Doing the Thing

Not really doing Whole30...

A few years ago when I did the Whole30 I started getting the emails from Whole30. About half the time I read them (okay, maybe 1% of the time I read them, about 5% of the time I skim them, 90% of the time I save them "for later" and the other 4% of the time I trash them...but who's counting)!

The other day I saw a podcast Melissa did with James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits. I have heard of the book but haven't cared too much about adding it to the LONG list of books I'd like to read but just don't ever get to. But, I've been talking a lot in Spin class about resolutions (...a DECISION to do something*), solutions (HOW you are going to do it), plans (the actionable steps) and goals (how you know you have achieved the thing you want to do). So I decided to give it a listen...and it was AMAZING. I loved the podcast so much I've been listening to other "Do the Thing" podcasts.

Two of the biggest things I got out of the podcast were 1) casting votes and 2) stop optimizing.

In order to dive into those thoughts, let me share with you my goals and resolutions for the New Year:

So many memes on healthy eating...

1) Resolution one: I am going to be more intentional about eating more healthy. The optimizer in me
gets REALLY stressed out about this because what does "more healthy" even mean? Depending on who you listen to that might mean eat more, or less; eat more carbs, less carbs; go plant based...etc. Additionally I've had some recent tests done that show SIBO (small intestine bacterial overgrowth) and what healing from that looks like is a little fuzzy. The path toward healing from that is VERY unclear to me. The optimizer in me gets VERY stressed out looking for the "perfect" solution. The optimizer in me ends up not making a decision on what path I will take because that part of me gets so hung up on what path I should take I end up saying "screw it" and eating pizza (THE WORST POSSIBLE FOOD FOR MY BODY when it's the best possible version for my taste buds).

Casting a vote for "being a person who eats more healthy" means that more often than not I will make conscious decisions regarding what I'm putting into my mouth. I will (more often than not) know why I'm eating what I'm eating and eating it because I believe in that moment it's a healthy choice. Now, that doesn't mean I won't eat pizza...it might mean that I limit gluten and dairy filled pizza to VERY RARE occasions. I might mean that I sub out regular crust for a gluten free crust and sub out real cheese for vegan cheese. But it won't mean that I will never eat pizza again. I'll also eat donuts and have popcorn at the movies. I have come to believe "eating healthy" means that you do eat the "extra" foods you love on occasion.

Now, to be fair, I am WAY further on the "healthy eater" side of the scale than I used to be...but my resolution for this new year is to continue moving further to that side of the see-saw.

My plan is to start the year with the 90 day Epic Life Challenge from Epicure. I'm not doing it exactly as they have it outlined, but I'm taking the best parts (ie the daily journal) and applying them to what I believe is healthy for me.

My goal from this resolution is to lose the extra weight I've been carrying since starting steroid treatments (about 15-20 pounds), and to develop consistent food and hydration workout habits.

2) Goal 1 for this year is to do better at the Knoxville Marathon on March 29th than I did last year (which was 6:51:37).

3) Goal 2 for this year is to complete IMChoo 70.3 May the 17th. I don't have a time goal, just before the cut off (which I think is 7:30 but I'm not even sure right now...)

The habit I have to "form" (get back to) to make both of these goals a reality is consistent training.
The optimizer in me says it has to be perfect training, planned out and balanced and executed perfectly. But the truth is that consistent training that ramps up to the appropriate level will do very well. I didn't really train at all for Knoxville last year** and I finished it. I can't NOT train for a 70.3 and finish, but consistent training will get me to the finish line even if it's not perfectly planned and executed. And right now getting myself to a finish line is "good enough". That doesn't mean I'm settling for less than my very best (GASP), it means I'm being realistic that a 50 year old woman who is in recovery from an autoimmune brain disease is really doing great to be able to complete a challenging marathon and a 70.3 with a two month time frame. (Not to mention I'm doing the Little Rock Marathon on March 1st as a warm up event leading up to Knoxville.)

By consistently training I will be "casting votes" for the person I want to be (a person who consistently trains"). Last night before I went to bed I got all my swimming stuff ready. I woke up this morning and drove to the Y at 6am to swim...and they were CLOSED!! Long story short I ended up doing yoga today. I trained. It wasn't what I had planned. It wasn't "optimal". It wasn't perfect. But I trained and I didn't let the Y being closed derail me completely. I also didn't let the plan to swim today derail what I had planned for the rest of the day.

4) Resolution 2 is a little embarrassing but I shared it in my Spin class yesterday so I'll share it here... But let me give the lead up before I blurt it out. To be clear, I brush my teeth every day, twice a day. I am not the most consistent flosser, but I do that at least once or twice a week at the very least. I use a Sonicare brush that has a 2 minute timer on it. ...I don't usually brush for the full two minutes! I usually end up stopping it when I think I've brushed long enough. (GASP) So resolution number 2 is to use the 2 minute timer EVERY time I brush. And since I'm already spending more time...

5) Resolution number 3 is to floss at least once a day every day.

The optimizer in me just found a NEW Sonicare toothbrush that has an app that helps you brush PERFECTLY!!! (WHAT?!) I almost ordered one! But we are in a bit of a money crunch right now*** so I'm going to wait...but I WILL have that toothbrush before year's end!!

It's going to be the best year ever!! (Especially since I started my "new year" yesterday giving me two extra days...and it's a LEAP YEAR which gives another extra day!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Feel free to share your goals and resolutions in the comments, or email them to me; I'd love to hear what you have planned for 2020!

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.

For more information about Epicure: click HERE.
Or, if you'd like to watch a video instead: click HERE.

*Resolution also means "the act of solving a problem" which is a definition I really like when I think about "New Year's Resolutions". I used to HATE the thought of making resolutions because of the negative connotations and how most people don't end up keeping them. But when I think of them in terms of movement toward the person I ultimately want to be (vs a check/no check in a box) the idea is considerably more palatable to me!

**I realized while writing this that I didn't even write about the races I did this year! (GASP!) I will have to go back and write about how I completed THREE marathons and a half in just 22 days!! Mic drop.

***We are in a money crunch because the renters moved out of the house I bought when I got divorced. The house that was supposed to be sold 10 years ago. The house that is thankfully now worth what I paid for it again. (For years it wasn't even close thanks to the drop in the housing market that happened right after I bought!) If you know of anyone looking to buy a house in Conway Arkansas, it's a LOVELY house. It needs some love an attention, but it's priced to sell. And, until we sell it the optimizer in me will not allow frivolous purchases like a fancy toothbrush!

Leveling Up in The Game of Life

Content WARNING: this post could be triggering and hard to read, for a number of reasons. (This is not a joke and not written tongue in cheek...)


Recovery is an interesting word....it means:

a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

It also means:

the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

Returning to a previous state of "normal".

Ever since my brain "broke" and I was forced to stop running/working out, I have wanted to "return to my previous state" of strength and endurance. I had been working out at Iron Tribe. I had completed the Grand Slam. I had completed two Ironman races (Lake Tahoe and Chattanooga). I had started coaching and directing kids' races along the way. I felt strong and powerful and healthy.

And then my brain broke.

I thought brain disease had taken something from me. I thought that regaining the fitness I had lost, regaining the brain function I had lost, would return me to a state of health.

I was wrong. Regaining the strength and fitness I had lost was just going to return me to a previous state of "normal". But I wasn't actually fully healthy.

When I woke up in the middle of the early morning I didn't expect to be hit with this ton of bricks thought. I was sitting there reading a Facebook post about someone wanting advice about returning to running after being off for a couple of years. The President of Huntsville Track Club chimed in with a BRILLIANT answer:

Start slow and short, build a solid base and a consistent routine. Make it part of your regular day so skipping a workout eventually will feel unnatural. Pick a few goals along the way over next year, use a proper plan and train for them. Then come august start your plan for RCM. You’ve got plenty of time, just get out there and do it. Life will always get in the way but try to stick to the plan. Consistency is the best thing for you

That got me to thinking...that answer is about the mechanics of running. The how. But I ALWAYS look at a different side of running...the WHY. My advice is always "Remember WHY"..."Figure out your WHY"..."Hold on to your WHY"

When I first started this running journey I was focused on the "what"-I wanted to run the Rocket City Marathon. (That's ironic...I didn't know the goal of "running" a marathon might turn into "running" as in directing). I figured out how to get there: have a plan, start out slow... Along the way I thought I figured out why.

In case you aren't a "dig deeper" kind of reader and you didn't click on that last link out of curiosity (I think you should read it, I think it's one of my better posts...), I basically said I wanted to learn how to "go the distance" because I was a bit of a "when the going gets tough I quit" kind of gal. Up until then I thought I had quit hard things. I quit relationships, I quit exercise programs, I quit diets... I said setting the goal of running a marathon was because I felt like I had been an "on a whim" kind of person. I would have an idea but when it was time for the rubber to meet the road I would "change my mind" (AKA quit).

By committing to running a marathon I thought I was going to connect with that part of me that could survive hard things.

But, you see...I had already connected with that part of me. When I was 7 years old I got intimately acquainted with that part of me that could live through and endure pain, that part of me that could carry on and keep going. In silence.

Running for most people involves turning off the "quit" voice. "Endure" means "to suffer patiently".

I had already learned how to "endure". I won't go into details, but my childhood wasn't idyllic. I didn't live in a sit-com family. I'll just leave it at that, but suffice it to say, I endured. I thought I had come out on the other side of that past life. I thought my tendency to quit hard things was somehow related to that past life and by learning to stay committed I was going to somehow "win".

While there is some truth to that...any good gamer knows there's always another boss to beat. There's always a harder challenge in the next level of the game. If you beat a boss that pounded on you in level one, in level two you'll encounter a boss that pounds on you AND throws fire. If you master that level, in level three the boss will do those things while the ground crumbles beneath your feet. There's always another challenge to overcome.

When Dwayne and I took over directing the marathon, we knew it would be hard. (Okay I knew it would be hard, Dwayne thought it would be "fun".) I knew it would be a whole other level of challenge. I knew it would spotlight areas of our marriage, areas of each of our personalities, that needed some "work". I actually didn't want to do it for THAT reason more than anything. Running a marathon is HARD. Directing a marathon is HARDER.

But when you are a person who doesn't do ANYTHING AT ALL on a surface level...when you are a person who searches EVERYTHING for the deeper meaning...when you are a person who takes lessons from EVERY SITUATION...hard things become that much harder.

But they also become more meaningful.

When I was young I learned how to endure physically. I turned off my mind and my emotions. I didn't think about the circumstance I was in, I certainly didn't feel the feelings associated with what I was being put through. As I got older I learned how to mentally endure. I reconnected my brain to my body and vice-versa. Along the way, I've had glimpses and hints of emotional endurance.

Everyone will tell you to "listen to your body" when you start running, and I will agree that's CRUCIAL. But it's also crucial to listen to your heart.

I am learning that a lot of the choices I've made in life have been in an effort to either protect or pump up my heart. (Not my physical heart, my emotional heart, stay with me here.) I think this new level I'm on now is all about listening to my heart and giving it a voice. It's about accepting love that's given. It's about standing up against offense. It's about hurting when I hurt, but also about showing love without abandon. It's about showing up and speaking up but also about being quiet and stepping back. It's about taking the lead and also saying no.

If my brain had not broken...if my body had not faltered...I might not have gotten to this level. I'm not interested in returning to a state of previous "normal", but I am interested in the recovery that involves the process of regaining something that was stolen from me. I'm not interested in returning to where I was pre-brain disease. I'm interested in leveling up.

Bring that on that next-level boss. I'm ready.

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.

Fire and Rain

Dwayne wrote a book before I met him and he's re-written it many times since then. It's almost not even the same book anymore. The working title at one time was "Fire and Rain". It's a really good book but not why I'm writing this post.

Yesterday I ran the Monte Sano 15K. It's the third time I've run that race, but this year there was a totally new course. In 2011, the first time I ran it, I finished in 1:24:49 (9:06 pace). (I raced it as part of my training to run my first marathon. Just a few weeks later I raced the Huntsville Half Marathon in 1:56:30 (8:54 pace).) The following year I ran with a friend and athlete I was coaching as part of her training plan. I think we finished in something like 1:35.

Yesterday I was thrilled to finish it in just under 2 hours (just over a 12 minute pace).

In Dwayne's book there is a part where a village gets completely decimated by a fire. Two of the villagers are awakened the next morning by raindrops hitting their faces.

Yesterday as we were waiting for the race to start we heard a rumor...the race was going to be delayed by about 20 minutes because there had been a fire on the course that was going to alter the route. My first thought was the poor people whose house was on fire. I didn't care much about the race at that point. But since I'm not a fire fighter, there wasn't anything I could do to help put the fire out. It wouldn't help that poor family if I decided to get back in the car and go home. Just moments later it started to sprinkle rain. As a race director I really felt bad for the RD...fire and rain on top of having to run on a new course this year, on top of it being the coldest day we've had since like April. Poor guy.

Race directors are first and foremost problem solvers. Sure there are hundreds (if not thousands) of details to attend to in order to pull off a race, but the main duty is to solve problems. Cooler weather and rain isn't really an RDs problem (at least not for a 15K...a longer distance race has to deal with issues like hypothermia-for your participants and volunteers). Fire on the course is a MAJOR issue-you not only have to reroute the runners, you have to make sure everyone is on the same page (police, aid stations, split timers). About 20 minutes after the originally planned start we found out they were returning to the original course, but about 15 minutes or so later still.

I had asked Dwayne to run with me, to pace me to a faster finish than I would have had if I were alone. I signed us up before really thinking about the fact that he had not run longer than about 4 miles since he broke his ankle (in May) and I had not run more than 5 miles since like April. I signed us up when I was feeling pretty spunky. I signed us up because the race was going to be on a new course and they were, for the first time ever, giving out medals!! (I'm all about the bling!) But by the time race morning rolled around I was really nervous. Would we be injured? Would I even be able to finish? I've been EXHAUSTED lately. Like bone weary tired. (Auto immune fatigue is unlike any other fatigue you can ever even imagine unless you've been through it.) Was a silly medal even worth it? NINE POINT THREE MILES.

Then there was the fire. Then there was the rain. (Okay, it didn't really RAIN, it sprinkled...and it didn't last long.)

After some announcements that could not be heard by anyone except the runners in the very front, the gun went off and we were moving. I had told Dwayne I really wanted to run 3 minutes walk 1minute...no matter what. But just as we started he suggested that, because the course is rolling, we should keep that interval, but also run any downhill. I begrudgingly agreed. I had to laugh because I remembered telling my friend/athlete that her plan was to charge every UPhill and coast flats and downs.

As we started my left shin started complaining. I knew I just had to stretch it. I didn't do ANY kind of warm up and I had not run in over a week. Heck, I had not done any real exercise in over a week because I had been traveling. I knew once I warmed up it would (probably) be just fine.

We started playing leapfrog with the other intervalers. Dwayne was certainly pushing the run pace faster than I would have. I didn't look until just now, but our running pace averaged about 10:30-11/mile. My left foot hurt...like felt like it was on FIRE...my legs got seriously tired...my left glute muscles felt like they were on revolt. I felt dizzy a few times. I seriously doubted if I would be able to finish...but only for a fleeting moment. I've never quit a race I've started. (There have been races I haven't started, but I've never quit.)

The course was really fantastic. It's rolling and winding and you are almost always seeing the runners who are ahead or behind you. I kept telling myself that my A goal for next spring is to run a faster Knoxville...but as I was running I felt silly for even setting the goal in the first place.


In Dwayne's book the two villagers who survived the fire were completely changed by it. The rain the next morning was like a new fresh start for both of them. But it's not like they just left their old lives behind, forgotten.


I'm not going to lie...I'm still holding on to my "old life" (pre brain disease). That life when I trained hard and was able to set goals and race. I keep thinking that I will get back to that athlete I was. I just have to be patient. But the truth is, just like in Dwayne's book...I really need to start accepting that I won't ever be the same. When we were waiting for the race to start yesterday morning, we didn't know what was going to happen...would the course change? How long would we be delayed? Would it rain harder?  There was no reason to believe the race wouldn't happen, it just might not look exactly like we expected. There's no reason to believe I have to give up "training" and "races" but I need to start realizing I am dealing with a new reality now.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. And I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. But I always thought that I'd see you again.

It might seem silly...but I'm sad.  And, at the same time I'm not fully ready to let go of what I want. I want to compete. I want to train. I want to have a faster Knoxville. I want to finish IMChoo 70.3 in May in under 6:30. I want to compete in another IM. I want to BQ. I want to run a 50 miler and a Hundred.

I just don't know what's the right thing to hold on to.

I think the answer is to be patient in the not knowing. To keep looking forward (not back) and to keep pressing onward. Just like in yesterday's race. I didn't know what might happen, but I knew I wasn't going to quit.

I actually finished quite strong. I was able to push the pace the last .1 mile from a 9:30 pace down to an 8:14. That doesn't make me sad at all.



Thanks for stopping by and sticking around.