I Believe, Help My Unbelief

Most of you who know me in person know that I am "in recovery/remission" from Autoimmune Encephalopathy (basically autoimmune brain disease-my body attacked my brain). When I look back I think there were some signs of symptoms for a while before it really blew up in the late fall of 2015.

I was treated with high-dose IV steroids for a little over a year. With autoimmune conditions they don't ever say you're "cured" because there isn't a cure. They treat symptoms. Sometimes that treatment is a burst of treatment until the symptoms are under control and then you just wait for a "flare" to happen (or not). Sometimes people have to stay on immunosuppressants long term to keep their immune system "under control". Either way traditional western medicine doctors pretty much say "we don't know what causes the body to attack itself...let us know when you flare and we'll treat again".

I did not like that answer. Both the disease and the treatment really ravaged my body. I lost tons of hair, I gained A LOT of weight (that I'm still trying to lose), and I lost all my fitness (that I'm still trying to regain).

I dove deep into the world of Functional Nutrition to search for answers. (As deep as my mind and my time allowed.)

One thing that most (if not all) Functional Nutrition Practitioners agree on is that most (if not all) disease starts in the gut. Sure, there is a genetic component and a (HUGE) stress component, but those can be mitigated or inflamed by what we put into our bodies. I believe this wholeheartedly.

And yet...I am STRUGGLING mightily with my diet right now. When I get stressed I just want to eat all the food that I "know" is not best for my body.

But here's the thing--I KNOW it when I stop eating these foods and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I "know" it when I'm wanting those foods and I decide that maybe I'm wrong and what I think I "know" is really probably not true.

Let me say that again...when I'm not eating gluten, dairy, and sugar and when I am eating a WFPB (whole food plant based) diet I feel SO MUCH BETTER. My mood is good. I'm not anxious. I sleep well. My skin looks good. I have energy. I am more adaptable to change. I think more clearly. My body feels better. I have much better workouts. My resting heart rate is lower. My stomach isn't bloated and distended. I don't have sinus issues, headaches or body/joint aches. I recover faster.

When I am eating gluten, dairy, and sugar my joints get swollen. I suffer from tendonitis. I ache. My anxiety ramps WAY up. I have a hairpin anger trigger. I cuss uncontrollably. I'm EXHAUSTED and I can't sleep. I'm VERY IRRITABLE. My resting heart rate is 10-20 beats higher. I feel sluggish. My workouts suffer (or I don't work out at all). My skin gets super dry. My hair falls out. I have TERRIBLE headaches. My eyesight suffers. Maybe worst of all my brain doesn't function as well. And I'm TERRIFIED I will end up like I was in 2015/2016--with an almost non-functioning brain.

You might be asking "then why would you ever eat gluten, dairy, and sugar"? Uhm...have you TASTED gluten, dairy, and sugar? To be clear, they typically all go hand-in-hand. The absolute WORST thing for me to eat is pizza followed by something sugary, washed down with some kind of alcohol. But when I get stressed out that's exactly what I WANT.

To make it worse my husband LOVES these things and he is all about giving me what I WANT. We have had MANY a discussion over this very topic. I think I'd love nothing more than for him to be a health nut who would say "no, we are not going to get pizza...we are going to roast some yummy veggies instead and then we are going to go for a walk". Instead he says "what do you want" and when I say "pizza" he says "okay". Sometimes when I say "let's get a rotisserie chicken and veggies" he'll say okay, oftentimes he says "okay you can get that, I'm going to get a pizza".

Don't get me wrong...I am NOT blaming him. My desire for these foods is STRONG when I'm stressed. Or maybe when I'm eating these foods I get stressed more easily and that makes me crave these foods more. Either way the outcome is a downward spiral.

If you know me you know I'm always doing something...at least I was pre-covid. In my normal life I direct several kids races through the summer, I train kids and adults in triathlon and running, I train (at least I try to...it's been so long since I really trained I don't know if I can still claim it!), I am constantly learning something, I teach Spin at the Y, I have friends I try to stay connected with, and my husband and I direct the Rocket City Marathon...a race we have been trying to grow so we put A LOT of time and effort into it. Then Covid happened. I know it's been a major disruptor for everyone. Because of Covid the stresses of directing the marathon grew exponentially for a lot of reasons I won't bore you with. But I mention it because the race is in exactly ONE WEEK.

To say my stress level is high is like saying the universe is big. To make matters worse because I'm so busy I end up "forgetting" to eat which then causes me to crave all the worst foods (no one craves broccoli when they are super hungry!). To make things even worse I don't have a ton of time to cook well so we end up "just grabbing something" more often than not (there are no fast food health restaurants).

I think they say the first step in breaking a bad habit (addiction) is to admit there's a problem.

I have a problem.

Before you suggest it, I have actually been to an Overeaters Annonymous meeting (more than one actually) before. And maybe that's right where I belong. I'm not entirely sure. But if so, it's going to be very hard for me to work the steps living with another person who has the same eating habits I'm desperately trying to break. I don't think I would care quite as much if the only issue with eating unhealthy-for-me food is that it makes me gain weight. I think I could live with the extra pounds I have right now. I don't like it, but it's not the main reason I need to change what I'm putting into my body.

Allow me to reiterate: When I'm eating gluten, dairy and sugar my joints get swollen. I suffer from tendonitis. I ache. My anxiety ramps WAY up. I have a hairpin anger trigger. I cuss uncontrollably. I'm EXHAUSTED and I can't sleep. I'm VERY IRRITABLE. My resting heart rate is 10-20 beats higher. I feel sluggish. My workouts suffer (or I don't work out at all). My skin gets super dry. My hair falls out. I have TERRIBLE headaches. My eyesight suffers. Maybe worst of all my brain doesn't function as well. And I'm TERRIFIED I will end up like I was in 2015/2016--with an almost non-functioning brain.

I have decent resolve when I wake up in the morning with a food hangover. But by mid-morning I'm jonesing for pancakes and chocolate milk! (And I ain't talking about gluten free pancakes with fruit and chocolate almond milk!)

My husband and I have talked about "cleaning up our diet" after the race is over...but, well, that's just before Christmas so that's not the best time to give up all the yummy food we WANT, so we'll do it after the first of the year. But my whole thing is WHY WAIT? Why not now?

And, to be clear, for me it's not about "all things in moderation". It's really not. Even a little bit sets me off. I think it's very much like an alcoholic who simply can NOT drink even a drop. The difference is I still have to eat food to live. And it's really NOT easy to not eat gluten, dairy and sugar.

But somehow I have to.

Starting TODAY. This day. Right now.

I just have to make it happen. I truly WANT to feel better more than I WANT to eat gluten, dairy and sugar. At least that's how I feel in this moment.

It usually takes about 36 hours for me to start physically feeling better, and about 30 days for the cravings to subside and for my mindset to change. The hardest part will be the next 8 days. But I'm writing this and will make it public so that I can officially put my stake in the ground.

Several years ago my nephew, who I barely knew, overdosed on drugs and died. He used that night with his brother who lived. My other nephew, who I barely know, fought addiction for several more years but he has now turned his life around. I want to turn my life around.

I know it sounds like I'm being melodramatic but I'm really not...people with AE can have seizures, go into a coma and die. And I have been having flares lately. My hand shakes, my head shakes, I'm having some issues with thought processing, my anxiety has been off the charts, my head is pounding most of the time, my eyesight has been really bad, I have had terrible insomnia...these were all precursors to not being able to find my way out of my car and getting lost at the YMCA I had been going to for 5 years at the time. You might think I would have "turned my life around" when I was at that low point.

I started to say I didn't know it was my diet that caused the trouble. That would be a lie. I did "know" I just didn't KNOW. I didn't accept it. I didn't live it every day even when it was hard.

Most people can enjoy alcohol...true alcoholics can't.

Some addictions are more socially acceptable than others. Some are hidden; some are more outward-facing.

According to this article the five characteristics of addictive behavior are:

• An inability to stop
• Changes in mood, appetite, and sleep
• Continuing despite negative consequences
• Denial
• Engaging in risky behaviors
• Feeling preoccupied with the substance or behavior

I think those all fit. I don't think the Overeaters Anonymous definition fits. Just like everything else, I don't think I fit neatly into a mold. But I know I need to break the one I'm in.

Thanks for stopping by and sticking around.

I am a Boston Marathoner

 I have put off writing about my last "event" for a couple of reasons. First of all after I finished it I've been either crazy busy or sick. But more than that I've had a very hard time "processing" all that went into completing the event and all the emotions it stirred up for me.

I should have put a spoiler alert before the title...in case you didn't guess it, the last event I completed was the (Virtual) Boston Marathon.

Back in April I found out the Boston Marathon was going to have a hybrid event this year (part virtual and part in person). They were opening up registration to ANYONE for the virtual event so I decided I wanted to register!

Let me back up just a half-step. I'm guessing everyone knows Boston Marathon is a race that you either have to qualify for with a VERY fast time at a qualifying marathon, or you have to be a fundraiser to get one of the few "charity" slots. But this year I was going to be able to get a coveted unicorn medal by completing the marathon distance on Boston Marathon weekend and submitting my time.

I conned convinced a friend to register with me and then, because she and I both love to travel we decided it would be super cool to run our virtual race ON the actual course! I reached out to a friend of ours who is one of the key coordinators for the marathon and asked if running on the course was even possible. He not only said yes, but he also offered one "non-qualifying" slot for the race. Since I had conned convinced my friend to register for the virtual I graciously let Dwayne take advantage of the actual race entry. And then we starting making our plans to go to Boston!

The following month I (shockingly) completed IMChoo 70.3. (Side note: I just realized that I never completed my in depth race recap but instead stopped with the bike portion of the race...I'll have to go back to that at some point but the reason I didn't complete that recap is similar to why I've had such a hard time completing this one...)

After registering for the Virtual Boston Marathon, I joined a FaceBook group with other virtual participants and quickly realized I was in the minority regarding one fairly big "issue". 

I was unwilling to call myself a Boston Marathoner in any way. I wasn't going to say "I'm training to run the Boston Marathon". I also wouldn't buy any Boston Marathon gear, and certainly not a "celebration jacket". While others were excited to be participating in the "Boston Marathon" I refused to see it from that perspective. I was simply participating in a virtual marathon...granted I was going to run the actual course, but it still was NOT the same thing.

Boston IS exclusive. It's not a lottery system where you just apply to get a slot and they randomly draw names. You have to QUALIFY. And, in the last several years, just running a "qualifying time" hasn't been good enough to get a slot. Let's say they are letting in 50K runners to the event. They will open registration first for runners who bested their qualifying time by say 10 minutes. Then they will open if for runners who beat their time by say 5 minutes... If all the slots are filled then they shut down registration. So in order to really guarantee a slot, you would have to run MUCH faster than just a BQ time (or raise a lot of money for charity).

I like it that way. I think it makes Boston special. It gives marathoners something to strive for, something to work to acheive. It's not just random luck. You are either working hard to run and race fast, or you are working hard to raise a lot of money for a charity. There are, however, a lot of people who don't agree with that process. There were a lot of people on that group page that expressed a thought process completely opposite (basically anyone should get to run Boston). My thoughts put me in the minority (at least in relationship to the vocal people on that page). 

Training for me was not going as well as I wanted it to go. I had been battling low iron and switching thyroid meds around the time of my 70.3. Then, we got to go out to Colorado Springs in August/September for six weeks thanks to Dwayne's job. That was WONDERFUL but it also meant I was sort of starting from scratch with training since we'd be at altitude. I told my friend I wouldn't be able to keep up with her pace and that I would likely have to walk most of the distance. 

But then something wonderful happened. My training got solid at the end of that 6 weeks! I walk/ran 9.5 miles our final weekend there and then when we got back I did something I haven't done in like 6 years...I ran a solid 3.5 miles without walking!!!!

But...let's be clear, 9.5 miles of walk/running and 3.5 miles of solid running is NOT solid marathon training. But we got home about 2 weeks befor Boston Weekend. It was pretty much all I was going to get.

Let me just say if ANYONE ever asks me if they should try to complete a marathon with 9.5 miles as their longest run I will say no. At the same time, I've completed several marathons, 3 50Ks, 3 70.3s and 2 Ironmans. I do understand endurance events. And I do understand my body. I knew I could walk the 26.2 miles if I needed to and I knew I wasn't going to risk injury. So instead of backing out I set out to get my virtual medal on Saturday morning of Boston Weekend. (My friend had to back out of going for a number of reasons so it was just me and all the other virtual runners who were running the course on Saturday (I had a friend who came from North Carolina with a friend of hers but I figured they would be running much faster than I was going to be able to go so I didn't even try to stay with them).

The Boston course is point-to-point and pretty much downhill the whole way...except for the infamous "Newton Hills" that start about mile 19ish. Those hills culminate with "Heartbreak Hill". Even the downhill sections have little rollers along the way, but it's generally an easy downhill slope most of the way.

Just being out there was AMAZING! The people of Boston and the surrounding towns are unlike any I have experienced in big cities. They are warm and welcoming and just NICE. The race was celebrating it's 125th running!!! I think because of that people have embraced the race as part of their culture. Cars went out of their way to give runners room! People honked encouragement instead of irritation (you could tell because they would wave and smile or roll their windows down to cheer!).

The plan was that Dwayne would be my rolling aid station, leap frogging me along the way with water and Maurten gels. I starting getting nervous when I didn't see him at mile 2, then 3. But then about mile 4 I saw him! And then like clockwork about every 2-3 miles he was there! I saw maybe 100 other runners out there doing the same thing I was doing. And there were a few spectators out there watching their people, cheering us all on.

But, it never entered my mind that I was running "THE Boston Marathon"...I was running the Boston course...but not the actual marathon.

I was running MUCH stronger than I had any right to run. I finished MUCH stronger than I had any right to finish with a time of 5:47. That's my fastest marathon since having brain disease, on MUCH less training. I was depleted at the end but it was one of those moments that I was in shock at what I had just accomplished. 

But I didn't think for one second "I'm a Boston Marathoner"...I thought "I just ran 26.7 miles* on the Boston Marathon course and finished a virtual marathon. (When you run the actual course you get to run on the roads. As a person "just" running the course it was a longer distance between the start and finish lines-that shows the importance of running tangents!) I did immediately go buy a "celebration jacket" to celebrate what I had just accomplished but my intention was to have "Virtual Finisher" embroidered on it just so there was no confusion that I did not in fact run the actual Boston Marathon.

The following Monday Dwayne ran the actual race and, while he didn't meet his personal goal, he did well...and ended up spending about 90 minutes in medical afterward (depleted of electrolytes and a bit under-hydrated). He was a Boston Marathoner...I was not.

Following that amazing weekend there was a little "debate" on the FB group about this very sort of thing. People were calling themselves "Boston Marathoners" and wearing their jackets proudly. I (and a few other likeminded vocal individuals) countered that thought process. I basically said earlier in this post...Boston IS special. Boson finishers ARE special. We, as virtual finishers, aren't THAT. We are different. I made a post about it on the page, explaining why I was going to "alter" my jacket, expecting to be pounced on. 

Instead, an interesting thing happened. Some people agreed with me, but the ones who didn't (mostly) explained to me why they felt like I was wrong. To them Boston welcomed us in as part of the family. Moreover, they said, Boston is a spirit more than a race. Sure, in every previous year the only runners able to run the race were either fast or fundraisers, but this year the BAA opened it's doors and let in the "commoner". Me altering my jacket to specify "VIRTUAL FINISHER" was a way for me to segregate myself away from the "real" Boston finishers. To segregate myself was me saying I'm not good enough not them saying I wasn't welcome. 

I chewed on that for a while and then refocused on other things...life got busy and then I got Covid. I had a "mild" case but I was still in the bed for about a week. And then I had what the doctors think was either a kidney stone or an infection, or both. (I'm still dealing with this actually.)

Saturday I got a box from the BAA with my virtual medal and a post card... as I started to read the card I broke down into uncontrollable sobs...

Did you see that? 

"Dear Boston Marathoner"

I am part of the family. I'm not a step child. I'm not a third cousin. I'm not an interloper. In the eyes of the BAA, I'm a Boston Marathoner. They are the ones who get to decide; it's their race after all. Or is it? Maybe they recognize that this race is bigger than any entity. Boston signifies the spirit of the marathoner: perseverance, dedication, endurance...

I am a Boston Marathoner. I will celebrate by wearing my jacket with pride!

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around!

Just Like Riding a Bike

There's a reason the saying goes "it's just like riding a bike". That expression implies that you already know everything there is about an activity and can pick up right where you left off even after a long time away from doing it.

I have been teaching Spin a long time (except for a short time I had to take off due to brain disease). When I trained for my 70.3 and 140.6 races, teaching Spin didn't count toward my bike training at all. It was more of a recovery effort. I would teach 5:30am Spin and then go do my long ride (up to about 112 miles or about 6 hours).

When I first signed up for IMChoo70.3 (like in September 2019) I had plans to actually TRAIN for the race. But then I didn't really ever get into training when COVID hit and I threw in the towel. Then in January-ish of this year when it seemed as though the race would happen, I was REALLY struggling to get started training.

I had an appointment with my neurologist where we actually discussed me doing a round of IV steroids again. I was having a flare of symptoms that really concerned me and steroids seemed to be the best answer. I decided to wait because I had changed my thyroid meds about a month before and the neurologist said it was a possibility that change sparked the apparent "flare". Just after that I got VERY serious with "clearing the muddy waters" of my diet. I did a Whole 30, and then partway through that 30 days I started eating Juice Plus+. 

To say I started feeling drastically better doesn't fully capture the transformation. I went from believing I might need another round of steroids to believing I might actually be able to finish the 70.3 (maybe not in the 8.5 hour time cutoff, but if I started early enough in the day I might at least not get pulled off the course-even if I ended up as an official DNF on the results). 

I felt confident leading up to race day I would have a decent swim because the current is so fast at that race. Having a decent swim would set me up to have "extra" time on the bike. I was confident if I made it off the bike within the time limit I could gut my way through 13.1 miles (again, even if it wasn't actually in the time allowed I believed I could finish it).

But, in my mind, the bike portion of the race was the make it or break it for my day. Spin class is about an hour long. I did the math before the race...if I rode at an average of about 14mph it would take me about 4 hours to finish the bike. Right at three hours longer than I was used to riding (because I'm sometimes on my bike for 75 minutes including pre-class ride time). FOUR times longer than my behind and legs were used to (and after swimming 1.4 miles*). 

I kept telling myself leading up to the race, "it's quite literally just like riding a bike".

I did not expect the swim to be quite so challenging. But when I got out of the water and got through T1 I was feeling SPUNKY! Dwayne, Cedric (husband and brother-in-law) and I all got to transition within seconds of each other but I was about 90-120 seconds faster getting out of transition. I was IN THE LEAD!!!! 🤣

I knew I wouldn't hold it for long, but it was glorious while it lasted! More importantly, I felt FANTASTIC. Except...there's always an "except" isn't there? I had a little annoying rub on the inside of my right thigh. My mind started racing "this is so stupid for you to be out here doing this...you are SO UNTRAINED...that rub is going to be a TERRIBLE chaffed spot, it's probably going to bleed...you are not going to be able to walk for a week-is this worth it". The barrage of thoughts were ENDLESS and UNRELENTING.

Until...I got to the first cemetary.

I remember when I did IMChoo '15. In training I passed that first cemetery and thought "I'm glad I'm on this side of the fence...keep riding". When Dwayne and I drove the course before his race the next year I told him that little mindset switch. When we drove the course the day before the race we talked about it again. When I saw that cemetery, the switch flipped and I was able to refocus on the spunk I was feeling.

The thing I LOVE about the IMChoo bike courses is the rolling hills (the 144.6* and the 70.5* courses are slightly different but mostly the same)! The ups aren't SO steep to be demoralizing and the downs aren't white-knuckle fast. It's a near-perfect mix. If you gear correctly you can really have a fast bike time. 

Hold on...I didn't talk about an important thing that happened!

Two weeks before the race we took our bikes to the shop to have them checked out, get our chains waxed, and just general pre-race tune-ups. (My good friend also let me borrow her -super fast-race wheels!) When we picked them up the day before we were leaving, the guy who worked on my bike told me he had fixed a little issue with the shifting.

Now, let me say...this "little issue" had been a THORN IN MY SIDE from when I first bought the bike. In middle gears it would shift on its own-either up or down! I had to actually hold pressure on the shifter in order to keep it from happening. Keep in mind, it's a TRI bike so to hold the shifters I have to be in aero. I had been on a hill a couple of times and had the chain pop off--not because of my own shifting but because the stupid bike would shift on it's own! I had taken it in no less than three times to have them FIX IT! Each time I was told it was fixed but it never was. I finally just told myself that's just the way it was going to be. Well, when we picked up the bikes, we didn't really have time for anything more than a little 20 minute ride to make sure everything was good to go. I was VERY nervous about this shifting issue because I had figured out how to cope with it the way it was. This "repair" might have made things worse! In that little ride it shifted VERY well, but I was still leary about it...until I realized partway through this race that it had not happened even one time!!

I can NOT describe the elation I felt!!! It was as if the angels in Heaven were singing the Hallalueigha chorus! ((For locals I'm talking about Tom at Bicycle Cove! He's a bike repair savant!!))

It wasn't long before Cedric passed me as if I were standing still...then not long after that my honey pot passed me. I figured I wouldn't see them the rest of the day.

But I was wrong. On one of the little hills I saw someone on the side of the road. Thanks to our very bright and unique kits I recognized it was Dwayne very quickly. As I rode by asking if he was okay he told me he popped a chain. A few minutes later, he passed me again. But not long after that I saw him a second time-same issue.

Not long after I passed him I realized we were not far from where our cheering squad would see us!! I could hear them before I could see them. I have to admit-I was feeling on top of the world knowing I was in front of Dwayne-even if it was a result of a mechanical issue, and even if I knew it was very short-lived.

Something happens inside of me when I hear friends and family cheering. It's like gasoline on a fire and wind at my back!

I actually don't remember if that was before or after the "hill". The half iron course turns left before the full course, cutting off two miles compared to the full course (the full bike course is actually 116 miles long instead of 112, making the race 144.6 instead of 140.6). Just before that left hand turn on both courses, there's a nice downhill section. When you make that left turn on the half course it IMMEDIATELY goes up a short but fairly steep hill. That combination makes for a TOUGH climb. I had read A LOT about that climb before the race. Because of how I was feeling on other climbs I decided before I got there I would just get off my bike and walk up rather than fighting to climb it on the bike. 

That would have been fine, but instead of executing my plan, I shifted as if I was going to climb it and tried (not for very long) to grind my way up. When I got off I was in good company. Most of the people with me did the same thing. Except this one KID. He looked like he might have been 16; he was riding a mountain bike and was not clipped in, and was wearing a MOHAWK helmet! Everyone cheered for him as he climbed that hill like it was nothing at all!

The cool thing about this climb is that it culminates at yet another cemetary!

"I'm glad I'm STILL on this side of the fence." ...and HALF WAY done!!

In my mind, right after the turn, I was going to be in Chickamauga. I was really looking forward to getting there because in the full that town is HOPPING! That's where special needs bags are and they bus spectators out to that spot and I think there's an aid station. In the full it feels like what I imagine the Tour de France must feel like! Not to mention my good friends (AKA Thunder and Lighting) live there. I knew it would be different for the half (no special needs bags and no buses of spectators) but I wasn't quite prepared for two things. 

First, it took FOREVER to get there after the turn. FOREVER. Second, it was pretty dead there compared to the full. And then I heard Thunder and Lighting yelling!! And then I saw my father, and step-mother-in-laws there holding my very own FAT HEAD!!

Gasoline on my fire and wind at my back.

Except the wind wasn't at my back and my tank was running on fumes at that point. And I REALLY had to use the bathroom!!

I slowed WAY down. Up until the left turn where you go up hill (the one I walked) I was averaging 15.9!! From the hill (after I got back on my bike) until Chickamauga I averaged 14.9. From Chickamauga until I stopped to use the bathroom I slowed down to 14. (To be fair, you go up a gradual hill pretty much that whole way, but it was also into a headwind....I got down to like 8mph!) When I stopped I was feeling totally depleted. I had NOT taken in enough calories...what I had decided to use was NOT going down well so I switched to Gatorade. It was the worse Gatorade I'd ever had. We decided afterward it had been leftover from the year before so it wasn't "fresh". I was a bit upset with myself for stopping, but it proved to be a VERY necessary stop indeed! I averaged 14.4 the rest of the time.

When I finally got back to transition I told the two volunteers at the dismount line I was going to sell my bike and I never wanted to see it again!!

Then I heard our cheer squad!! I reached down and took off my shoes incorrectly thinking it would help me move faster. It didn't. I got to my spot and racked my bike, slathered on some sunscreen, put on my running shoes, grabbed my hat and took off. Dwayne and Cedric were LONG gone but I'm proud to say I beat them both soundly with my speedy T2 time!!

And then I headed out on the "run", shocked at how good I actually felt overall. I expected to be completely stove up, but, other than expected fatigue, I felt surprisingly good all things considered!!

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around! 

(The bike photo is from the glory day of IMChoo '15 because I can't download the FinisherPix from this race yet...)

"Swimming"

I really love it when I connect with the song that is playing at the start or finish of my races. Sunday was no exception..."Best Day of My Life" was playing as we walked down to get into the water! When I jumped in I had to question the song choice....

That water was COLD. Cold enough it took my breath away for a second. Almost cold enough I contemplated, for a SPLIT SECOND, getting back out and just throwing in the towel. 

Thankfully that thought gave way to my mantra for the next almost hour..."I KNOW how to swim so just SWIM".

There was NO CURRENT Sunday morning. It could have been worse-we could have been going upstream. But on that day it would have been barely noticeable!

There was a gal back on shore when we were waiting in line who I formed an immediate crush on...she was tan, thin and cute and had a cute sleeveless wetsuit. She had a short sleeved tri top on that was super cute. I pegged her as a very fast triathlete just by her looks. Well, as I was "swimming" along I looked up and saw her hanging on a kayak. She didn't look in distress at all as I swam by her. A few minutes later, there she was again, hanging on another kayak just up ahead of me! I realized quickly we were leap-frogging each other...I saw her the ENTIRE SWIM, along with another guy who was just behind me who was doing a modified breast stroke the whole time.

It was funny because I've never looked around so much in a race. I get in and I SWIM. When I sight, I just sight, I don't look around. In Augusta when we did the relay I looked around some, but the relayers were the last in the water so there weren't many people around me in that swim. But Sunday I spent pretty much the whole swim looking around! It was as if I was just having a lazy day in the river instead of being at the start of a 70.3 "race". Because I spent at least 80% of my "swim" looking around I saw SO MANY people NOT swimming! It was shocking! I didn't see anyone who looked like they were in trouble but I had to wonder how many of them were like me (very comfortable in the water, just not swimming) and how many were actually fearful and struggling.

I had estimated the swim would take about 45 minutes but I knew about halfway in I would never make that time. I based my minimum bike speed and run pace on that estimation, and I really felt like those times were probably all I had to give on the bike and run. As I watched the minutes tick by I had to throw out my plans for the day. What's that saying, "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face!"?

We were almost to the end and I heard my girl crush asking a kayaker how much farther until the end. So I told her, "we turn at that red buoy!" She said her goggles were so fogged she couldn't see the red buoy. I told her it was 10 of these concrete pillar things to our left, then around a corner and out. She said that was helpful and we both started swimming to our goal line. 

I never saw her again. She was probably really fast on the bike and the run!

When I got out of the water I looked up ahead and saw DWAYNE just seconds ahead of me so I took off running as fast as I could to catch him! About a minute after we got to our transition spot Cedric showed up! I was out in a very short amount of time but I knew it would be minutes before they would both pass me and I knew I would not see either of them until I crossed the finish line. 

I was right, and I was wrong.

Swim time: 59 minutes. It was the worst and the best swim I've done. Worst clock time but it was excellent people-watching!

Funny story...I found out later when I was talking to my new best friend/girl crush Dwayne heard my voice and spotted me chatting it up...he decided he was going to beat me out of the water and zoomed up ahead of me as fast as he could! (His time 58:27.)

Someone got video of me in the water! lol

Thanks for stopping by and sticking around!

Pre-race

I want to be clear here...this is a "do as I say not as I do" kind of post. It's almost embarrassing to put this out there as a coach, but it is what it is and the truth doesn't change just because you don't say it outloud.

I did NOT train for this race. I didn't honestly think I would do it until about 4 weeks ago. When we all signed up (my husband and his brother) it was my intention to train. I did a little bit but every time I really got into a groove I would be beaten down with autoimmune fatigue. That fatigue is unlike any other fatigue. It's bone-weary soul-crushing exhaustion that is all-encompassing (mental, emotional and physical). 

Then COVID postponed our race from last May until August. I never believed it was actually going to happen, and I was right. Then it was postponed until May. At the end of last year I had some "flares" of symptoms that actually had me talking to my neurologist about going on a round of IV steroids. We decided to wait because I had just switched thyroid hormone so maybe the symptoms were from that and not actually AE related.

My daughter and I were signed up for a trail race in February, but we planned from the start to hike it so I didn't train for that. And then there was McKay Hollow in March. I thought I had PLENTY of time for that one, but then realized the day before the race that the first cutoff might be tight for me to make...I did it but it was about a 20 minute pace. I knew I wouldn't have that kind of time at the 70.3.

Then in mid April I started eating Juice Plus. I had heard all kinds of success stories from several people saying they gained all this wonderful energy from it...and that was certainly my experience. But I knew I didn't have time to train, so I just kept doing what I had been doing: running/walking sporadically, "swimming" a few yards once or twice a week, and teaching Spin classes 2-3 times a week.

My plan for the race was to start and see what happened.

I don't remember EVER being that nervous before a race. But I've never been THAT undertrained, especially not for that kind of distance. I was so glad to have friends and family there to encourage me. 

We got to Chattanooga on Friday, got checked in at the race, spent some money in Athlete Village, got checked in to our AirBnB, and went to dinner. Saturday we spent some more money at Athlete Village, got our bikes checked in and then drove the course. I truly felt sick to my stomach. I didn't remember the course being THAT hilly when I did the full in 2015 (or in any of the training rides I had done there leading up to that race). My one saving grace was that I was certain the river current would make my swim super fast which would give me more time on the bike course. If I made it off the bike course within the cutoff I had calculated I would need to have about a 15 minute pace on the run to make the final cutoff. 

I got to bed fairly early that night and then woke up bright and early race morning. We all ate and packed up our bags and headed to transition to get set up. Because they had dynamic bib assignment this year we were able to be together-that was a real treat! We laid out our stuff, pumped our tires, visited the portapotties and started the 1.75 mile walk to the start line. It was super organized leaving transition-they had pace sign holders/escorts that walked the various groups down to the start...and then at the start it was PURE CHAOS!!!! It took an hour from the actual start for us to get in the water-and there were A LOT of people behind us!

Walking out to where we jumped in the water the only thing I was anxious about was the water temperature. I wasn't wearing a wetsuit (only my "floaty pants"-wetsuit shorts) because mine doesn't fit, I didn't want to buy or borrow one and I was convinced it wouldn't make that big of a difference.

I just kept telling myself "just start, give your best effort, and see what happens"....and then I jumped in....

I'll write up more race details later but I figured I'd post my Strava data for what it's worth. When I say I didn't train...I mean I REALLY didn't train...

My swim data:

My bike data:

My run data: 

((The last time I rode my real bike on the road was September 13th of 2019! Well...I did ride for 20 minutes Thursday before the race because we had just picked up the bike from the shop and needed to make sure everything was working well!))

If you are an athlete...re-read the first sentence of my post...do as I SAY not as I DO! (And, for the record, I will NOT be doing it like THAT every again!)

Thanks for stopping by and sticking around!

What Just Happened

 I remember my first and only real car wreck. I was taking my kids to see Pocahontas. It was a Monday. We'd all been in a bit of a funk all day. My husband had gone to work at the Sherrif's department (as a dispatcher). We got to the end of our road and my not-quite 3 year old son told me to turn left! Grandma's house was left, the movie theater was right. I remember being in shock that he knew "left". I told him we were turning right to go to the movies. As we were driving it started to rain, REALLY HARD. The road went down a hill and curved to the right, but my car wasn't turning to the right...we were going basically straight...and headed straight toward an 18 wheeler coming the opposite direction! I remember saying "oh no oh no oh no" and then CRASH. That was 26 years ago. I can still hardly believe it happened the way it did.

I think Sunday's race will be like that for me as well.

If you had asked me a couple of months ago if I was going to toe the start line I would have told you I didn't think I would. I have been battling exhaustion and NO POWER. At that time I hadn't been able to swim more than 1000 yards, all with fins, broken up into 50 or 100 yard intervals and all of them VERY slow. I haven't been on my real bike AT ALL in I don't even know how long. (I just looked at my data-it was March 3rd and it was a 45 minute trainer ride.) I had not been running much at all, and no more than a few miles at at time (walk/run). If I were coaching me I would have told me it wasn't a good idea for me to attempt at 70.3 with my lack of training and preparation. 

But I knew I wouldn't push to the point of risking injury. I believed the worst that could happen would be a DNF. That would be bad, but maybe not as bad as the feeling of giving up on myself before I even started! A couple of months ago I wasn't sure.

But then in the middle of March I started eating Juice Plus. After about a week I seemed to have AMAZING energy. I didn't capitalize on that energy for training because I still wasn't sure I would attempt the race I had signed up for about 18 months ago. I used that newfound energy to work in my yard every day, still not knowing if I would toe the line. 

I noticed that my swims got a little better, my runs got a little better and my Spin class power got a little (or a lot) better, but I didn't have time to "train" so I still wasn't sure if I would attempt the race. I've never experienced a DNF but I've seen what it has done to friends. At the same time, it's not like I had been giving all I have to training so if I didn't finish then I would say "well, of course I didn't finish...that's what happens when you don't train!"

So I pulled the trigger and put it out there that I was absolutely going to at least start the race and see what happened. I don't remember ever being THAT nervous before a race. It wasn't so much that I wouldn't finish...I was afraid that I would get hurt. More than that I was afraid that I would give up. But I wouldn't know unless I tried.

I was incredibly thankful to have friends and family with me for the whole thing-pre-race, race day and afterward. I was just as thankful for all the friends and family who wished me well on Facebook and via direct messages.

I'm still processing all that happened before and during the race, and working through all of it will take a little while (and several blog posts!) but, unlike the way I felt after my car wreck, I feel AMAZING today! Yesterday (the day after the race) I didn't even physically feel like I did a hard thing, other than 2 blisters on the bottom of my right foot. Today my shins are just a TAD sore.

Oh...and I can't even begin to process my brother-in-law finishing his first 70.3 in just over 7 hours on almost no training at all! (He's a BEAST on the bike but he had COVID several months ago and had some lingering cardiac symptoms from it. He had done two short practice swims in open water but this was his first triathlon. Did I mention he has really bad knees? And my husband was only about 2 minutes behind--and ran the last couple of miles at like a 9:00 pace! (He did train, but NOT the way I would have coached him!)

We all finished. I'm not in shock they finished. They are both VERY strong. Like I said, my BIL is a BEAST on the bike and my husband trained. I am in shock that I finished and within the cutoff time!

I'll break it all down in the coming days. Thanks for stopping in and sticking around!

Picking up Sticks

 I have never been someone who has had a really nice yard. In my previous two marriages my husband always took care of the yard. Our yards were fine enough, my last house with my second husband had the nicest yard. We had a lawn treatment service and a sprinkler system. All that really needed to be done was mowing, edging and trimming the bushes. When I married Dwayne he took care of the yard at first. But then I made a mistake...I made a case for quitting my job to be a "household engineer" (everyone is some kind of engineer in Huntsville!). I told him I would mow the lawn (among other household jobs) so that his weekends would be freer in the summer. That lasted a few years actually. He remembers it very differently but I vividly remember listening to The Marathon Show and I'm Here to Win by Chris McCormack while mowing. 

I can't tell you why I stopped. Maybe it was when I started coaching a lot of adults and my kids' team. I just didn't have the time or energy to get it done. Dwayne hired a guy to mow for us. Throughout all this time we had a lawn treatment service but no sprinkler system.

Our yard just continually got uglier and uglier. We had three trees in the backyard and one in the front that just got bigger and biggeer-shading the grass. We cut one of the trees in the backyard down because it wasn't growing well. One of the other two was a River Birch. It was a beautiful tree, but, unbeknownst to us it was leaching all the nutrients out of the ground making the dirt HIGHLY acidic. Last spring we had a long discussion about whether or not to cut the tree down or keep it and try to figure out how to make the grass grow. We decided to keep it and put the work in...and, no kidding, that very weekend the TREE BLEW DOWN in a storm! (You can see how the yard under it was all DIRT!)

Well....since then I have been trying VERY hard to make our yard look better. I added some natural rock edging to make flower beds, I've planted A LOT of flowers and plants, we limed the yard to bring the Ph to where it needed to be and I put out some grass seed. The yard has REALLY come A LONG way....and it still has a LONG way to go before I will be willing to call it a "nice yard".

I have no idea what kind of tree the only remaining one is in our backyard, but it's really pretty. We limbed it up so that most of the grass does at least get some sun throughout the day. I made a big rock circle around the base. I added a bird feeder and birdbath and planted Ajuga. It's one of my favorite things about my backyard now.

Except...

That tree really drops a lot of little limbs any time the wind blows. Combined with the Crepe Myrtles that line the back fence, we end up with A LOT of little sticks all over the yard.

I didn't seem to notice or mind when I didn't really care what the yard looked like, but now that I do, these sticks are the bane of my aspiring gardening existence. 

Last spring, when I realized the sticks were an issue, I asked Dwayne not to mow until I picked them up. He didn't wait. We ended up with A TON of chopped up sticks ALL OVER THE YARD! They weren't small enough to "feed" the yard (maybe that's not even a thing?), but they were barely big enough to pick up! I walked the yard in a grid pattern with a bucket for HOURS trying to get them all up....believing this was crucial to the health of my yard.

Here's what I noticed. When I started, I picked up the big sticks and barely noticed the really small ones. But as the larger ones were collected the little ones seemed to "grow" so I'd go back over the yard again, picking those up. But as I did this I began to notice the tiny little twigs that I had not seen before...and as I picked up those twigs then I noticed the weeds! As I have started dealing with the weeds I have begun to also focus on overseeding and feeding the grass...learning how to water it and cut it properly.

I think back to those years when we first lived here...I had NO IDEA the River Birch was actually causing harm to the health of the dirt. I NEVER paid attention to those sticks (that were being copped up by the mower and probably causing additional "damage"). I never even thought about watering the yard, or how to mow it properly. 

Let me tell you...taking care of our bodies is just the same. Most people have little habits that are at best not optimal but at worst they are causing unseen damage that eventually is not only seen but felt! When you feel unhealthy (from chronic issues, I don't mean from something like a stomach bug) it won't be a quick fix to reverse the process and "get healthy". It will be much like "picking up sticks".

If you are having an issue with your yard, I can't really help with that because I'm a true beginner and I don't plan to do a deep dive into learning all the things I would need to know in order to help someone else have a nice-looking yard. But if you are noticing some "sticks in your yard" when it comes to how you are feeling, reach out to me. I have spent the last year becoming a Nutrition Coach and a Functional Nutrition Counselor. I'm still learning. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a nutritionist or registered dietician, but I can help you "pick up sticks" and move you in the right direction.

Thanks for stopping by and sticking around (no pun intended!)

Chapter Five Academy

Sixteen years ago I was out of shape, in a "bad marriage", working a very high-stress job, and although I didn't realize it I was physically, mentally and spiritually unhealthy.

Let me back WAY up. Stay with me here....

My parents got divorced when I was very young. My biological father was an electrician who worked out of state...in any state but the one we lived in. When he was home, he and my mom argued...angrily, loudly and non-stop. They got divorced when I was in kindergarten. We moved from Garland, Texas to North Little Rock, Arkansas. My mom started dating a man who I called my father after they got married a few years later. I'll skip the details of my childhood story. I mean, an evil witch didn't send me into the woods, put me to sleep, or feed me a poisoned apple, but suffice it to say it was the worst part of my fairy tale...

I had TERRIBLE stomach issues. In the third grade I was put on a special diet. The main thing I remember is that I wasn't allowed to drink milk and I couldn't eat my usual bologna and cheese (food) sandwich. I was also a bedwetter. I would have thought it was caused by a physical issue, but it finally stopped when I wet the bed of a friend I had spent the night with! I was MORTIFIED...and I tried, in vain, to lie saying she did it. I'm sure she told everyone in school. Thankfully she moved away and, that I know of, that reputation didn't follow me.

My "father" prevented me from having any semblance of a "normal" youth experience so making friends was exceptionally hard. And, although I was smart, I wasn't part of the really smart crowd. I dated a few guys in high school and had a few "friends" but I was more or less, for all intents and purposes, alone.

I joined the Army National Guard as a senior in high school. Both of my parents were in the Guard (my mom was a Warrant Officer and my "dad" was a Command Sargent Major), so that path seemed natural. A couple of years later I met my first husband. He was (is) a big man...a big teddy bear who loved me fiercely. We didn't know each other long but I saw him as a protector and a way out of a very bad situation at home. We got married and the stomach issues from years before came crashing back. I did every test the doctors could think of. I took several kinds of medicine. Nothing worked to calm the debilitating pain I experienced daily....until I met a doctor who explained to me my issue was stress-related. I tried to tell him I was not a stressed individual. I was handling my life "just fine thank you very much". 

After all I was going to school full time with a really good GPA. I was in Officer Candidate School. I was newly married. And I was working full time. ...all withOUT being stressed about any of it. I can still hear him calmly telling me my body was trying to tell me how stressed I really was. I did try to listen but I simply didn't know what to DO with that information. How could I fight this invisible stress monster? 

Well...I started by ending my military "career", finishing school, having two kids, moving out to the country, getting divorced and taking a job I really didn't want but paid the bills. Along the way, I started what would be a lifetime of therapy trying to undo the knots of my existence. Shortly after ending my first marriage, I started my second one. 

Here's the thing, when someone says a marriage is bad what they really mean is the people in the marriage are unhealthy. Don't pounce on me here, but even if one spouse is abusive, the abused spouse is obviously NOT healthy or they wouldn't be in that relationship in the first place! My marriage wasn't abusive, but it was far from healthy because neither of us were healthy individuals. In 2006 that marriage ended.

Allow me to take an important side trail for a moment. When I was little my parents took me to church on the requisite holidays-Easter and Christmas. When my mom remarried, my step-sister took me to church with her almost every week. It was a "walk the aisle now and be washed in the holy water so you don't go to hell" kind of church. Naturally, I walked the aisle...but I realized the next morning I was still in hell. That water didn't do anything for me. Some very life-changing experiences pointed me to the God I would eventually come to know but that relationship started out more like an awkward blind date that didn't gain any traction for years to come. When I got married I wanted us to "have a church family" but the truth is I had no idea what "family" was even supposed to look like, and church was not the place to find out! When I married my second husband we settled into a routine that involved going to "God's house" every week but He was never fully invited into ours...

...until the night I came home to a half empty shell. I had taken my kids to their dads for the weekend and on the way home it started snowing. My husband had texted me several days earlier (on Valentine's Day no less) to tell me he was leaving. While I was at work and dropping off the kids he was dividing our property.

That is the night I finally surrendered my life to my creator. I've spent the last 15 years laying my burdens at the foot of the cross (and taking them back up...and laying them back down...depending on how strong I'm feeling at any given moment!).

God has led me to the healthiest relationships I've ever had in my life (including a wonderful Prince Charming of a husband!)...this has happened because I've continued to become a healthy individual...in mind, body and spirt.

But, as I have been reading in "The Body Keeps the Score" (written by Bessel van der Kolk), childhood trauma (or big-T Trauma) stays in your body and wreaks havoc. Combine that with years of a Standard American Diet and you have a recipe for all kinds of gut/brain/body malfunction.

My personal malfunction came to a massive exploding head in 2016 when I was diagnosed with Autoimmune Encephalopathy. I had previously been diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (autoimmune thyroid disease). It seemed my body was now attacking my brain!

I had spent the seven years prior to that horrible disease and crushing diagnosis trying to figure out why my body would want to attack itself. Doctors kept telling me "it just happens" but that didn't make sense in my world. I went back and forth between "wanting to take control" of my health and believing there was nothing I could do about it. Through this process, I was introduced to triathlon and to Functional Nutrition. I became an Ironman triathlete, an ultramarathoner, a triathlon coach, started a kids triathlon non-profit (Omni Kids Tri), and (when the disease and it's treatment coupled with Covid took the fullness of all of that away from me) I became a nutrition coach.

One more little side trail and we'll come full circle to the title of this post!

I remember when I started coaching. I had just discovered triathlon and was loving it. I "knew" there was no way I could coach THREE sports I barely knew myself so I took the RRCA run coaching certification course (actually after taking on two paying clients, but they knew I wasn't a "real coach" yet...actually they knew I was a real coach but I didn't feel like I was because I didn't have that piece of paper to confirm it yet!). With just a little encouragement I realized it was silly to think I couldn't do what I felt called to do and quickly obtained my USA Triathlon Level One and Youth Junior certifications.

This same kind of thing happened last year when I got my Precision Nutrition Level One nutrition coaching certification. What I really wanted was to be a Functional Nutrition Counselor but felt like that was too big of a leap...until the distance between where I was and where I wanted to be was made shorter by the stepping stone of the PN course!

And...here we are...why I started this post!! If you are still with me I hope the ride was worth it...

Last year when I started the Functional Nutrition Alliance Full Body Systems course I spent days praying and searching for the perfect name for my new business that had not yet taken shape. I REALLY wanted to call it Sophrosyne but my trusted confidants STRONGLY advised against it.

And then God led me to "Autobioghray in Five Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson. 

It's taken me a year to get more comfortable on this "other street" (and truth be told, I'm still "getting comfortable"- I think that will be the continuing story of my life!)...but I'm ready to coach you whenever you are ready....in running, in triathlon, in nutrition, or in functional nutrition. I'm not the author of your script, but I want to come alongside of you to help you continue your story.

Let's connect! You can reach out to me in the comments, or via Facebook. I want to hear from you. Thanks for stopping by and for sticking around! 

Prudently Optimistic

I recently started "eating" Juice Plus capsules. I say "eating" instead of "taking" because Juice Plus is JUST FOOD, it's not a supplement. By eating their four types of capsules I am getting over 30 fruits, veggies, berries, and five types of omegas!

I was cautiously optimistic when I started them (two weeks ago Saturday). I eat a fairly clean whole food diet (VERY clean/whole since the beginning of February), I exercise more than the "average" American (the average adult only gets an average of a paltry 17 minutes a day!), I have added yoga and meditation...and in the last few weeks I added in gardening!!! (Did you know, according to a recent study, "gardening every day has the same positive impact on wellbeing than undertaking regular, vigorous exercise like cycling or running"? So, I figured eating Juice Plus would go in the "won't hurt me" category instead of the "helps me enough to see a difference" category!

But then yesterday I had the best run I've had in a LONG TIME!! I could point to the gardening as the difference-maker, but I did garden last summer and didn't notice any improvement...so...I mean, I think it has to be attributed to Juice Plus.

So why am I "purdently" optimistic instead of simply shouting from the rooftop that everyone everywhere should be eating Juice Plus? ...because I have had some sporadically good runs in the last 5 years. But they typically aren't sustainable and they don't build on each other. Yesterday I had that great run* and then had a great Spin class** and then I swam this morning better than I have in a while***.

To be clear:

* my great run was great because I was able to hit some speeds (in one minute and :30 intervals) that I haven't seen in a LONG LONG time. I set out to (walk/)run for 30 minutes because I knew I was teaching Spin soon after running.

**when I teach Spin most of the time I don't fully "do" the class I'm teaching. I have to focus on the class I'm GIVING so I don't get to TAKE the class. But there have been times (in Zone 2 type classes) that I can actually do the class while I'm teaching it. Yesterday I took the class into Zone 3 and I went there with them, and it felt good not just in the moment but I continued to feel good the rest of the day!

***my "better" swim just means I swam a TINY bit longer for each interval. I went from swimming 50s to 200s!! Now, it was still WAY harder than it "should" have been but it's progress!!

Here's another MAIN factor-my iron is currently VERY low. I've been taking iron but my numbers have actually just gone down. I will receive an infusion "soon" (not soon enough) but, to me, that makes yesterday's run all the more impressive!

Let me just say, I am a believer in Juice Plus-it's JUST FOOD, it bridges the gap between what you DO eat and what you SHOULD eat. If you know me personally chances are VERY HIGH I will be talking to you about it at some point. Yes...I get a "commission" from selling it to you. But, let me be clear--I have "sold" a lot of direct-marketing/word-of-mouth products in my life. There's only been one product that I've had this kind of belief in before, but I just couldn't get past the icky feeling of "selling" something to my friends/family/contacts. This feels very different. I believe Juice Plus just make sense-it's JUST FOOD...nutrients from real food. Your body knows what to do with food. To buy all 4 capsules and take them as recommended you are spending less per day than a fancy coffee, AND you can give free product to a child! You'd NEVER be able to buy all the food it would take to get the nutrition you'll get by eating the capsules for that amount of money. Even growing your own food is likely going to cost more...

...and I haven't even begun to talk about the other thing I was introduced to that is part of Juice Plus...

TOWER GARDEN!!!

...next time...

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around! Make it a great day!

:D