Lumps, Bumps and Lines

I'm getting close to 50 years old. I have lines on my face. I'm sure there's a cream or treatment for that, but I don't actually hate them. I have lines around my mouth and eyes from almost 50 years of emotion. I have lines on my forehead and between my brows from years of near neurotic thought.  (Okay maybe I didn't need to add the qualifier in that sentence...whatever.)

I have lumps and bumps in places I wish were smooth. Some of them were the result of having my babies. Those are nice reminders. Some of them are just the way I was born. Those are constant no matter what I have tried to change them. They are reminders that I'm not in control of everything. Some of them are there because I spent over a year on high dose IV steroids for an autoimmune brain disease and I gained about 30 pounds. Right now those lumps and bumps are proof that I'm conscious and able to take notice! There was a time during treatment I didn't care one little bit about those lumps and bumps. I only cared if the treatment was working and if the disease was backing down.

Seven years ago I was a little overweight and very out of shape. I decided I wanted to train to run a marathon so I started walking every other day for 30 minutes. That soon progressed to a little running. That later progressed to swimming, biking along with the running. A few years later I decided I needed to add in strength training. I wanted to lose body fat and gain muscle. And I did.

If you've been reading my blog for long you might remember my post "Before, Now and Looking Ahead" where I included these before shots:

In the next year I trained HARD and made my goal of a sub 13 hour Ironman. I gained about 10 pounds but I lost about 5% body fat.

I finished Ironman Chattanooga feeling the most fit I had ever been.

And then I started having strange symptoms. I couldn't find words as I was talking. I was really struggling to remember things. I had weird pains, numbness and tingling. And then I forgot how to get out of my own car while sitting in my driveway. I didn't know how to use the phone. I didn't know my husband's name. It didn't last long, only a few minutes maybe. Suddenly I knew what the door handle was, what my phone was and how to call my husband whose name I remembered. It took several months but I was diagnosed and started treatment which I can now (2 years later) say worked.

In the process of getting my brain to come back online, I've gained 30 pounds and that muscle I worked so hard for has marbled out with fat. I also lost all that fitness I had pushed myself to gain.

I find myself in what is undoubtedly the worst shape I've ever been in. I weigh considerably more than I've ever weighed (non-pregnant). (I'm only 15 pounds away from my heaviest weight EVER...the day I walked into the hospital to deliver my 10 pound son!)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not actually complaining. I'm just taking an appraisal of where I currently find myself. You can't know how to get where you are going without knowing where you are. You can't plot a course if you have no idea where you are (and where you are going).

So, here I am. 170 pounds this morning. 34% body fat. 37" waist and 47" hips. (DANG)

 (Those are the same shorts...I can't put on the same top anymore.)

I love my body. I know that sounds odd but I actually do love it the way it is right now. The truth is I can look at myself most of the time and be more than just okay with where I am right now. That doesn't mean I want to stay where I am. 34% body fat isn't healthy. High body fat percentage is linked to all kind of health issues. I'm not being mean, I'm being honest.

I've started a 6 week Transformation Challenge with Adventure Boot Camp's Joe Martin.  Some of the lumps, bumps and lines are going to be there forever. But some of them won't.

I can love where I'm at, but know that I'll love where I'm going even more. The thing I can't do is hate the body I'm in and expect it to take me somewhere else!

Thank you for joining me in this journey!

Make it a GREAT DAY!
:D

The State of Me Address-Part One, Weight Gain

About half the time I feel positive and encouraged. But in the midst of that positivity I can't help thinking I do not like where I am right now. The state (of being) I'm in is just not where I WANT to be. Some of what's going on is NOT within my control and I am powerless to change those aspects of the reality I am living. Although many things are within my power to change, the lines are sometimes blurred.

I want to give an overview of where I'm at right now. This is more for my benefit than anything else but I believe when we are open and transparent, people can not only help us but can also be helped by us. This overview will be in several parts and will spark several other posts along the way.

First off...I'm FAT. That word has gotten a bad rap. The definition of "fat" (as an adjective) is having a large amount of excess flesh. "Flesh" is the muscle and fat between a person's bone and skin. "Excess" means an amount of something that is more than necessary, permitted, or desired. ("Large" is relative.) I (currently) have (considerably) more flesh than I desire. So, I'm FAT. There's no shame involved in that sentence.

excess...that's what this is a picture of...excess

I've gained a solid 20 pounds since I stopped my "Whole 30" (30 pounds if comparing my lowest to my highest weights). For the record, I didn't like the amount of "flesh" I had even THEN. Until recently, I wouldn't blame the gain on steroids. I blamed it all on myself, because the food I have eaten between then and now.

My diet right after W30 was an experiment that was largely successful (pun intended). I wanted to see if I would have any "health issues" by eating certain foods. In the past when I would eat dairy* I would end up with sinus issues. Garlic* gave me weird swelling and pain. Gluten* and/or sugar* seemed to cause negative emotions/irritability and swelling. Tomatoes* caused headaches. Sweet potatoes* resulted in me swelling up like a blow fish! (*Okay, not EVERY time I ate these foods, but enough that I saw a pattern.)

Since starting the steroid treatment I have been able to eat ALL those foods without any of the symptoms popping up. Those issues had been going on for about 6 years. They might go away for a little while, but they always came back. Until now.

Steroids suppress the immune system. Suppressed immune system means suppressed immune reaction. To me this is proof positive those reactions I was having really were immune reactions. While I'm happy to be able to eat ALL the food with no immune reactions, almost none of my clothes fit! When weight gain is the "only" side effect of eating all those yummy foods, it makes it a little harder for me to not eat them! (Much easier to not eat cheese when you can't breathe well afterward!)

Almost the whole month of June I was in Dallas visiting my grandparents (who have now both passed away). I then went to the Mayo Clinic the first week of July, and then back to Dallas for my grandmother's funeral. I didn't weigh myself the whole time I was gone. I also only wore "comfy clothes". I slowly put on pounds without having objective measures staring me in the face. When I got home I had surpassed my all time heaviest weight (other than when I was pregnant) by about 2 pounds. The actual number doesn't matter because that number could very well be a "goal weight" and/or represent health and vitality for some people. What's important is that it represents "completely out of control" and "undesirable" for me. For almost five months I have bounced all around that number, but it has become a solid average.

I do NOT like that average.

I'm torn because I want to believe I have control over my weight. That makes it my choice to gain or to lose. Let me be clear there are TREMENDOUS, HUGE, MASSIVE, HERCULEAN cravings that come with steroid treatment. Steroids also cause water retention. But it's my choice if I eat all the food or not. I can give in to the cravings or I can fight them. Yes, the battle might be made harder because of the steroid treatment, but I want to believe it's MY battle to fight.

What I'm being told, by those who are in the know, is that it's really not completely my battle. I can fight valiantly and I will still gain weight (until I'm off the steroid train).

However...I can at least slow the roll if I do all I can to do the best I can.

I think it's like aging. My grandfather's last months were spent in an assisted living place. One thing that was remarkable to me was to see the fighting spirit of so many people living there. There was a woman in a wheelchair who would walk her feet along the floor, making several laps around the place each day for her "exercise". (I found this out when I mistakenly thought she was trying to get somewhere and offered to push her.) Many residents played checkers and put puzzles together, not simply as something to pass the time but as a way to keep their minds strong. They were living life as fully as possible given their circumstances.

Then there were those residents who seemed to be just giving in to the aging process...just killing time until inevitable death. I call that NOT living life.

There are conditions that can hinder a person's ability to sustain a "healthy" weight (what exactly "healthy weight" is encompasses A LOT of factors, not the least of which is psychological). Medications and medical/physical conditions, amoung other things, can adversely impact weight. Weight gain and/or the inability to lose weight is also a symptom of autoimmune disease in general. Steroids affect metabolism and how the body deposits fat, particularly increasing abdominal fat. They also SIGNIFICANTLY increase appetite.

But that doesn't mean I should just surrender to it and give up the fight.

Eating/not eating used to be about weight control. Then it became about fueling my body for workouts. I don't know what THE healthiest way for me to eat is, or what THE healthiest foods are for me to eat. But I do know eating all the junk I have been stuffing my face with is NOT the healthiest or the most LOVING thing I can do for my body. Having a plan makes the choice easier. So...I'm officially back on Whole 30. Today is day 5. I get steroids tomorrow. I don't know if I'll actually be able to fight the cravings. But that's the plan.

Thanks for stopping by and for sticking around.
:D

Petrol, Natural Gas, Hydrogen, Ethanol...Food?

I bought a new-to-me car back in October.  It had a turbo engine in it.  The manual specified premium gas and pure synthetic oil.  One month, and less than 1,000 miles later, that turbo engine had to be replaced.  We were told the previous owners used inferior gas and oil in the car which caused sludge in the engine.  I'm no car expert, so I have no idea if that's the real reason the engine went kaput or not...but it makes sense to me.  Every engine, mechanical or living, requires proper fuel to run efficiently.  If I were to feed my cat fish food, he might not live long.  If I were to put cat food in my lawn mower's gas tank, it wouldn't start.

Knowing this, I can't understand why I would go to the pool yesterday at 11:30 and think I could swim a ridiculously hard-for-me workout having eaten only half a banana in the previous 17 hours.  Can you say BONK??  No wonder I was exhausted.  No wonder I couldn't finish much less finish strong.  No wonder I battled a headache the rest of the day.

Our bodies need fuel...more than that, they need PROPER fuel...to operate optimally.  Just like my car's engine was made to function with a certain octane gas and viscosity level of oil, my body was designed to perform at its best on certain kinds of food.  And, just like my car and my husband's car require different kinds of fuel, so too do our bodies.

I'm not a doctor and I haven't yet learned the why behind the what...but I'll tell you what:  You MUST listen to your own body and learn its needs in order to determine what fuel will keep you in top working order.  Yes...there are guidelines out there (eat carbs before exercise and a mix of protein and carbs afterwards) but beyond that you can not simply follow a plan developed for someone else's "machine".

I found out about a year ago my body has an immune response to a list of foods.  I hesitate to call what happens an "allergic response" because most people think that means anaphylactic shock.  My body's responses to the various foods on that list range from sinus issues, to intestinal distress, to a subtle shortness of breath, to joint pain and inflammation.   When my diet is clean, I feel, and I am able to function, MUCH better.  When my taste buds' desires override my long term focus for overall health and wellness...my body pays a price for about a week.  LONG after the memory of the delicacy has died, I continue to feel the effects of putting inferior fuel into my engine.

If you intend to drive a race car, you better be prepared to learn how to drive it, to learn how to maintain it, and to learn the proper way to fuel it...or you better be prepared to park it in the garage.  In that regard, keeping in mind no one can give you specifics on exactly what will work best for YOU, here are some tips that might help:

First and foremost-pay attention to your body.  I have a terrible "connect-the-dots" type brain.  I'm one of those people who continue to do the same things expecting different results.  One of the best ways to pay attention is to keep a detailed diary that includes what and when you eat and how you feel.  Food intolerances can last for up to a week after the food is eaten, so although a reaction might be immediate (instant headache every time you eat tomatoes), and it may take a few days to manifest, if you keep a diary you should notice patterns.  This process has always overwhelmed me because it requires diligence I haven't been able to muster.  ((I said it was one of the best ways, not the easiest.))

Be willing to try different things and keep an open mind.  I have found my body seems to be happiest when I eat mostly fruits and veggies.  Pork sits like a brick in my stomach whereas I tolerate fish easier.  I need to eat before I exercise whereas some of my friends must run on an empty stomach to avoid intestinal distress.  There are no cookie-cutter answers.

Lastly...be patient.  Remember, it's a process.  For people who have been life-long students of their own body, training and fueling can seem effortless.  Observant people will recognize what works/doesn't work much faster than someone like me.  Be kind to yourself as you learn to understand the language your body is speaking.

Thanks for stopping in...come again soon.
:D

I Am A Liar!!

I needed a bit of a reality check because I know my emotions lie to me.  I have been feeling like I haven't improved since I started this running thing in January.  I "know" that's not true because I can run now and when I first started, I really couldn't.  In the beginning I was excited to run for 30 seconds.  Now I go five miles and get upset because I had to walk(ed) several times.  So, I went back to the beginning of this blog and started reading. 

I KNEW writing it all down would come in handy!!

I have said I haven't lost any weight....and that's a lie.  Since day one, I've lost a total of 7 pounds (on a good weight day).  Seven pounds in a little over 4 months isn't as much as I used to be able to lose....but, it's more than nothing which is what I've been telling myself I've lost.

I just wanted to come clean with all of you.  I feel better now.

:D

FIVE

Today was a little harder.  I think it was because I waited just a little bit before I went out...and because I didn't take the day off as it should have been.  I wanted to do my tomorrow's work out today since I have Bible study tomorrow.

I've joined a site called Training Peaks (maybe I've already mentioned it??).  My profile is here.

I decided to make this public because the truth is that ...I am what I am.  If I can help someone else have the courage to be themselves and not feel like they have to pretend to be something different, then I will boldly show myself to others!!  LOL...no, I'm not planning to join some naturalist camp and go around in the nude.  Also, having it public (even if no one other than  me ever looks at it), gives me a measure of accountability.  It might be silly, but that's okay too!!

Oh, BTW, as of yesterday I have lost 3 pounds!  YEA me!