an extra-prepared training buddy!!).  FINALLY we were on the way back.

Pretty much the whole way I was beside myself with anguish over giving up...and over how stinking slow I am on the bike.  I wanted to ride faster, and kept telling myself (out loud) to DIG DANA DIG...WORK...COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT.  That worked for short bursts until another tribe mate rode up alongside of me and started talking.  I have a great deal of respect for her and really wanted to hear what she had to say so I worked as hard as I could to stay up with her until we got back to the parking lot (much harder than I would have worked if I were by myself I'm sure).

When I told her about not making it up the hill, she asked me if I had just not pedaled fast enough and I said yes.  But the more I thought about what happened I realized that simply was not the truth...I fell over because I hit my own brakes.  What's really ironic is the realization that I hit my brakes because I was afraid I was going to fall over.  I caused the very thing I was so afraid of.  (That's not to say I might not have fallen over anyway, but that's beside the point.)

The next day's workout consisted of back-to-back SPINNING classes and a pyramid run immediately afterward.  I had to make myself go to SPINNING, make myself stay for the second class, make myself WORK HARD THE WHOLE TIME (really hard not just look like I was working hard).  I really wanted to skip the run altogether but instead I allowed myself to take a slightly easier run workout instead of the one that was planned.  (Eric said the one I did is actually harder, but it FEELS easier to me.)  Just like going part of the way up that hill was better than not going up any of it, doing any sprint workout after the double SPINNING classes was better than not doing anything at all...but the truth is it's still a sacrifice of my goal.

I set this half-iron goal for myself.  The only one I will be hurting by giving up is ME.  The only one who will be sorry is ME.  I don't want to allow following my training plan "fairly well" to get me "fairly close" to my limits.  I want to give MY BEST effort to have MY BEST result.  In order to do that I have to be willing to sacrifice giving up on myself.

A dear friend gave me a copy of Facing the Giants after I wrote the post titled "Is My Best Good Enough".  My favorite scene from that movie shows what it MIGHT look like to give my best.  Although I don't quite know how to blindfold my MIND...I'm still working on it.   (Don't forget to pause the music so you can hear this clip...it's completely worth 6ish minutes of your time, trust me!!)



Thanks for stopping in...come again soon!! :D

Up for the Challenge

Somehow I pulled my right soleus last week and ended up going to a CHIROPRACTOR.  The fact I spent over ten years in the insurance adjusting field should tell you why this is "said" in such an incredulous "tone"...  However, to my pleasant surprise, Dr. Olsen took such great care of me I was back up and running (literally) the very next day!!  He didn't do the pop and prod type of chiropractic adjustments...he did Active Release Therapy (think focused massage while moving the muscle). 

Although he told me to stay away from hills...I sort of didn't really listen to that part; this past Sunday I CONQUERED Cecil Ashburn on foot.

Well...maybe "conquered" is a little too strong of a word...but (for the locals) I ran from the Rave theater to my house (just over 9 miles), so it was the "easy" way.  For non-locals, here's the elevation profile from my Garmin (you can see why the direction I ran was "easy", right?  (I did go VERY slow and I walked a couple of times-but only about 30-45 seconds total.)  Wow...this is the first time I've looked at this...makes me realize just how much I didn't listen to the good doctor!

But, as Coach Eric always says, "WE LOVE HILLS!!  HILLS MAKE US STRONG"...today I got some (more) proof of how right he is.  My day started at the pool but that's not the "proof" I want to talk about.  Afterwards I went for a run on the trail I usually take with Daisy (who, sadly, was not with me today).  I am pretty sure our best time together on that trail to date has been 35:XX minutes.  I think my very best time alone has been about 34:XX minutes.  Today.........THIRTY TWO MINUTES AND THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS!!! 

The whole time I was running I felt like I was moving through mud.  It seemed as though I couldn't make my legs GO.  When I would look at my pace it was almost always under, or right around, 9...but I didn't believe it.  I thought my Garmin was not being honest with me, just trying to keep me from quitting.  (The pace usually seems off on the trails.)  When I STOPPED TO TIE MY SHOE and when I STOPPED TO TIE MY SKIRT (because it kept trying to fall off)...I considered walking since I "knew" my time would be so slow.  I decided I had to keep going if only for the experience of slogging out a tough run when I didn't feel up to the challenge. 

I've talked about the part of the route where the trail meets the road before...it's where Daisy used to tell me, "it's only SIX minutes to the car from here".  When I got there I thought I might just slow down to a jog, but THANKFULLY I checked the time instead of just looking at my pace...27:??.  My thoughts at that point: 

"REALLY???  TWENTY SEVEN???....plus 6 is only 33...that's a PR on this route....REALLY???  AS SLOW AS I HAVE FELT ON THIS RUN???  NO WAY I'M SLOWING DOWN NOW!!!"

I didn't PUSH it as hard as I could because it was supposed to be an "easy" run today...and I know speed work is tomorrow.  I kept telling myself I didn't have anything to prove, it wasn't a race, and more than that, it was a TRAINING RUN that was supposed to be EASY.  I was not running as if racing, but I certainly wasn't holding back either!  I wanted that PR...and you should have heard me WHOOP when I stopped my watch and saw I had made it even faster than I expected. 

Yup, again...Eric was right.  I guess it's only five minutes to the car now, huh??

Thanks for stopping in!  Come again soon!
:D

Promise of Pain Delivered and the Three Erics

I had an email conversation recently with Eric Charette about marathon training.  I was concerned about trying to figure out what pace I needed to be running.  The pace outlined in my plan was slower than what I believed it needed to be, but at the same time, I didn't want to over reach and end up getting injured.  He gave me some good information and then had this to say:

This is going to hurt... I promise you that.  This is going to be difficult.  I promise you that.  But you have it in you to do it.

I lived out his promise on the track yesterday.

I had missed our group workout Wednesday night so I ended up having to do speed work on my own.  It might have been okay except I swam first...on an empty stomach...and it turned into a speed work session also.  See, I have the good fortune of being able to swim with a Master's coach who tells me what to do in the moment so I have no idea what's coming up next.  Yesterday he had me finish the morning with 6 X 100 FAST...I did my best to do my best--I seriously nearly puked in the pool!!  I've never pushed myself THAT hard for THAT long.

After I changed from my swim suit to my running outfit, I started mental negotiations.  "I haven't eaten anything, I should eat then go back out later for the track workout.  I'm EXHAUSTED from the swim...it's okay to skip a speed workout, that's life, right?  If I go ahead and do it, I have an excuse not to push as hard or stop it early.  I don't want to get hurt."

There it was..."hurt"...  I immediately flashed back to Eric's words of wisdom.  He promised it WOULD hurt.  He promised it WOULD be difficult.  But he also told me I had it in me to do it.  (There is a difference between "hurt" and "injured" and I'm learning it's really not okay NOT to push into the pain cave under the guise of injury protection.)

So...THANKS TO ERIC, for making that promise and giving me the same boost so many other great friends have given me in the past (believing I CAN do "it"), I drove straight to the track!!  The workout was supposed to be a mile warm up, 12 X 400 -every other one at a 2:15ish pace, then a mile cool down.  I didn't want to stress out about the pacing so I just decided to give it all I had each time and not look at my watch.  The first time around I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to do it a second time.  After the recover 400... I did in fact do it again, but it felt like it took me a lot longer.   After a second recovery, on my third fast 400, I wasn't sure I was going to make it all the way around.  When I hit about the 250 yard "mark", Eric's words SCREAMED in my head...over and over for 150 yards.

HE PROMISED THIS WAS GOING TO HURT...HE WAS RIGHT!!!

After the third recovery I didn't want to go a fourth time...but I knew I still had 3 more fast 400s left to finish what was on my plan for the day.  About that time words from another Eric (Patterson) rang in my ears...  SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP!!  I remembered a post he wrote a long time ago about behaving in accordance with a decision previously made-something that has stuck with me ever since reading it-and I started my fourth fast 400, although after about 200 it felt like I was going to hurl the previous night's dinner (since I had yet to eat breakfast)...or maybe pass out before I made it all the way around the track.

I almost quit then, sure I wasn't even coming close to my target pace goal since I could feel myself slowing.  But, during my fourth recovery I remembered too many quotes from yet another Eric (Doehrman) to list.  So on my fourth and fifth fast 400s I thought something about giving less than 100% in training means not being able to give 100% in a race...good athletes train even when they don't feel like it...the need for being comfortable in the PAIN CAVE...and (even though I was on a flat track, for some reason I could hear Eric D. saying:) "WE LOVE HILLS--THEY MAKE US STRONG!!!  (During the 5th recovery all I could think was BREATH, don't puke...)

As I started my sixth and final fast 400...all three Eric's were running along side of me (at what amounts to a jogging pace for them)...yelling at me.  In a good way.  In an encouraging way.  In an inspiring way.  They were all telling me to embrace the pain and KEEP RUNNING!! PUSH!!!  FASTER!!!  JUST A FEW MORE SECONDS!!!

As I jogged/walked my final recovery 400, and then ran/jogged my mile cool down, I looked at my times.

1:38 (6:34 pace)
1:41 (6:46 pace)
1:44 (6:58 pace)
1:46 (7:06 pace)
1:47 (7:10 pace)
1:42 (6:50 pace)

I like how even though the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th intervals did get progressively slower...I was able to speed up for the last one (with the help of the three Eric's yelling at me all along the way!!).

I know those are not fast times for most people...but I think for most 42 year old women who have been running less than 2 years, that's not too stinking bad!!!  

Eric was right.

Thanks for stopping in.  Come again soon!

Someone Like Me

I was having coffee by chance with someone who I would call a dear friend the other day.  I say by chance because he was on his way out of Starbucks as I was on my way in and he sat down for a chat before he headed out.

I think he was giving me a compliment, but that part of me that can't seem to accept any form of praise has rewritten the intent most of me believes he had.  Basically he said he was proud of me, proud of what I had done at Rocket Man.  We talked about the training programs available through Fleet Feet, namely the Tri 201 program.  He said (and this almost a direct quote), "I love these programs because it allows someone like you to complete an Olympic distance triathlon."

It's the "someone like you" my Negative Nelly is having a field day with.  If I had been more like Daisy I would have said, "what do you mean 'someone like me'?"  But I'm not. 

My initial reaction was to chose to take it well.  He meant someone like your average person off the street.  I'm not a life-long athlete.  I'm not a spin class teacher.  I wasn't an athlete in high school, or college, and let's face it, I don't think I'm the average age of a first time Olympic distancer.  (Although, if you remember, the first and second place overall female winners were 41...but they have probably been athletes their whole lives, at least that's what I'm telling myself!)

But maybe he meant someone who has very little initiative to work out on my own.  I was re-reading Jane's posts about her husband's first Iron Man today.  It's funny because I remember reading these posts last year having no idea what it meant to be a triathlete and having no concept of the amount of training that goes into becoming an Ironman.  Granted, Jason is no stranger to hard work.  He's been an athlete his "whole life".  But he didn't own a bike, from what I understand he didn't swim at all...and he was coming off a running injury.  He had 316 days.  Someone like me needs a group.  Someone like me needs more direction than someone like me can get off the internet.  The training groups provide those things.

Maybe he really meant someone who's old, fat and out of shape.  Now...let me say, I know I'm not fat by a lot of people's standards.  I don't want hate mail here.  I'm not sitting in judgement...I'm just saying maybe he was.  Different people have different standards of what "fat" means.  It's no secret I have issues when it comes to my body so it's natural that I would (should I have said "could") take what he said in that way.  I don't think he really meant "old" because he's older than I am.  I'm fairly certain he did mean "out of shape"...he's about to be an Ironman...his recovery rides are at speeds faster than what I reach when I'm going down hill with a tail wind.  The man works out like eight hours a day, on his rest days.

I suppose it's even possible he meant someone who is not dedicated and unwilling to devote all my time to the betterment of my abilities.  I am not a member of a gym and I'm not about to pay $7-$10 in order to go to a class every week even if it would guarantee to cut my bike time in half.  I love this sport...or is it "these sports"?...but I just don't have all the extra money in the world to spend on my hobby.  I have actually considered getting a job to pay for my indulgences, however I'm afraid rejoining the workforce might also mean I wouldn't have time to work out.  So for the time being I have to be very careful of the money I spend on equipment and races and training groups.  I also have to be very careful of the time I spend away from home lest I lose my primary job of housewife!!  (My husband does expect to have clean clothes and dinner on most days of the week, even if I've trained for several hours...and I truly enjoy his company more than I enjoy training in the evenings.

I don't know...I wonder how other people see me and what they think.  Anyone who knew me in my younger years knows what a change I've been through.  It's unthinkable "someone like me" would be as active as I am now.  Sure, there's unbelievable room for improvement, however it's a continuum.  I'm nowhere close to where I was, and nowhere close to where I could be.  But where do I fall on that spectrum?  How do other people see "someone like me"? 

I think "someone like me" realizes the truth is it depends on "their" perspective.   In the eyes of a life-long athlete I'm closer to the couch than I am in the eyes of the couch dweller.  Some of my friends believe I work out all the time, whereas some of them see how much better I could be if I would just devote some time to training.  How "they" see "someone like me" says more about "them" than is does about "someone like me."

Thanks for stopping in...come again soon!! :D