Seek and Find

I don't workout because I have to. I don't workout (only) because I want to lose weight. I don't workout so that I can eat more.

I really ENJOY working out. I love running, biking, swimming...and I love strength training.

I've missed it.

Like...A LOT.

A little over two years ago, probably about the time I was waiting for my neurologist appointment (so maybe February 2016), I went with a friend to shop for her daughter's prom dress. She was scouting good places to bring her daughter back to. She had found a couple of dresses that she asked me to hold up so she could take pictures. I could BARELY hold up these dresses! These weren't heavy beaded gowns, they were LIGHT airy chiffon type dresses. And I seriously could hardly hold them up.

Dresses... this was just a few months after completing my second Ironman. I had been working out at Iron Tribe for over a year at that point. I had an 80lb clean PR and a 55lb press PR.



That weight is NOT impressive, but I should not have had an issue holding up chiffon dresses!

I remember that day. I became EXHAUSTED at moving hangers on a rack. It was CRAZY. I had gone from 18 mile very hilly long runs to not being able to run a few miles; from 80lb cleans to becoming exhausted moving hangers on a rack.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago...I was ECSTATIC for having jogged a slow 12 (SOLID) minutes in Orangetheory. ((I'm smiling as I type this because it still makes me happy!!))

I have never stopped loving working out, even when my body just couldn't hang. But there have been many times in the last couple of years that I've felt like I'd never be able to really workout again.

Yes, I know I just completed a marathon...I WALKED 90% of it. That takes mental strength, but not physical strength.

And that's what I've kept coming back to...I've gained MENTAL strength in the last two years. I have gone from not really knowing how to grocery shop and cook food* to juggling a lot of different things (well). (*I did know how to shop, but I remember wandering around the grocery store as if I was in a foreign country...I wish I could explain it but I just can't express to you how awful it is to not be able to make your mind engage at will.)

As great as it is to have mental strength, I've missed the physical strength and endurance I used to enjoy. I've worried at times that I might not ever get back to feeling truly (physically) strong. But in the last several months I've seen myself getting stronger!!

And then I feel myself appear to lose it all....

I started working out at Huntsville Adventure Boot Camp last fall. I LOVE Joe Martin (boot camp king). And I really loved going to boot camp. At the start of the year I was trying to go 5 days a week...two of those days after teach Spin. I had also added running and swimming back in.

Yeah, I know...too much too quick. Blah blah blah...whatever. Knowing something doesn't stop me from doing what I want. :D

Obviously, it didn't last. I backed off swimming and running, and then I gave up teaching Spin on Friday's. And then I backed off every day boot camp...

Then I had to deal with the issue of sleep. Bootcamp was at 5:30am (or evening hours which never work for me). But I had been waking up at 1am and staying awake until like 3:30. Going to that early of a class meant waking up at 4ish so I could take my meds and take care of the dog and cat. When I didn't go to class I could go back to sleep at 3:30 and sleep until 6:30 or 7. That seemed to give me enough sleep, so I gave up going to boot camp.

But I missed working out. I wanted to work out. I needed to work out. I wanted to work out in a a group setting because I know I need a measure of accountability that working out alone just doesn't give me right now. Then I found OTF. It's intense. It's fun. It's one hour. It's VARIED--different every single day using a variety of equipment (treadmills, rowers, weights, medicine balls, TRX, benches, ab dollies...). And they have class times that really work for me. I can sleep in and then go workout. Or just sleep in...

And as I starting working out I saw myself getting stronger....until I didn't.

It's like this terrible roller coaster....up and down. But Dwayne helped me see the other day that there has been a steady progression of getting stronger. It just doesn't feel like it every day. My slides down aren't as fast or as far. And I really do feel like I'm gaining ground a lot of days.

But....why do I do it (run, bike, strength train...I'm not really swimming right now)? Do I do it to see results or do I do it for the love of doing it?

Kids don't play hide and seek because they love finding the child they are seeking. They do it for the love of the game It's fun to be the hider. It's fun to be the seeker. At the same time if the hider is never found or if the seeker never finds...the game has no meaning. It becomes un-fun VERY fast....

Finding strength, finding endurance MATTERS. Having faith that I WILL find it matters more.

Thanks for stoping by and sticking around....

Ready or not, here I come.

((I tried to find a picture that worked for "hide and seek" but the pictures on Google didn't look like what I was going for...some of them were down right creepy! Dwayne said I should include a picture of him because all posts are made better with pictures of him...and I think he's probably right. I love that face!))

That water was REALLY cold!

Lumps, Bumps and Lines

I'm getting close to 50 years old. I have lines on my face. I'm sure there's a cream or treatment for that, but I don't actually hate them. I have lines around my mouth and eyes from almost 50 years of emotion. I have lines on my forehead and between my brows from years of near neurotic thought.  (Okay maybe I didn't need to add the qualifier in that sentence...whatever.)

I have lumps and bumps in places I wish were smooth. Some of them were the result of having my babies. Those are nice reminders. Some of them are just the way I was born. Those are constant no matter what I have tried to change them. They are reminders that I'm not in control of everything. Some of them are there because I spent over a year on high dose IV steroids for an autoimmune brain disease and I gained about 30 pounds. Right now those lumps and bumps are proof that I'm conscious and able to take notice! There was a time during treatment I didn't care one little bit about those lumps and bumps. I only cared if the treatment was working and if the disease was backing down.

Seven years ago I was a little overweight and very out of shape. I decided I wanted to train to run a marathon so I started walking every other day for 30 minutes. That soon progressed to a little running. That later progressed to swimming, biking along with the running. A few years later I decided I needed to add in strength training. I wanted to lose body fat and gain muscle. And I did.

If you've been reading my blog for long you might remember my post "Before, Now and Looking Ahead" where I included these before shots:

In the next year I trained HARD and made my goal of a sub 13 hour Ironman. I gained about 10 pounds but I lost about 5% body fat.

I finished Ironman Chattanooga feeling the most fit I had ever been.

And then I started having strange symptoms. I couldn't find words as I was talking. I was really struggling to remember things. I had weird pains, numbness and tingling. And then I forgot how to get out of my own car while sitting in my driveway. I didn't know how to use the phone. I didn't know my husband's name. It didn't last long, only a few minutes maybe. Suddenly I knew what the door handle was, what my phone was and how to call my husband whose name I remembered. It took several months but I was diagnosed and started treatment which I can now (2 years later) say worked.

In the process of getting my brain to come back online, I've gained 30 pounds and that muscle I worked so hard for has marbled out with fat. I also lost all that fitness I had pushed myself to gain.

I find myself in what is undoubtedly the worst shape I've ever been in. I weigh considerably more than I've ever weighed (non-pregnant). (I'm only 15 pounds away from my heaviest weight EVER...the day I walked into the hospital to deliver my 10 pound son!)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not actually complaining. I'm just taking an appraisal of where I currently find myself. You can't know how to get where you are going without knowing where you are. You can't plot a course if you have no idea where you are (and where you are going).

So, here I am. 170 pounds this morning. 34% body fat. 37" waist and 47" hips. (DANG)

 (Those are the same shorts...I can't put on the same top anymore.)

I love my body. I know that sounds odd but I actually do love it the way it is right now. The truth is I can look at myself most of the time and be more than just okay with where I am right now. That doesn't mean I want to stay where I am. 34% body fat isn't healthy. High body fat percentage is linked to all kind of health issues. I'm not being mean, I'm being honest.

I've started a 6 week Transformation Challenge with Adventure Boot Camp's Joe Martin.  Some of the lumps, bumps and lines are going to be there forever. But some of them won't.

I can love where I'm at, but know that I'll love where I'm going even more. The thing I can't do is hate the body I'm in and expect it to take me somewhere else!

Thank you for joining me in this journey!

Make it a GREAT DAY!
:D

#2018Renew

I have big goals for 2018.

I finally feel like I'm "recovered" from the ants I had in my brain for almost two years. I'm ready to shed this extra weight I put on and get down to some serious training.

But (there's always a but isn't there?!) I know if I hit it too hard and/or too fast I'll be back at square

yes, it IS creepy...

one quicker than I can blink an eye.

Autoimmune fatigue is unlike any other fatigue there is. If you have any autoimmune disease, you know what I'm talking about. If you've had babies and have had long periods of time where you aren't able to get good sleep, you still have NO IDEA what I'm talking about! It's just not the same. Add to that an inability to use words well, to form coherent thoughts, dizziness, emotional volatility, muscle weakness, severe anxiety, the most intense carb cravings I've ever experienced in my life (actual quote: "someone is going to lose an arm if I don't get a Kit Kat right now"), and a level of brain fog that I can't describe and you'll have more of an understanding where I've been.

I want to be clear, what happened to me is SMALL. Cancer is big. MS is big. ALS is huge. The list could go on and on. My little two-year blip is TINY compared to a lot of things.  But it was a big thing in my life. It was a major life disruptor. It was a plan derailer. It was a HUGE obstacle for me to overcome. I've had some pretty big hurdles in my life and this one is at least in my top three. (I'd really like to keep it that way.)

Many friends have said they had no idea it was as bad as it was. That's a good thing. I wasn't bedridden for two years. I continued to coach. I continued to teach Spin (for all but about three months and some odd days I had to get subs for various reasons). But I wasn't fully me. I was disconnected from people I love. I was less communicative. I was MUCH less able to be out and about in the way I like to be. I wasn't able to cook and keep my house moderately clean the way I was before. (That's not saying much...but that made the loss all the more difficult!)

Thank goodness I'm off that ride!

The last two years are very much a blur for me. I can look back and know what happened but it's like I was removed from it all. The thing that hurts the most is that I wasn't able to fully appreciate the time I got to spend with my grandparents before they both passed away. I can't fully explain how it feels to be separated from yourself but imagine the most distracted you've ever been and then try to do the hardest task you can fathom, but you aren't allowed to put attention toward that task.
And attempt that task in a room with all your worst fears. It was horrible.

AND (there's not always an and, but there is this time)...I know most people dealing with AE have it MUCH worse than I did. Many of them have seizures, psychotic episodes, hallucinations, catatonia. Some can't speak at all. A shocking percentage die before they are properly diagnosed and treated. The fact I got to a doctor who knew what it was and that I got treatment that worked so quickly was life-saving.

Now that I believe I'm on the other side of that health mountain, I'm ready to move forward in typical Dana fashion....full speed and reaching for the outer limits of the universe. (Some people say "the sky's the limit" or "I'm reaching for the moon" but why be myopic?)

For 2018:

• I want to participate in a race a month
• I want to train at the level to which my body will appropriately respond
• I want to feed myself healthy, life-giving food
• I want to honor where I am and what my body/mind/will can handle
• I want to be kind to myself (and others)
• I want to write more.

Yes, I know all by one of these are not measurable goals and they aren't specific. But goals don't have to be. Objectives do. Goals are the big picture, objectives are how to get there. I also recognize these goals might seem small-fry compared to where I have been before.

I'm not who I was. I have a new perspective. I have a new lens to look through. I'm in a very good place.

If I can accomplish the last one on that list, I'll share more with you about the objectives of the others in the coming months.

2018 is going to be a year of renewal for me. Will you join me? Will you share your (big picture goals) or your (specific) objectives with me? You can either comment on FaceBook, in the comments section below, or you can send me a message or email. When we make our intentions known to other people we are putting a stake in the ground. Why don't you go ahead and plant a stake today?

If you are new to my blog, please reach out to me and let me know. If you've been here from the beginning or for a while, thanks for sticking around!

Make it a GREAT day!!

:D