Thursday, September 2, 2010

Trashed?

In my younger years, oh so many years ago, the word "trashed" meant more than just slightly inebriated.  After I had kids the word was usually used in the context of "this house/room/car is trashed". 

Now I have a new way to use it....as in, "my legs are trashed."

I think I first saw or heard that sentence from the meth-head coach.  I had my suspicions about the meaning (re-read "meth head coach").  ((Just to be perfectly clear, in case there happens to be a new reader checking out my blog...he's NOT a real meth-head.  He paced me in a race one time and he seemed to have a better opinion of my ability than I knew was possible, and he was right.))

As usual, I digress...

I think he was talking about having just run a 12 hour race, or maybe it wasn't even him.....or maybe I've never even heard anyone else use the word in the context I'm using it ("my legs are trashed") -but surely I didn't just make it up.

I went out this morning hoping to get in a short speed work session in the 30 minutes I had available between commitments.  I knew my calves/shins didn't feel so hot before I even stepped out of bed...but I laced up anyway and headed out.  I did a slowish 10 minute warm-up then did five one minute sprint/walk intervals.   I haven't uploaded my Garmin data, but I know it wasn't great.

My legs don't necessarily "hurt"...but I can tell they are in need of some pampering.  I'm really glad I did the eight miler on Sunday, but, if I had it to do over again, I would have left myself enough time to ICE my legs immediately afterwards, I would have taken Monday completely off, I would have iced again off and on all day both days and I might not have opted to do the speed work this morning.  Again, I'm not hurt...but I do need to take a step back and remember to listen to my body.

"Anonymous" was right the other day when she said it's one thing to push my body to the limit when I am properly trained and quite another to ask it to do something without a solid foundation---okay, "force", or even "coerce" are probably better words for what I do some times. 


Wow.....this is a case of how writing takes me deeper into myself, to a place I haven't been before...to a new understanding of myself.....   

WARNING//WARNING!! Danger Will Robinson Danger!!  (I'm about to dive off the deep end of the ocean into full blown psycho-babble...keep reading only if you dare!!)


That is exactly how I treated my second husband.  I've had a pretty clear understanding of that idea from the night he left (the fact I was so demanding...).  In my mind, if he didn't want to do what I wanted, then all he had to do was stand up and say NO.   But, either of my ex-husbands, as well as my current husband, any member of my family and any of the people I worked with when I was an insurance adjuster (co-workers, insureds, agents and claimants alike) would say I "have" a VERY forceful, and sometimes overpoweringly STRONG, demanding personality.  (My current, and FINAL, husband has NO PROBLEM telling me exactly how it is!)  When my second husband left and I realized what I was doing to the people around me, I knew I had to either change or I would be spending my life as a sad, lonely, miserably angry person.  


I believe, for the most part, I've been successful in learning to treat other people better...not being quite so demanding, not being quite so unforgiving, and being more gracious and loving.  I believe I'm doing much better at letting people make up their own minds about what they want to do and being in real relationship with people without trying to control every aspect of what happen or demanding ANYTHING from them---just accepting and loving them for who they are and what they have to offer to our relationship.

As much as I've learned to recognize that behavior as it pertains to my relationships with others, I haven't ever turned inward and taken a look at the fact that I do it to myself. 

The truth is I demand my body to do things it may or may not be able to do....but if it doesn't do what I want, I berate and belittle it, and truth be told, even HATE it because it hasn't complied.  Even worse than that....when it does comply, I'm happy for a moment (maybe), but then immediately demand even more from it.

Said another way, I am not "ever" happy with myself.  I've learned how to be deliriously happy with other people, accepting them for who they are...more than that, LOVING them for who they are...and being able to be in truly healthy relationships with other people.  But, I haven't yet learned to "love myself"...as in "love your neighbor as yourself". 

I wonder if I can learn to love myself as I love my neighbor???  The most important implication of that...I wonder how it will effect my RUNNING???


Thanks for stopping in and bearing witness to my continuing psychiatric evolution.  Please, feel free to look in while I'm "on the couch*", or read a real post about running, real soon!

Honey...please be nice if you post a comment!! :D


((*for my foreign readers-that's a reference to being in a psychiatrist's office))

:D

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