Lucky Number 13

 Memorial Day marked my 13th running of the Cotton Row 10K (sort of...thanks to Covid there was not a race in 2020 but I ran "most of" the course...last year the race was postponed from Memorial Day to Labor Day...thankfully I ran it on Memorial Day because we were "living in" Colorado Springs on Labor Day!)

Cotton Row 10K is the only 10K race I've done, and I've done it every year since I really started running! (Well, I did run a 10K at the end of Rocket Man Olympic distance triathlon, but I don't count that!)

This year was the first year in a LONG time that I went in having been consistently running. My expectations were still very low though because I had not many hills and my endurance had not really been tested in a while. My A goal going in was 1:15 or better (about a 12min pace), my B goal was to just finish.

Dwayne was announcing the race so we drove separately that morning. I had volunteered to get the awards so I did still get there earlier than I might have if I was "just" running but not as early as Dwayne got there! Since I had several boxes to carry over to the awards tent I got to park fairly close which was very helpful since I made a few trips back and forth. It was already getting hot but it didn't seem as hot as years past.

After I worked with another volunteer to line out all the awards I went to the bathroom and lined up in about the middle of the pack. It was nice to hear Dwayne's voice booming over the speakers! 

This race is special in that, because it's on Memorial Day, they have a pre-race program that honors our fallen soldiers. This year marks the 50th "anniversary" of the Viet Nam war so the main speaker was the daughter of an MIA soldier from that war. She had a gripping story to tell. This was the very first year it seemed EVERYONE in the crowd was silent as she talked about her father. They called veterans to salut and then played taps -- that gets me every time I hear it. After "America the Beautiful" we were off.

My plan going in was to NOT run with anyone else, but to just do my own thing-ideally working to do my very best ....

I can NEVER say/think/hear that phrase without thinking of this scene from Facing the Giants...

...anyway...My plan was to give my "very best" and see what that might end up being. 

CR10K is an interesting race. The first 3 miles are basically uphill culminating in "the hill", then the last 3 are basically downhill. Because of that, it's crucial that I not go out too hard on the front half so I will have gas in the tank to really fly on the back half. So I wore one earphone and played music that I could sing to! A friend passed me and asked how on earth I was singing so I explained I was running intervals and trying to keep gas in the tank. I saw her a few times but at some point she passed me and was gone.

I saw another friend, the gal I leap-frogged with at Cookie Dash...she is older than me but she is an awesome runner. She had no idea I decided I was "racing" her but when she said she was taking her first walk break I decided that's exactly what was going down-I wanted to finish in front of her somehow.

Here's the thing-I had no idea if she was injured, tired, training for something else, running both the 10K and 5K afterward...I just knew from experience that she is faster than me on any given day so I wanted to try to "race" her to give me someone to compete with. It would have been much more meaningful if she was a willing competitor, but that wasn't the point for me...I just wanted someone to "target"...and it worked. 

Up until the first decent incline (when my friend took her first walk break and I was taking my 5h!) I was trying to maintain a 3-4 minute run and a 1 minute walk interval. After that however my intervals devolved into "by feel/by hill". But I believed once I go over the major climb I'd be able to pick up the pace so I wasn't horribly upset.

I got through the first 5K right at 35 minutes. I was on track to slay my 1:15 or less goal since I believed I would negative split the race. I felt STRONG going up Mountainwood...a little too strong if I'm being honest. But I had not done any kind of speed work or hills (other than one interval run several weeks before with a friend who is running MUCH faster than me, but I felt like that was a one-off and she was pacing/pushing me).

On the way down Bankhead I opened myself up just a little bit and it felt GLORIOUS!!! It reminded me of the good old days when I could run fast! I only got down to about an 8:17 pace but it felt wonderful the short time I ran it. I actually had a 10 minute SOLID run!! After that I started the negotiations with my interval. It wasn't as hot as it has been in the past, but it was pretty darn hot out. Other than a couple of intervals I was feeling too good to walk I pretty much ran the last 1.8 miles as 1 minute of running and :30 walking. I took my last walk break with a half mile to go and then made up my mind to run it in from there.

When I rounded the last corner I heard Dwayne cheering for me and then saw him running beside me a little bit. I immediately got worried because he still hasn't recovered from knee surgery so he should NOT have been running! He only went a few yards with me and then encouraged me to pick it up to the finish line!

I got my pace down to a whopping 6:16 for the final few yards!!! The back half was right at 5 minutes faster than the front half!! With a finish that strong I probably held a little too much in reserve, but I ended up with my FOURTH fastest Cotton Row time EVER--1:05!! Here's the thing...I've only ever broken an hour one time, and the other two times I was working HARD to break an hour so I was just seconds over an hour both times. To be THAT close to my best times was HUGE!! (My next closest time was 1:06 in 2014 and then 1:12 in 2015 (that was the year I "ran" with Dwyane who ended up SICK with the flu that night!). 

The bigger shock was after I finished the race I was able to work the awards (which is a production since there are 2 races to give awards for) and I NEVER felt tired, stiff or sore even one time!!!

I was SO PLEASED with this race!! And, I honestly felt like I was actually "racing". Unlike Cookie Dash where I was convinced every single person was leaving me in their dust, I felt STRONG in this race and I passed SEVERAL people toward the end....including passing my own expectations of myself which is the most important win of the day!

The women in my age group are FAST so I ended up 24th out of 56 (still in the top 50% - YAY)! I was 742nd out of 1284 listed finishers (so not in the top 50% overall, but close enough for me!). I have no way to know what place I was among the females...results aren't broken down that way.

Overall I am THRILLED!!! This gave me the confidence to move forward with full on training for my next big adventure-Ironman 70.3 Memphis on October 1st!! I pulled the trigger and paid my money a couple of weeks ago and laid out my training plan. I've been very consistent in execution so far and I'm feeling stronger every day!! My swim is incredibly slow, but I started strength training today to help that along. Dwayne bought some new race wheels for my bike and power pedals ((that is the pedals will tell me the watts I am generating, not that they are powered LOL)). (It sounds like he was being really nice but the truth is I let him "borrow" my race wheels with a power tap hub and he didn't want to give them back!! But he could have given them back and then bought new ones for himself so he really was being super supportive and nice! He also bought me a super awesome Garmin for my bike that allows me to have maps and data in my face instead of just on my watch!)

I am just so encouraged and hopeful about what this summer will bring!!! 

Stay tuned!!

10 Years and Counting

Yesterday I "ran" my 10th straight Cotton Row...yes 10th! Funny I kept saying it was my 9th but when I went back to read my recaps from the previous ones I've run I realized I ran my first one in 2010...that was year one...plus 9 more years...10. Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of running it the first time.

The plan about a month ago was for Dwayne to pace me. It wasn't that I was going to try to run fast, I just wanted to run as much as possible and I wanted him to push me just a little bit.

Then he broke his ankle while hiking! It's called an avulsion fracture. Basically the ligaments that hold the ankle bone pull the bone and break it. It wasn't a complete break but it was bad enough that he's in a cast for a while, then a boot, then a brace. Needless to say, he's not running.

Then just over 2 weeks ago I got sick. It turned out to (likely) be walking pneumonia! That caused my plan for Cotton Row to change once again to just finish.

And then something wonderful happen! A good friend of mine (she needs a blog name...) offered to run with me! She is "the girl with the broken foot", the one who ran the Grand Slam (3 50ks and a marathon) while pregnant...she's a multi-time IronMan finisher...you get the picture, she's a really good athlete. But... she had not run in like 6 (9?) months...and maybe only once in the last year. She was slightly concerned she wouldn't be able to keep up with me....but I was getting over walking pneumonia, and I haven't been able to run "well" in three years!! I never had one doubt that she'd be just fine doing the 10K with me.

But, really...who does that? Who has the ability to "just go run a 10K" having not run in like 6 (9?) months?! I think that's amazing. To me it highlights her athletic ability.

The race start moved this year due to construction and I LOVED the new start/finish. Thankfully it will be a permanent move. It's a Memorial Day race that now starts in our BEAUTIFUL downtown park. I think it's the perfect place for the event. We started with another friend who was telling us she had been dealing with an annoying cough for NINE MONTHS!! I have to say that freaked me out since I had been dealing with my cough for over 2 weeks. Our plan was to run 3 walk 1. I was concerned because the race now starts going up a little hill and I was struggling to complete that first 3 minute run. I was very glad for that first walk break! Our "coughing" friend said she didn't need to walk so she ran on.

We very quickly got to where the old Mile 1 used to be...and I just as quickly remembered it wasn't mile 1 on the new course! But then a couple more intervals and BAM...1 down, 5.2 to go. It was HOT. Really hot. But, I wasn't coughing NEARLY as much as I thought I would. In fact, I don't think I coughed much at all. The worst thing for me was that my saliva seemed THICK. I kept having to spit out yuck. Now, I usually spit a lot when I run but yesterday it was much worse than usual. I don't think it's sinus drainage...it's like gunk was bubbling up from my lungs! (I know...gross.) But given the fact that I had not even been able to WALK the dog without having to stop for a coughing fit, I was VERY pleased at the trade off of spitting out yuck for coughing up a lung! (I am always VERY careful to pay attention where I'm sending my saliva and VERY mindful of the people around me.)

We made the turn by the cemetery and the 3/1 intervals went out the window. I did feel bad about that because my friend is a spreadsheet kind of gal. She likes order. A chaotic interval is HARD for the body to manage because you never know what to expect. But I was walking more frequently than the interval called for so I didn't feel too horrible about it. We stopped and talked with a friend for minute and then before I knew it we were at "the hill".

I realize this hill doesn't look so impressive on this elevation profile of the course, but it's steep. There's a homeowner who plays the theme from Rocky every year and a lot of people cheer runners on all along the way. I have run up it once in the race (several times in training). That was the year Dwayne was sick...the year the tree fell and the start had to be delayed for an hour! I was in good shape that year. This year I seriously struggled to just keep moving! We had friends who were supposed to be at the top of the hill with MIMOSAS...and they did not disappoint!!! I was very happy to see them. The shot of Champagne and OJ hit the spot!

You can see this course goes up about three miles and then basically down about three. The first downhill is just right in my opinion. It's not so steep that your knees take a beating. Then there's a little uphill bump and a second downhill section. That one feels a little steeper and a little longer. Usually it's okay but yesterday that one was harder because my legs weren't turning over quite fast enough to really take advantage of the elevation loss. I could tell I was losing steam.

We got to a new section of the course and it was weird to turn a different way! I had not been on any of the preview runs and I had not studied the map at all so it was all brand new. It was a little disconcerting! I have run this 10k race 9 times but I've run the course A LOT more than that. It's like a familiar friend that you don't have to WORK to be around. Someone with whom the conversation just flows. Someone you don't have to be on guard with. That course has always been comfortable to me. But this was new. Now it's not like there weren't hundreds of people around. It's not like it was at the Knoxville Marathon where I was all alone and had to pay attention to make sure I stayed on course. But it was new and different enough that it caused me to have to focus.

...the brain is interesting. Most people don't even realize when their brain isn't functioning the way it should. Because of what I've been through with my brain the last three years, I'm more aware sometimes than I probably need to be. Everyone has had the experience of walking into a familiar place but it looks different so it causes you to stop a bit and look around. Maybe a room was redecorated or something that should be there has moved. You know that momentary "wait a minute...this isn't right" kind of feeling you get? That's what was happening with me. I mean...this was a new course. OF COURSE it's different. But it was weird because my brain was much more confused than it should have been. Looking back I know what was going on.

The frontal lobe is a very energy hungry part of the brain. That's the decision making and willpower part of the brain. I was struggling from the start with simple math on the intervals. (I should have just used the lap button on my watch but I wanted to keep up with mile splits so I didn't want to hit the lap button...I figured it was going to be easy to keep up with 3/1 intervals but I was struggling from the 2nd interval.) By that point in the race (mile 5) I was having to keep bringing my brain back. It's hard to explain. It's like herding kittens.

It wasn't BAD. I think it was a mostly just normal end of race low glycogen thing that I was hyper aware of because of what I've been through. 

My friend is a lot like me in that she's competitive. Even being at the back of the pack in a "race" we were never intending to "race" we were both looking for people we wanted to get in front of. She pointed someone out and said let's just make sure we are in front of that person at the finish. It's not really a matter of "I want to beat that person" as much as it is a technique to push through. It's much like "run to the next mailbox"...it gives you something to focus on other than what's going on inside your body. And it's a moving target when it's a person. I do it EVERY. SINGLE. RACE. No matter if I'm "racing" or "completing". EVERY TIME. I think almost everyone does it but maybe I'm wrong. 

We quickly got in front of that person. As we rounded the last corner we had the realization that we had an uphill blip before a little downhill finish. I spotted another moving target to try to get in front of. Then my friend saw the time clock said 1:24:45 and she said something like "let's get in before it hits 25"...so I kicked.

I usually have a very fast finish line kick. For a long while it's been a toss up if it will be there or not. I didn't think it would show up given how slowly my legs were turning over in that earlier downhill section. But, when I pushed the "kick" button, it was ALL THE WAY there! I LOVE THAT!! I love crossing a finish line not being able to talk! I love that feeling so very much!! Even in a crazy slow "race" I was walk/running with the goal to "complete".

It was NOT my slowest finish (YAY). It WAS one of the (if not THE) most fun Cotton Row 10Ks I've done. I've never been much of a "running with friends" kind of runner. I ran with Daisy A LOT for a long time but we didn't do races together. (I don't ever remember doing a race with her in fact...that's kind of strange given how much we ran together.) I think that's more logistics than anything else. I run from home as soon as I wake up. I don't make plans to meet up with other people to run. I actually like running alone. But the last two running with friends experiences (this one and Bridgestreet Half) have been REALLY REALLY good. 

But I think more than running with friends I like to push my body.

I've decided that my goal for this next year is to get back to a sub 60:00 CR10K. I've only done it once. I'm confident I can do it again. Right now that's my A goal for next year. That means more running and SERIOUS hill training. That fits in with my B goal...better time at Knoxville Marathon. I think that goal will be "easy" with proper marathon training and hill work. I won't run 2 other marathons leading up to that race so a "better time" really should just happen as a product of planning. All the marathon training miles and hill work will flow right into working on speed for CR10K. 

The fact that I'm even ABLE to plan this stuff out is such a GREAT THING!!! If you've ever pulled a muscle you have an understanding of what it's like to get to a point where you are using that muscle without pain. Imagine if that injury were to your brain.... I know I talk about it a lot but it's something so crazy... you just can't even imagine what's it's like to have your brain not fully functioning. I'm just so glad I'm not at that place in life anymore!

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.

Cotton Row 10K Take 9...

Cotton Row 10k was the first race I ever "trained" for. I had run a few Race For the Cure 5ks when I decided I wanted to run the Rocket City Marathon. And I had run the Wounded Warrior 5K turned 3K  when I found out about Fleet Feet's Next Steps Program. But, Cotton Row was the first race I ever trained for. Looking back, I should have trained for the 5K instead but at the time I felt like I could already cover the distance of a 5K so I didn't see the point to "train" for that distance. I wanted a challenge.

And I got it.

Because I had not been running and then ramped up my volume and intensity too quickly, I spent most of the training time fighting off a nagging "injury". I think it's in my nature to love the idea of a challenge. But follow through and staying committed to hard work in the face of obstacles was not in my nature. Training for and completing that first Cotton Row was a huge accomplishment for me. I didn't HAVE to do this hard thing but I did it even in the face of adversity.

It's been the only race I've run EVERY SINGLE YEAR since I starting running. I don't know that I'd call it my "favorite" race. (I'm partial to McKay Hollow 25K, and even though I've only done it once, Mountain Mist 50K, but all the races I've done have been really very good.) But Cotton Row holds a special place in my heart.

I have been really struggling this year to lose the weight I've put on (thanks in large part to being on steroids oner a year), and to regain any measure of fitness. I've tried some various things, but if I'm being totally honest, my running has just continued to slide down hill. Part of that is lack of consistency in getting out there to run. But a bigger issue is that when I do try to have any kind of "plan" I end up exhausted and completely run down. So I've taken the path of VERY SLOW progression of fitness rather than "training". I assess pretty much daily where I'm at and I am not stressing over where I am at physically right now.

I've started working out at Orange Theory Fitness-which I LOVE LOVE LOVE. It's close, they have class times that fit into my crazy schedule, the workouts are different every single day, and it's one hour of HIIT. The intervals are agreeing with me but I can scale on days I need to. I never feel like I'm in competition with anyone other than myself. I can say that I've done more actual running in OTF than I have in the months before I started there, but it's still VERY LIMITED in terms of volume.

On top of all that, Dwayne and I had both hurt our hip (he was sprinting up some stairs at work and I failed to listen to my body at OTF!) and we had been sick with nasty colds for three weeks!

Because of all that my expectations were EXCEPTIONALLY low going into Cotton Row this year. I figured I'd just get out there and run/walk by feel and enjoy the day.

Since Dwayne was feeling better he decided to try to actually run the race and said he'd come back to get me when he was done. I lined up further back than I ever had before and chatted with a friend.

The race had a new director this year and she did an AMAZING job of revamping the opening ceremonies!! Instead of lining up at 7:50 and then not actually starting until like 8:20, she had the Memorial Day ceremony at 7:45 (ish?) and then we started running right at 8. The comments were brief but appropriate and they set a perfect tone for the run. When the gun went off it took a minute or so for me to reach the start mat and then I slowly started jogging. I pretty much jogged flats and downs and then walked any uphill parts. I found some people to chat with here and there along the way and then something wonderful happened!

I found a woman up ahead of me wearing a swirled red and blue tie die shirt!! Why is that wonderful??  It was incredibly hypnotic! It didn't really make me run any faster but I think if I had allowed it to it would have!

We played a little leap frog until the hill...I think that's when she got ahead of me and I never saw her again. Just before the hill Brother caught me and threw two cups of water on my back! We walk/ran together until the hill and he left me to run up it (good for him!). My goal this year was to keep walking and not stop!! I made my goal!! (Barely.) I did get a little light headed and my vision started getting a little squirrelly but I am 100% positive that was a blood sugar thing.

I had been eating a lower carb diet the last couple of weeks (trying to get this weight off) but decided to take carbs in during the race. I had taken a Gu just before Brother caught me. That probably spiked my blood sugar. I wasn't dizzy or anything I was just seeing some stars and had some spots I just couldn't see. It's happened to me before (MANY times actually) and it's totally normal from what I understand. It's sort of like this picture, but not totally.

Even though I know what it is, every time it happens I get a little scared. It's like when you are watching an intense movie, you can tell when something is about to jump out at you but you jump when it happens anyway! As I passed by a HEMSI guy I almost stopped to have him check my blood sugar but I decided to keep moving.

We got down to the bottom of the hill and I started struggling. The down hill part was mostly over and the work was ramping up. Brother was talking but I was not really in a mood to talk nor was I really in a place to be able to make conversation. I had stopped interacting with spectators and had stopped telling volunteers thank you. It was sad because those things usually help "refuel" me but I was hitting a place where all I can really do is just focus on moving forward.

I never wanted to quit and I didn't really want it to be over. But I was just strongly internally focused on what needed to be done...one foot in front of the other. Brother told me swirly shirt was up ahead of us and was surely catchable but I didn't care at that point. I told him to please go on because I knew I was slowing him down. But he refused and continued to try to distract me.

It's strange. I can't describe what happened to me. I didn't really want or need distraction. I actually enjoyed the difficulty of the work. I think if I had been completely alone I would have been able to find that place inside myself that is willing to be uncomfortable which would have allowed me to move along "faster". But it was also nice having someone on the journey. Somewhere along the way we saw Dwayne coming back. He had finished and backtracked to come find me. Brother left me to go catch swirly shirt (and a race walker he has a rivalry with).

I was trying to explain the place I was in to Dwayne but I just couldn't put it into words. I still can't. When we turned onto Clinton I was a little sad that it was about to be over. All the flag bearers with the pictures of the fallen soldiers always hits me pretty hard but it seemed there were more out there this year.

At some point a woman in YOGA PANTS passed me!! I told Dwayne I couldn't believe I was getting passed by yoga pants!! He told me I could catch her if I wanted to. I didn't believe him but it gave me something to work for so I started after her. I was able to totally put every other sound and sensation completely out of my perception as I slowly gained on her. I knew I couldn't kick too early because I truly felt like I might pass out, but I knew I had to kick if I was going to catch her so with about 50 yards to go I poured out every bit of effort I had in me...and I got within about 2 feet of her! (And I did NOT pass out!!)

My Garmin says I picked up pace from walking when she passed us (17:38 pace) down to a 6:15 pace!! I have never felt the way I did at the end of this race. I can't describe it. But I liked it. My mind kept saying "you are going to pass out" but my body didn't feel like that. My body felt mostly strong. I felt in control of my limbs more than usual. I think the difference was how strong my mind was (is). My mind was telling my body to do something and it was responding. I think that's a very good sign.

Now...that was such a tiny part of the race I'm not going to get excited. I had a lot in the tank because it was my slowest CRR ever (1:25!) and I walked A LOT. But I felt GREAT afterward and I felt great yesterday and today. Like I didn't even run! I attribute a lot of that to the lower carb diet. (I indulged after the race but only for the day.)

Just ignore all the open tabs...I have a lot going on right now! :D

Overall I am EXTREMELY pleased. I ended up with a 13:31 pace which is MUCH faster than I expected to be. I think that has A LOT to do with the fitness I'm gaining at OTF...and I've only been able to workout there because I started this year working out with Joe at Huntsville Adventure Boot Camp. It's all a progression. A very LONG progression. But I don't actually feel like I'm sliding further in a hole anymore. 

It honestly feels like I'm making actual progress. The effort it's taking still feels completely out of proportion, but at least I don't feel like I'm expending all this energy only to slide slower than I would if I weren't making the effort at all. Does that make sense?

Thanks for stopping by and sticking around!!! Time to get some work done so I can close some of these tabs!!

:D

Cotton Row...What Do YOU Want? What Do I Want?

Race morning...(written race morning before I left)

Well, let me back up (pun intended, that will make sense after this paragraph). Last night my gut was FULL. I had not really pooped all day long. I am a fairly regular pooper so I was not feeling the best. When I went to bed I looked about 7 months pregnant. I actually prayed that I would poop well in the morning.

I should have prayed for sleep.

I woke up at 1. I don't know if I actually went back to sleep or not but I looked at the clock again at 2 and then at 3. I got up about 4. My head was pounding and my stomach didn't feel great. But when I went to the bathroom, I had MAJOR success!!!!

I'm sure my non-runner friends are grossed out about right now, but my runner friends know exactly what I'm talking about!

This morning I'm planning on starting the race with at least 2 friends, maybe 3. We are going to have a conversation before we start about expectations, needs and goals. My goal for that conversation is to be honest. I want to run well more than I want to run with friends. I really enjoy running with friends, in training. I don't really enjoy running with friends in a race. To me it's a race. I honestly believe all three of them are running better/faster than I am right now. What I'm really hoping is that they are running just faster than I am and that they can and will spit my words back at me and pull me through rough patches. And maybe I can pull them through rough patches. But some people don't want to be pulled through. I was completely willing to not race if either of them told me they really wanted company on this run, but I wasn't willing to give up my race if they didn't really care one way or another. In order to know, I need to have a conversation, an honest conversation about what I need and want and what each of them needs and wants. So that will be the first order of business.

.....

(Written today, Thursday after the race.) As soon as we got to the race, Dwayne left to do his own thing and I went off to say hello to the bathrooms! I swear, I have to pee like 20 times on race morning. I think it's just adrenaline, but it never fails!

About 15 minutes before race start I connected with my friends. Two of the three were there, and one extra, I found out later the original number three had overslept.

Let me back up and tell you how this running with friends thing all started...

Remember Bilbo? She was one of the friends. She had been running with a man she has adopted as her dad in several races leading up to this one. He ended up being hurt so she told me a few weeks ago she was probably not even going to do it. He runs much slower and she had not really trained to do this race. I told her she should just run with me. She in turn encouraged another friend who said she wasn't going to do the race to do the race after all. Then that friend talked to another friend on race morning. The night before the race yet another friend (the original number 3) posted her goal. I "KNEW" I couldn't make that goal but I told her she was welcome to at least start with us.

Back to race morning. I found out Bilbo and Number 2 had been training with run 1/walk 1. (Number 3 had no intention of staying with us, she was going to take off pretty much right after the start.). I have been playing this little game when I run. It's a little too complicated to explain, but basically it means I am running by feel. I might run several minutes before I walk, or I might run 1 and walk 3. It's erratic and not really the best thing for someone who has trained her body to walk/run to a set time. I asked them how important it was to them that we stay together. Friend 2 said she did not expect to stay with us. Although she had been running about the same pace as I had been running, it's stressful to try to stay with other people. She said not to worry about her at all.

Bilbo told me it was her NUMBER ONE priority that she not hold me back. Second to that she didn't want to cross the finish line alone. I pushed and pushed her because I really thought that deep down she really wanted me to stay with her the whole time and she was just unwilling to say that. I even told her that's exactly what I would do if she said that's what she wanted most. But she kept telling me that wasn't the case. What she wanted most was to not hold me back. I finally decided to listen to her. We played leap frog until about mile 2. I played my little game, running a couple of minutes and then walking a little. She stayed true to her training-1/1.

Fairly early on we met up with my brother. He's not my real brother, but I've adopted him as my brother. He's a race walker, and darn fast. The three of us leap frogged around each other. I think it was about mile 2 brother and I pulled a little in front of Bilbo. Brother was just ahead of me, until we got to Mountainwood. AKA "the hill". Brother said he was going to run up it, and I was NOT. So he pulled way ahead of me at that point.

Because of my little game I ended up running the foot of the hill to the Mile 3 sign and then walked the rest of the way. When I made the right turn I just kept walking, running maybe 1 minute until the turn onto Bankhead. I started running and saw Brother waiting.

He has had issues with his knees and should NOT run but he does every now and then. He came out to run the last 3 miles of a 50K I did back on New Year's Eve 2014. And he ran again with me Monday. We chatted going down Bankhead. I was talking about CPR and he was admonishing me that CPR wasn't an appropriate topic in the middle of a race. When we got to the bottom of Bankhead I remembered that I really wanted to run my best race so I told him I wasn't going to talk anymore so I could focus on running a little faster. He picked up the conversational slack and started talking more. About bacon and steak and pulled pork and bologna (yuck). He is a meat lover in case you couldn't tell. My mouth was watering and I started planning what I might want to eat after the race. Then he said "PIE". He makes the best pecan pie every year. One year he gave me one to give to Daisy. I wouldn't have given it to her except he TOLD HER it was coming!! PIE. That made me pick up the pace just a bit more. I started thinking "run faster and you can have a piece of PIE"!!

Of course I wasn't saying any of what I was thinking because I really couldn't talk at that point. I wasn't completely spent. But I was struggling and I really couldn't/didn't want to talk.

We turned the corner onto Clinton and I was sad not to see Daisy out there shaking her tambourine like she did last year. (I found out later that she overslept.) I started expecting to see Dwayne any second coming back to find me. We were getting close to mile 5 and he still wasn't there. I began to worry just a bit. But then I looked at the time. It was right at 54 minutes.

My A goal was 1:20. I realized I had right at a mile and a half to go. 16 minutes. My average pace at the moment was right at 11 minutes/mile. I thought I was going to be darn close to that A goal if I could keep running at this pace, or maybe speed it up just a hair. But I wasn't sure I could hold it. I was very fatigued and I was really struggling.

About that time we saw Brother's daughter. We passed her and Brother held back, but then I had to take a walk break at an aid station. They passed me and he told me to stay with them. I said I needed to walk a little more (my game requires me to change only on the top of a minute...it's silly, but it's helpful in a strange way). When I started running again, I caught up with Brother but his daughter was just ahead of us. She wanted to stay in front of us. And at that point all I wanted to do was catch her.

But I was on the STRUGGLE BUS.

We turned at the square and then back onto Clinton and I really worried about Dwayne but I pushed that out of my mind and focused in on my target who was still JUST ahead. I started planning my move and shared my goal with Brother who started planning with me. 

And then she did the unthinkable. She started pulling ahead. Like it was easy. Like it was effortless. Like it was nothing. Like she was out for a Sunday jog. 

I knew right then I wouldn't catch her. I was giving all I really had to give. I mean, I could give a little kick-let at the finish (maybe) but she was really pulling ahead and we had not gotten to the mile 6 flag yet. Brother told me if I wanted her I needed to pull the trigger and go for it. I told him I just didn't have it but told him he should go after her, which he did. 

Seeing them running together almost took my mind off the effort I was pouring out. And then I saw the row of flags and pictures of fallen soldiers. About that time I heard someone cheer for me. When I saw who it was, I threw the water bottle I had been carrying over to her and tried in vain to catch Brother and daughter. It was no used. They had pulled too far ahead, and I was running on fumes. 

I felt like I did that very first year coming in to that final stretch. I thought I just might pass out. I'm sure my finish line picture shows my eyes as slits. But I gave it all I had and crossed the line completely empty.

I was so thankful to see a good friend at the finish line. She congratulated me but I couldn't talk for a little bit. THAT is such a great way to finish a race!!!!! I grabbed a bottle of water and turned to go back out on the course to find Bilbo. Although I was really worried about Dwayne I had not gotten a text so I was sure he was okay. I ran down Clinton until I saw Bilbo running toward me. She didn't seem very happy to see me, but she told me she was on the same bus I had been on. She walks SO DANG FAST I had to job beside her to keep up. When we got to the finish chute, I ran to the outside of the fencing and ran in "beside" her. 

I was so very proud of her. As I said, she has been running races with her "dad" and hasn't done one by herself in a very long time. She finished STRONG and she looked really good. She didn't feel good and she wasn't happy with her time, but she had just finished a 10K, that she ran mostly alone. I was so very proud. 

I almost went back out to find friend 3 but I figured she wasn't far behind Bilbo, and at that point I really wanted to find out what happened to Dwayne. And, I had a swim lesson to get to. I found out that Dwayne had finished and went back out to find me but he made a mistake. He thought he could take a shortcut and get to me quicker. I was running a bit faster than he expected. By the time he realized it, I was way too far ahead for him to catch me. 

I'm pretty sure this was my slowest Cotton Row ever. I JUST missed my A goal (by a handful of seconds), but I never expected to make even that so I was THRILLED. I had an honest conversation with a friend about wants and needs and I listed to what she said instead of trying to figure out what might make her happy. I was honest about what I wanted and I didn't sacrifice what I wanted just to try to make someone else happy. It was a VERY GOOD RACE DAY!!!!

This is truly one of my favorite races. I am already looking forward to next year!! I'm hoping to be back in better running shape, but even if I'm not, I know I will learn another life lesson. :D

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.

Number 8

Tomorrow I'll run my eighth Cotton Row 10K in a row. That's shocking to me. I've been a "real runner" for EIGHT YEARS!! What's funny is that right now I'm not running a lot, but I'm still a real runner.

Well...let me be clear. When I say I'm not running a lot, I mean straight running. I walk run now and it's slow but last Saturday I ran 7.5 miles. The Saturday before that I ran 7 miles. I've run about 40 miles in the last month. On top of that, I'm teaching Spin twice a week and I've been swimming a couple of times. It's not like I'm on the couch. But it's interesting that I do certainly still feel like an athlete who has had to be sidelined a bit. All things considered, I'm really very happy with where I am physically.

I'm right at 20 pounds overweight, I'm slow as cold honey, and I'm very weak compared to my trained self...but I'm still moving.

I'm really looking forward to doing this race tomorrow. But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't also say I'm looking more forward to next year's race!! :D

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.



PS: Steroid update--I get my LAST TREATMENT three weeks from the day before yesterday (two weeks from this Friday). I'll be so very glad to have these OVER. I still really don't know if they have worked or not. I don't always thing they have, but I am thinking so much better than I was a year ago I can't help but think they have. I'm taking big steps to try to clean up my diet and to get my gut health on track, and I'm regaining fitness, so I'm cautiously optimistic about what's to come.

Paying the Tariff for Cotton Row

What happens when you have a bill you don't have the funds to pay for? Well, I guess there are choices. You don't pay the bill until you have the funds, or you borrow the money (loan of some kind or you pay on credit).

There is scene in the movie Ya Ya Sisterhood where Willetta tells Vivi something to the effect that at some point "everybody's bill comes due".

When you don't have the currency to pay a bill, and you borrow to pay for it, you not only have to pay the original amount, but there is always some kind of interest attached.

Running Cotton Row Monday was super fun. I loved it. I had a great time (experience, not finish time). AND...I didn't have the "funds" to "pay" for it. I cashed a check at a race and ended up with an overdrafted account.

Usually that analogy would have to do with training. When you don't train for something you either end up with a poor result, a long recovery time afterward or an injury. I wasn't trained but my body was able to withstand the distance enough that I wasn't injured. But I have taken a pretty big hit neurologically.

Here's the thing. I preach all the time about how ALL STRESS GOES IN THE SAME BUCKET. But I'm a hypocrite. I try to segment my life into neat piles and stacks. I had convinced myself that I could handle a 10K because I could handle it physically. I mean I considered it might not be the best thing given my condition...but only long enough to stick my head back in the sand and ignore (what is probably) the truth. That (possible) truth is that I should not have put that stress on my brain.

The big problem here is that I don't want any of this to be true. I don't want to see it. I don't want to acknowledge it. There are so many good analogies I can use here, but I'll stick with the finance one.

When a person has a bill they don't have the money for and the borrow to pay it, they go into debt. If they just ignore that debt, the debt grows. It doesn't go away just because they want it to. Sure, that person can file bankruptcy, but there are consequences that will follow that person for years after that decision to abandon the debt. And, there are even more far reaching consequences because that debt didn't get paid so someone didn't collect. Your debt doesn't just impact you.

The decision for me to run Cotton Row wasn't a BAD one because I've learned another lesson. (I don't completely know what that lesson is just yet because it's like a puzzle that I'm putting together and I don't have all the pieces in place yet.) Or, to keep the same analogy going I don't have all my debits and credits outlined in a good solid budget just yet.

Going on a trip isn't a bad idea. But when you go on a trip that you haven't saved for, and you haven't figured out how you will pay for it, you might have a GREAT time when you are gone, but you have to come home sometime.


I wish I had a more well thought out post to give you here, but my account is overdrawn and my brain simply isn't working like it should....please stick around until I've had time to make some deposits into my account. :D

Cotton Row Number 7-Cashing the Check

Well...it's ironic that this is "lucky number 7".

Pre Race (written Sunday afternoon)

I just published my last post about the things I've learned the last six times I've run Cotton Row. Let me just say, working though the last six years has helped me a great deal. I've been torn about what to do tomorrow. There are always choices to be made, but the decision to run this race wasn't an easy one.

Not only have I been "sick" with brain disease (I think I say it to solidify it in my mind that it's a real thing), but there's another aspect of the decision as well. I don't want to gloss over my physical state of being. I have NOT trained for this race. I haven't run enough to say I'm physically ready to run a 10K. I have been terribly weak and any effort has been taking a lot out of me. That said, I like to think running a 10K won't be impossible.

I did STRONGLY consider surprising Dwayne and being HIS biggest fan tomorrow. I would tell him

Doesn't everyone love more cowbell?!

I'm running but have my cowbell and some posters in the car. When he went to the front of the pack to start the race, I would run to the car and then go find him on the course they way he did with me the first 5 years. It might throw him off a little bit at first because he wouldn't know what was going on, but I think he'd be fine and it might help him have a great race. But this is NOT an A race for him. I would be giving up a race that I really enjoy to support him on what amounts to a training run.

I have tried to weigh the cost of this race with the value of running it. The problem is I don't quite know what the cost will be. But, again, I can back off and walk any time I need to, and if it becomes too much I can pull out pretty much anywhere on the course. I'm never too far from friends who can rescue me. :D

I'm very excited to see that tomorrow will bring.

-------

Ironic.

After I wrote the above, Face Book reminded me of a couple of previous blog posts I had written. I "opened them in a new link" to read later but didn't read them right away so they were still waiting for me this morning when I sat down to do some work.

I'll come back to those posts tomorrow, but for now let me tell you about the race.

Dwayne and I woke up early, I took a shower (thank you to Katie for giving me this pre-race ritual). I was very calm and relaxed overall. Since I had made up my mind the day before to run it, not race it and not back out of it, it was just a matter of moving forward one step at a time.

We parked in our usual spot and then headed over to the VBC. I chatted with some friends, went to the bathroom a couple of times, listened to the pre-race stuff, saluted to Taps, sang as much of the third verse of America the Beautiful as I knew (well...I hummed it anyway), and the gun went off!!

Since I lined up pretty far back, it took a bit of walking before I was able to start jogging. About 1/4 mile in I started second guessing my decision. I quickly shut that nag down and just started thanking God for the opportunity to be out there running with so many people (there were 1862 finishers!). At about the 1 mile mark, maybe a little before that I got behind a friend whose call sign is "Tank". He had the perfect double time cadence and let me tell you, there's nothing more hypnotic than running behind (a) Tank with perfect cadence. I could have probably stayed there all day but he kept looking back, probably to see who the dead weight was he was having to pull! I decided that I wasn't really "running my own race" while being mesmerized by his metronomic feet so I moved over at the first aid station to fill up my water bottle.

As I was running up the little hill after the cemetery and before the left turn onto Owens, I saw a runner in front of me who was looking down. It's not a steep hill, but it's a rise for sure so we were both breathing heavy. I couldn't help myself...as I ran alongside of her I said "you'll get more air if you keep your head up". As I looked over I saw it was a good friend of mine. I'm going to call her H3. (I'll explain in a little bit.) I laughed and said "Hey it's YOU!!! I'm glad it's you because I was talking before I could stop myself. You will just laugh at me but a stranger might have spit on me for the unsolicited advice!!" She did just laugh.

Side note...when you run up a hill, run "proud". Keep your chest up and open and don't look down. You lose a lot of energy and a lot of lung capacity by bending over and looking down!! :D

For the first time ever on Owens I took the "low road". There are two sides to Owens and I have always taken the one to the left (the "high road"). It feels out of the way to move to the right. I won't do that again. I was watching my heart rate (well over the 150 goal I had set originally) and decided to take a little walk break (not my first one). H3 passed me by on the high road. Then I ran a bit and she took a walk break.

We got to the bottom of THE hill about the same time. She asked me if I was going to run it and I said emphatically "NO, but I'm going to start it". I had no intention or expectation of running the whole way, but as I got started I felt good. The theme from Rocky was playing and I passed the first mail box and then the second one...I got to the little "flat" section and I was able to pick up the pace a little bit. The last little bit is pretty steep and the thought crossed my mind that it was a little stupid to be running but I really felt like I could make it...so I pressed on. As I topped out the hill and made the right turn onto Tollgate I cheered for myself! "YES, I DID IT AGAIN!!!" That's two years in a row I have run the whole hill!!! Now if I can just do it in the middle of an actual RACE, and then keep running....

As I started walking I knew H3 had to be right behind me. I knew she would eventually catch and pass me but I wanted to stay in front as long as I could. I don't know why. It was stupid, but I started trying to run again. I couldn't keep it up so I started walking. As H3 ran past me I told her how good she was looking and to keep it up. She looked over her shoulder and yelled at me "COME ON DANA". I decided I would try to stay with her as long as I could.

As we were running down Bankhead H3 said she was going to back off the pace a little bit so I asked why. She didn't have a good reason and we were about to run up a little rise so she said she would keep going until then. We walked a little but and started running again. We talked and talked and ran and ran. Daisy just moved into a house on the course so she was out cheering for the runners and shaking a tambourine. That was a huge boost and gave me a pep in my step. We got to mile 6 and H3 said she needed to walk a little because her heart rate was higher than she wanted it to be. She told me not to walk if I didn't need to. I was feeling good and my HR wasn't "too" high so I decided to keep going. I figured Dwayne was surely going to be showing up any minute. (His plan was to race and then turn around to come find me on the course.)

I was right. Just seeing him makes my heart skip a beat. He asked how I was feeling and I did a genuine assessment. I felt surprisingly good. I was fatigued, but I felt good overall. He told me he finished in right at 50 minutes. (That was slower than he wanted to run.) He said he started out fast but faded bad in the last mile. The heat had really gotten to him. When we made the final left hand turn I knew it was about maybe 1/2 mile to the finish so I started running just a bit faster. Team Red White and Blue was out with the memorials to the soldiers and waiving the big American Flags. It always gets to me.

Dwayne ran with me to the start line and then said he'd meet me around at the finish. I pushed in and finished feeling really great. I didn't look at my time and I didn't care. H3 was pretty much right behind me.

So, why "H3". Well...because she was in the Army and she is very strong and she has lost weight since I've known her and she's reliable and dependable and indomitable. The Hummer is a strong Army vehicle that will go for days. The H3 is a lighter version of the Hummer. I hope she takes it for the compliment that it's meant. :D

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around. Part 2 of this (where I talk about why those two old posts matter so much) will be tomorrow....

Looking Back to See What I've Learned

How about a post about running on my running blog?!

Monday is the infamous Cotton Row Run 10K. It will be my SEVENTH time to participate in this race. It is a thorn in my side. But we learn from our thorns.

Take a stroll down memory lane with me.

Year one, 2010. I had started "running" in January that year. Well...I started walking every other day for 30 minutes, and worked my way up. In less than SIX months I finished a 10K!! Looking back, that is freaking AMAZING!! At the time I wasn't thrilled. I had gotten injured because I wasn't a runner and ramped up my time/distance way too fast. I thought I might have a stress fracture and had an MRI like the week before this race. And yet, I still ran it. I finished in ...it doesn't even matter what my time was, I FINISHED a 10K and I hadn't even been running for six months! I learned to persevere through difficulty. (There were many other lessons that I didn't learn...)

Year two, 2011. I had been running for about 18 months. I had started swimming and riding a bike and had completed two triathlons by that point. I was feeling pretty good about where I was physically. My goal was to break an hour but ultimately I wanted to run my own race and do my best. I went BARELY over an hour but I finished that race feeling good about how I had run. Ironically a friend was at the finish line and caught the EXACT moment in time I realized I missed my goal by 24 seconds... I was disappointed about not making my goal, but I didn't dwell on it in the moment. I had raced the nag in my head and I had won. Well...until a few days after the race when that nag caught up to me... That year I learned you can run from that which chases you, but you can't run from that which is inside of you! (I'm still learning that one.)

Year three, 2012. I went into the race secretly hoping I would finally break an hour. I didn't train for that goal. I didn't have a plan to meet that goal. I just had a secret expectation. One that didn't match, or meet, reality. I did have a plan on how I would run the race (keeping my heart rate below 170). I ran that plan and got the result that matched the reality of what that plan would bring. But when I didn't reach my secret goal, I was disappointed. I realized if I was going to have any hope of breaking an hour I better train and I better have a plan. I threw down the gauntlet. I said 2013 would be my year to break an hour. Period. End of story. This was the year I learned about setting goals and managing my expectations to match reality.

Year four, 2013.  I had set the goal in 2012 saying "Next year I will have a plan for how I want to RACE this event!  I know the course, I know how I run it.  I will prepare and I will blow my time out of the water.  Mark my words." I went into this fourth year with a plan on how I would run the race. I had trained (some, although not as much as I had wanted because my shoulder had been injured since the previous fall). I had my goal FIRMLY in mind. And...I did it! I FINALLY broke an hour (57:43). I learned how to balance my expectations with reality and how to push reality to meet my goal.

Year five, 2014. This is the year I got summarily schooled by a dear friend who (whom?) I have "adopted" as my brother. In January of that year I had shoulder surgery. I had been going to PT and had JUST started running again when this race rolled around. My coach had told me it was to be a training run ONLY, since there was NO way I was ready to attempt to break an hour. I listened with one ear, and I ran the race as planned. I got the result I was ready for and the one I expected....I finished. 2nd worst finish time ever for me. I wrote up my recap saying it was "decent". My brother let me have it. (You should click on that link and read it...it's good.) He reminded me "I would never tell anyone who had given an effort they were "decent".  (And to be clear--anyone who starts a race gives an effort...anyone who starts to train for a race gives an effort...anyone who gets off the couch gives an effort---it's all relative, but it's all en effort!!)" Boy did I need to re-read that post today. Year five was all about remembering the big picture. I FREAKING ROCKED THAT RACE!! I was less than FIVE months out from shoulder surgery and I RAN A 10K!!! Holy cow! What was I thinking to say that was decent??!! Are you kidding me!? If I could slap that girl, I would.

That was the year I began to learn to honor my body and to began to learn how to be happy with the outcome my body was able to give me. Yeah...I'm still learning that one too.

Year six, 2015. I don't have a recap of this one. I wasn't writing much then. I had been struggling with my shoulder (still) and had been doing some PT trying to get ready for a 2.4 mile swim (in preparation for my second IRONMAN). The plan was to run with Dwayne, who was going to push me to a PR. This would be my first time running this race WITH my husband. Every other year he was my biggest fan. He followed me around the course and cheered for me and smiled at me when I needed it the most. This year we would run it together. But he woke up VERY SICK. Then we got to the race and found out a tree had fallen on the course so the start had to be delayed about an hour. He just felt worse and worse. But he ran anyway...until he had to walk. We did a walk run the whole time, holding hands along the way.

...OH...there was one thing that was almost as wonderful as running with my husband. I RAN THE WHOLE HILL!! Mountainwood isn't very long, but it's steep. Although I've run it in training, I had never run it in the race. Since we were doing a walk run almost from the very start, I got to that point feeling good. So I ran up the whole time!! But even that pales in comparison to the feeling of being with Dwayne the whole race. I was thrilled to find out a friend snapped this picture of us.

Best. Race. Ever.

I have no idea what my finish time was. I could look but it doesn't matter. This was the year I learned there's more to life than running races, goals, expectations and finish times.

So...tomorrow I'm registered for this race again, for the SEVENTH time.

I have a goal (finish the distance). I have a plan (walk run by HR and honor what my body and mind are willing to give me in the moment). In order to make that goal I will have to persevere through difficulty. I am managing my expectations and they match reality. I will NOT be running this race with the nag in my head and I will not be running with Dwayne by my side or as my cheerleader. (Dwayne is planning to race it.) I do have a back up plan in case my body (or mind) just won't give me what I think I want but I won't give up my goal or my plan just because it's hard.

Tomorrow, I am running this race for everyone who thinks they can't and for everyone who really isn't able. There will come a day when I am not able to run a 10K. The reality is tomorrow might be that day. But that's not my plan and that's not my expectation.

Stay tuned...
:D

Cotton Row 10K-Take Five...Better than Decent (part 2)

So...as I was saying in part one, a friend asked me how I did after the race and I said, "decent".   I may have added the part about this being my second worst CRR10K ever.  I think my friend marinated on that comment because a couple of days later I got this email:

I don't know what your IMLT finish time is, don't care, never will.

When I was in the Georgia marathon, back in March, several times I would
think "I'm tired". Then, I'd remember "Dana did one of these, after
biking 100+ miles. I can do this."

Same thing when swimming 2.4 miles in Chattanooga.  "Dana did this, and then
rode 100+ miles, and then did a marathon. This swim is EASY. "

So, quit worrying about your finish time. I know you are.

2015 IM Chatt will be difficult, and you don't need to be stressing
about finish times, that will make it difficult, and no fun. Don't let
finish time suck the joy out of your training.  A day will come when you
cannot complete an IM. Heck, a day will come when neither of us will be
able to do a 5k. So, rejoice NOW, and enjoy the opportunity to
swim/bike/run in God's creation.

(visualize Billy Graham thumping on the podium)

And you didn't do "decent" in Wet Dog. You kicked butt. I was THERE, I
HEARD you yelling when you saw the results.  (Side note-I screamed like a 3 year old that just got a pony for Christmas!)

You represent the "common man". You are the athlete for the 99%. You're
not the high school track star. You're not the collegiate swimmer.
You're like the rest of us. And you succeeded. Home-town girl done good.
Don't act like 2nd place is "decent", it is awesome.

One of the definitions of "decent", according to Webster, is "adequate".


(Thundering voice) IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?!

(visualize wiping forehead with handkerchief, taking a breath, the crowd
is in shocked silence)

Brace yourself: When you say you did "decent", you are distancing
yourself from the rest of us, who would LOVE to get 2nd place in age
group. Really? Don't want to hang out with us anymore? Think about it:
you have athletes who are just trying to COMPLETE a triathlon.  They are
reading your blog. What do you say to them, in next-to-last place, that
they did "less-than decent". No, you would tell them that they rocked.

REPENT!    :)

Now, please stand as Brother Bob leads us in 'Just As I Am'

Let me say...this was an email God intended me to get at the exact moment I got it.  I had just finished physical therapy for the day and was lamenting over being "so weak" and thinking "WHY ON EARTH CAN'T I GET STRONGER?!" and even "I JUST NEED TO QUIT TRYING"!!  I had been ruminating over my finish time from Monday's race training run.  When I got this I just started crying.  I would never tell anyone who had given an effort they were "decent".  (And to be clear--anyone who starts a race gives an effort...anyone who starts to train for a race gives an effort...anyone who gets off the couch gives an effort---it's all relative, but it's all en effort!!)

WHY DO I BEAT MYSELF UP THE WAY I DO?!

I must have read this email 25 times (I've only had it a couple of days, I'm sure I'll read it hundreds of times more).   I thought I was getting better about this pattern of thinking but have somehow slipped back into it.  (Maybe I never really got out of it?)

I can't say I did awesome.  I can't say I am proud of how I did Monday.  I can say I did better than decent.  I can say I'm really glad I did it.  I can say I accomplished the goal of the day.  I can say I am getting stronger (even when I don't feel like it in any given moment*).  I can say my measuring stick is ME.  I think that's the biggest reason I can't say anything I ever do is awesome, because I generally hold something in reserve, hold back, don't try my absolute hardest.  I'm only letting myself down when I do that.  And, maybe I'm letting other people down as well.  One of my favorite quotes says this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"     (emphasis mine)

So, if the inverse of this is also true, when I don't let "my" light shine (God's light through me), I'm unconsciously telling other people they don't have permission to shine either...   That's plain crazy!  
I know I don't want to live in a box, and I certainly don't want you there either!  So, go shine your light!

Read about this sculpture here.

:D


((*My doctor warned me about evaluating how I'm feeling in a moment-by-moment or day-by-day manner.  He said to ONLY evaluate my progress on a MONTH-BY-MONTH basis.  So I try to ask myself, "am I stronger today than one month ago?"...CERTAINLY unequivocally YES.  So the next time I whine about not getting stronger I will remember this email and REPENT!))

Cotton Row, Take FIVE--Better than Decent (part 1)

I'll spare you the details of my three ringed circus-worthy life but suffice it to say, it's been crazy lately!

I told my coach I really wanted to run the Cotton Row 10K but I balked when she told me I would need to do it as a training run because I wasn't in race-running shape.  I pouted and stomped my foot and told her I most certainly HAD to try to break an hour because that's what I had done for the last 3 years running and it was only last year that I finally actually did it.  (That conversation took place before I really even started running again...) 

As I started realizing just how much running fitness I have lost and how little time I had to rebuild it before this race I started rethinking the desire to register.  I put it off until the last possible minute.  I finally decided it didn't matter how fast I was able to run it, I couldn't possibly NOT run it because I have done it every year since I started in 2010.  This is the only 10K I've ever entered, and I didn't want to let a thing like performance determine if I would have fun in one of the best races in Huntsville. 

There are so many things that make this race amazing, not the least of which is the fact I see so many people I know out there-either running or on the course cheering.  It's the biggest race in town (maybe the Liz Hurley breast cancer 5K is bigger?).  It's on Memorial Day so there is a tribute to soldiers before the start, and this year they had pictures of fallen soldiers along road to the finish line as well as on the shirts of many runners.  I also really LOVE this course.  It's challenging.  It's basically 3 miles of uphill followed by 3 miles of down(ish) hill.  It's hot (usually one of the first really hot days of the year).  And...there is a brutal hill smack in the middle of the route.  It's a Hunstville tradition.

I lined up at the start already knowing there was really no way I would be breaking an hour.  I had not run more than a couple of times in the previous two weeks (did I mention my life has been crazy lately?), and I haven't run more 5 miles at any one time since January.  So, I took the start line with ZERO expectation.  I just wanted to run and enjoy the day.

The first 3 miles I was running off my heart rate.  When it would get up to 175, I would take a walk break until it came back down.  I played around with that recovery number a bit, but pretty much settled on 160, allowing that to be the "it's-time-to-run-again" signal.  When I got to "the hill" (Mountainwood), I turned the corner and made it a goal to run to the first mail box.  I didn't quite make it, but almost.  (Heart rate 185...)  I walked the rest of the way up, and then started on the 3 miles basically down hill to the finish line.  A funny thing happened...my heart rate stayed below 175 for almost the rest of the time-even though I was running faster.  (Again--down hill running takes so little effort!)

Although my heart rate wasn't elevating, my legs were letting me know they were TOASTED (which is why I couldn't run harder to get my HR elevated...it's a vicious cycle!).  But, since I had made a "deal" with myself to only walk with a HR of 175, I kept thinking, "This is ONLY fatigue...you aren't even really working!  You can keep running through fatigue."  I cheered spectators, telling them, "you can pretend I'm who you are here to see and cheer for me, I won't mind--I'll be your stand in family member!"  When I would see someone with a dog, I would ask them, "Hey, can you get that dog to chase me, I need some motivation to keep going!" And, as always, I would thank the volunteers.  Around mile 4 I noticed I didn't really have it in me to chat it up with anyone.  Fatigued.

When I rounded the last turn, I told myself, "this is it...the faster you finish, the faster you will be DONE...this is JUST fatigue and you can run as fast as you can make your legs go and then it will be over!"  About that time a friend came up beside me and cheerily said, "okay, let's finish this thing".  She sounded like she hadn't even been running.  I seriously didn't even have the energy to talk to her.  But she started pushing the pace.  I thought she was pushing awfully early, the finish was a good quarter mile away, but I really didn't want to let her leave me so I pushed with her and kept my focus on solid form and breathing.  I want to think I was pushing her as much as she was pushing me, but I know the truth was she was pulling me along.  We ran up behind some people going a bit slower so we split apart and when we did I was afraid I would end up slowing, so I threw in a little surge to get around.  When I did my friend said, "go ahead..."

In my mind (and out loud) I have said that same thing a thousand times.  What that means when I say it is "I just don't have it in me to keep this up;  I'm pulling back;  I'm taking my foot off the gas; (and unfortunately a lot of the times) I'm throwing on the brakes."   At that point I thought I was going to puke.  I knew the finish line was still a decent ways away and I knew to keep this pace was crazy given the fact I had taken the rest of the race so conservatively.  When people get to the finish and FLY through the end it almost always means they had more to give on the course.  I knew that was the epitome of my day....and I didn't want to pull back.  I told myself I DID have it in me to keep it up and it didn't matter if I threw up.  I held as strong a pace as I could possibly hold and finished as hard as I could go.  1:06:21 chip time (1:06:42 gun time).  Second worst Cotton Row ever for me.

After the race a friend asked me how I did.  I wanted to say, "I stunk really...but it is what it is this year..." but instead I thought for a second and I said, "I did decent".....

To be continued...

:D

Managing Expectations, Take Two!

I've spend a lot of time since last Memorial Day talking about taking control of your thoughts and being in control of your mind-to the athletes I coach as well as to my Spin class victims participants.

I talk a lot about how there has to be a balance between your body and your mind.  If you think your body is in control you will (most likely) never reach your full potential as an athlete because your body will complain about hard work.  (At least mine does--and loudly at that.)  I spent most of my life allowing my body to be in control.  ("Oh, that doesn't feel good, I better quit.")

At the same time, if you think your mind should always be in control, you could very easily end up injured.  ("Oh, that hurts?  Stop complaining and get back to work!!")

I didn't listen to my body when my shoulder started hurting and tried to keep pushing past the pain and, well...you know how that turned out if you've read my blog at all.

So...there really is a balance which can be hard to find.

This morning's Cotton Row 10K was all about finding that fulcrum for myself.  Not having been able to truly train for the last seven months (other than teaching Spin class and some sporadic runs here and there) meant I really didn't know what to expect for today's race.  I had "run" the course three times in the 6 or so weeks, but two out of the three were walk/runs.  The weather was really nice compared to years past, but I didn't know if I'd be able to take advantage of it or not.

I planned to run the race with two of my athletes/friends who I was pretty sure were going to be able to break an hour but I had made it clear I was NOT pacing and we had all agreed to run our own races.  I had planned out a race strategy and calculated paces.  I had what I thought was a good plan for me...the only thing left was execution!

I woke up on time and got ready and headed to the race.  Right about the time we got close to where my husband was going to drop me off I realized I forgot my watch!  This is not a race I can just "go run".  The first three miles are up hill, culminating in a short, steep stretch then it's pretty much down hill the last three.  Because I typically go out a bit too fast, I knew from experience it would be best for my watch to keep me in check as much as possible.  Then after "the hill" I knew I may need it to push me when I might feel like pulling back.  My strategy revolved around my watch....and I didn't have it.

My sweet husband offered to drop me off to meet up with my peeps and warm up while he drove back to the house to get my watch.  WHEW!!  "Crisis" one averted.

When I arrived at the meeting spot, only three of the four athletes I was supposed to meet weere there.  The other one is always early so I was a bit worried, but I figured she was either running a tad late or was in the bathroom.  (I didn't have my phone with me because I didn't want to have to carry it with me.)  So we set off to warm up and I realized I had left my water bottle in the car.  This wasn't a BIG deal because there is plenty of aid on the course and the weather was beautiful.  However, I like to have a sip of water available when I want it, and naturally as soon as I realized I didn't have it, my mouth went completely dry!  Just as we were finishing the warm up, my darling husband appeared with my watch and water bottle.  Sweet!

As we were coming back to the start, my other athlete/friend showed up.  (She had been in the bathroom.)  After the announcements and Taps (something that makes me tear up every year at this race)...the gun went off and we were...moving very slowly to the start line!

Mile one...at one point or another both athletes/friends told me we were running too fast.  I was watching average pace and not instant pace for two reasons.  On an undulating course if you are going down hill you'll think you are going way too fast, but going up you'll think you're going way too slow.  Also, my Garmin lies to me on instant pace.  I won't even pretend to understand why but I know this so I don't look at it.  My goal was to have mile one and two be about 9:15 so when we got to the split timer at 9:21 (according to my watch), I was thrilled (I started my watch at the gun so I knew this was at least 6 seconds slower than reality).

In the second mile the course travels through a neighborhood that I love to run in but only "get to" while training for this race.  I love all the houses and always find myself wondering what the people are like who live there.  Today many of them were out on their lawns enjoying the nice weather and watching the race.  I was cheering for them and thanking them...and realizing I may be going a bit slower than what I needed to since I was talking so much!  Mile two split-9:19.  A tad slower than I wanted, but I knew I was still within my plan so I wasn't going to panic.

Mile three starts a stretch of road that leads up to "the hill" and is pretty much all up hill.  There's a short section that goes down, but most of it is up.  The last time I ran the course I came up with an analogy for that section.  I'll spare you the details but this section is like Santa Claus to me.  That thought helped me get through it.

The part that was hard was the fact I had lost my "frathletes".  I didn't know where they were in relationship to me, only that I was ahead.  I wanted to pull to the side to wait for them, but we had agreed to run our own races.  They knew I had a goal for myself and pulling back would have only been an excuse not to push myself.  So I allowed myself to let it go and forced myself to take control of my thoughts.

In this section of the race, invariably people talk about "the hill".  Either they have run the race before and know what's coming up or they haven't and they are asking questions.  This year I largely ignored the chatter.  As I turned the corner to head up, I heard the Rocky theme...but interestingly enough, it didn't pierce my thoughts like it has in the past.   Usually I let that song penetrate my mind and infuse me with strength and inspiration to get up that monster.  This year, as I turned the corner I got up on my toes and started paying very close attention to my running form.  I "ran" for a little ways and decided I was "running" slower than I could walk so I switched gears.  Mile 3 split (part way up this hill) 9:31...still on track since my overall average was under 9:30 (which would give me right at a 59:00 race).

As I neared the top I saw another friend who was running the course for the first time.  He had a plan to walk the steepest part of the hill (the lower section) and start running again at the upper section.  Let's just say he had modified his plan.  As I rounded the corner at the top, I started running again.  I had wanted to focus on recovery for the short stretch before the next turn and that's exactly what I did.  I didn't slow down too much, but mentally I shifted gears and made a conscious effort to fully exhale so I could take nice deep breaths in.  It worked.  Taking a left hand turn, I started the down hill section of the course, and the fastest stretch of the day.

I looked at my Garmin and saw that it said 10:15 (instant pace).  No way (ugh...that's why I don't look!).  I knew I was running faster than that but I had no way to know just how fast.  It didn't feel as fast as it has felt before, and I couldn't seem to make myself go faster.  Interestingly enough, my stats say my HR was up to ...are you sitting down? ...225.  Now...I don't believe this for one second.  I think wha ha happen was (that's from a local radio show...it may not be funny if you haven't heard it...)...when I was in the car on the way to the race and realized I didn't have my watch, I took off my HR monitor.  When Dwayne said he would get the watch for me I put it back on, but I didn't wet the receptors so I don't think it had an accurate reading the whole time, except maybe later when I poured some water down my shirt!).  Anyway...I do know my HR was up so I'm thinking I was giving what I had to give, it just didn't feel like as much in the past because I was a little more "used up" today at that point than I have been before.  No matter...I stayed mentally with it and just kept running with all I had in that moment.

Mile four split (which includes the lion's share of the hill) 10:08.  This was a bit slower than I had intended but I think it's the fastest mile four I've had on this course so I wasn't thrown off at all.  I didn't even look at the average pace at that point.  I knew mile five would be faster and that was my whole focus.  I knew that the most challenging section of the race (the last 2.2 miles) were coming and I started really concentrating on my thoughts and my form.  (It's challenging because I'm tired at that point, but it is down hill...)

I looked for strong runners I could "attach" myself to mentally.  (I think this is a consequence of being in the military and running in formation...something that has never left me.)  I started reminding myself the race was really almost over and to stay strong.  I could hear Dwayne's voice in my head saying, "Don't be afraid to hurt.  Push yourself.  You are a fast runner, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable."  I was pulling out everything I could in my "bag of tricks" in order to run as hard as I could.  I was starting to feel really hot so I got some water and poured it down my shirt and started looking for my husband because I knew he would be right around the mile five mark.

I was still able to give "thumbs up"!

And...there he was with my daughter and my granddoggie!  As soon as I saw them and heard them cheering, I knew I could finish strong.  Dwayne was smiling from ear-to-ear and saying, "YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT!!  PUSH!!  YOU'VE GOT IT!!"  Mile five split-8:41.  Sweet.  I had made up the time I needed to for what I had lost on the hill.

By that point I had lost my ability to do math.  I had glanced at my watch once and saw that it said my HR was high but I didn't believe it based on how I was feeling and it had lied to me about my pace coming down the fast section so I had decided not to look at it but to push as hard as I could that last 1.2 miles.  I "knew" I would make it if I held on and gave it all I had.

About that time we were coming up to a major road and I saw an ambulance.  I started praying, "Lord, please let them be blocking traffic."  If I had been in my right mind I would have known, ambulances don't block traffic, especially with their lights on.  As I crossed the street, I saw the EMTs loading a woman up.  I averted my eyes because there was nothing I could do at that point except pray.  I prayed for her, for her family, for the EMTs, for the doctors, for all the people who saw whatever had happened, for all the ones seeing the ambulance load her up and for everyone on the course.  And...I regrouped in my mind.  I made a decision to not allow that sight to have an impact on my performance other than telling myself to finish strong for her.   And then I behaved in accordance with that decision.

The last little bit of the race runs down the street of a former co-worker of mine.  She has fairly severe scoliosis.  She has never been able to run, and will never be able to.  She is an avid supporter of this race and is always out on the sidewalk in front of her house clanging a cow bell and merrily cheering the runners.  I LOVE seeing her, and I love that cow bell!!  And...it's only about 1/2 mile until the finish!!  The course makes a right at the downtown square, then a left to the home stretch (about .3 from the finish).

I honestly had lost sight of all the people I had been staying around.  I wasn't sure if they were ahead of me or behind.  I wasn't looking at my watch.  I knew my daughter and husband would be at mile 6 and I was hoping I would be able to smile at them, but I wasn't hopeful at that point.  But, I knew it was almost over and I was pretty sure I had sub 60 in the bag, but I didn't want to squeak by.  I had read last year's race recap yesterday and saw those famous last words,

"Next year I will have a plan for how I want to RACE this event! I know the course, I know how I run it. I will prepare and I will blow my time out of the water. Mark my words."

Notice the "I'm DONE" look on my face!

Well...I did have a plan and I do know how to run that course.  However, I knew I wasn't prepared and hadn't trained, but I was feeling strong...just not at mile 5.9.  I saw Dwayne out of the corner of my eye, heard him cheering and heard my daughter yelling for me.  I couldn't look over at that point but kept my eyes straight ahead.  There are two banners...the first one is a teaser but it tells me when to turn on my finish line kick so I was watching for it and telling myself, "wait for it...wait for it...okay NOW!!"  I usually try to pass someone as I'm coming in...not this year.  This time I saw the first two numbers on the clock which said, "57" and I knew I didn't want to see them click over to "58" so I focused in on the last two numbers and poured out everything I had....and crossed over in the nick of time!  Clock time was 57:59, gun time was 57:43.  Mile 6 split was 8:49 and the last .28 was 2:12 (an average pace of 7:53).

I immediately headed back to a spot I could go back out on the course to find my athletes.  I had no idea where anyone was.  As I was walking back that way I found my family and told them what I was doing.  I started getting worried when I wasn't seeing anyone and it was well over an hour.  I told myself the ones I was running with early on had finished right behind me and that's why I had missed them.  I saw another one of my frathletes and started running in with her.  That woman is a machine!!  She works SO stinking hard every single day I have to FORCE her to take a rest day sometimes (and even then I don't think she really does back off at all).  She told me she was almost panicked because she had lost her car key on the course.  But she said she knew there was nothing she could do so she kept running and would deal with it after the finish!!  I ran with her as far as I could until I had to peel off and then I watched her cross the finish line strong and then she disappeared!!  I found out later she ran straight to her car where she found her keys in the door!!

I found frathlete 1 who had finished sub 60, she told me frathlete 2 did as well.  I never saw frathlete 4 but found out later she got a little lost on the course; she still finished her first ever 10K race!

I'm VERY pleased with today's race.  I'm THRILLED I ran it in under an hour.  I'm proud as punch with all my frathletes!  They worked hard and raced hard and met their goals.  And...I can not wait to see what next year has in store.  I don't know that I would really say 2:37 off last year's result is "blowing it out of the water" but I think (IF my math is correct) it's about 15 seconds a mile off and that is better than "good enough" for me even under normal circumstances.  When I factor in the last seven months...I don't think I could have even hoped for better than that!!  In fact, I didn't. 

So, how do I get better at "managing expectations"?  I manage them well...just like I did today!!

Thanks for stopping in, and if you read this all, thanks for staying a while!!  Come again soon!!!
:D