I Believe, Help My Unbelief

Most of you who know me in person know that I am "in recovery/remission" from Autoimmune Encephalopathy (basically autoimmune brain disease-my body attacked my brain). When I look back I think there were some signs of symptoms for a while before it really blew up in the late fall of 2015.

I was treated with high-dose IV steroids for a little over a year. With autoimmune conditions they don't ever say you're "cured" because there isn't a cure. They treat symptoms. Sometimes that treatment is a burst of treatment until the symptoms are under control and then you just wait for a "flare" to happen (or not). Sometimes people have to stay on immunosuppressants long term to keep their immune system "under control". Either way traditional western medicine doctors pretty much say "we don't know what causes the body to attack itself...let us know when you flare and we'll treat again".

I did not like that answer. Both the disease and the treatment really ravaged my body. I lost tons of hair, I gained A LOT of weight (that I'm still trying to lose), and I lost all my fitness (that I'm still trying to regain).

I dove deep into the world of Functional Nutrition to search for answers. (As deep as my mind and my time allowed.)

One thing that most (if not all) Functional Nutrition Practitioners agree on is that most (if not all) disease starts in the gut. Sure, there is a genetic component and a (HUGE) stress component, but those can be mitigated or inflamed by what we put into our bodies. I believe this wholeheartedly.

And yet...I am STRUGGLING mightily with my diet right now. When I get stressed I just want to eat all the food that I "know" is not best for my body.

But here's the thing--I KNOW it when I stop eating these foods and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I "know" it when I'm wanting those foods and I decide that maybe I'm wrong and what I think I "know" is really probably not true.

Let me say that again...when I'm not eating gluten, dairy, and sugar and when I am eating a WFPB (whole food plant based) diet I feel SO MUCH BETTER. My mood is good. I'm not anxious. I sleep well. My skin looks good. I have energy. I am more adaptable to change. I think more clearly. My body feels better. I have much better workouts. My resting heart rate is lower. My stomach isn't bloated and distended. I don't have sinus issues, headaches or body/joint aches. I recover faster.

When I am eating gluten, dairy, and sugar my joints get swollen. I suffer from tendonitis. I ache. My anxiety ramps WAY up. I have a hairpin anger trigger. I cuss uncontrollably. I'm EXHAUSTED and I can't sleep. I'm VERY IRRITABLE. My resting heart rate is 10-20 beats higher. I feel sluggish. My workouts suffer (or I don't work out at all). My skin gets super dry. My hair falls out. I have TERRIBLE headaches. My eyesight suffers. Maybe worst of all my brain doesn't function as well. And I'm TERRIFIED I will end up like I was in 2015/2016--with an almost non-functioning brain.

You might be asking "then why would you ever eat gluten, dairy, and sugar"? Uhm...have you TASTED gluten, dairy, and sugar? To be clear, they typically all go hand-in-hand. The absolute WORST thing for me to eat is pizza followed by something sugary, washed down with some kind of alcohol. But when I get stressed out that's exactly what I WANT.

To make it worse my husband LOVES these things and he is all about giving me what I WANT. We have had MANY a discussion over this very topic. I think I'd love nothing more than for him to be a health nut who would say "no, we are not going to get pizza...we are going to roast some yummy veggies instead and then we are going to go for a walk". Instead he says "what do you want" and when I say "pizza" he says "okay". Sometimes when I say "let's get a rotisserie chicken and veggies" he'll say okay, oftentimes he says "okay you can get that, I'm going to get a pizza".

Don't get me wrong...I am NOT blaming him. My desire for these foods is STRONG when I'm stressed. Or maybe when I'm eating these foods I get stressed more easily and that makes me crave these foods more. Either way the outcome is a downward spiral.

If you know me you know I'm always doing something...at least I was pre-covid. In my normal life I direct several kids races through the summer, I train kids and adults in triathlon and running, I train (at least I try to...it's been so long since I really trained I don't know if I can still claim it!), I am constantly learning something, I teach Spin at the Y, I have friends I try to stay connected with, and my husband and I direct the Rocket City Marathon...a race we have been trying to grow so we put A LOT of time and effort into it. Then Covid happened. I know it's been a major disruptor for everyone. Because of Covid the stresses of directing the marathon grew exponentially for a lot of reasons I won't bore you with. But I mention it because the race is in exactly ONE WEEK.

To say my stress level is high is like saying the universe is big. To make matters worse because I'm so busy I end up "forgetting" to eat which then causes me to crave all the worst foods (no one craves broccoli when they are super hungry!). To make things even worse I don't have a ton of time to cook well so we end up "just grabbing something" more often than not (there are no fast food health restaurants).

I think they say the first step in breaking a bad habit (addiction) is to admit there's a problem.

I have a problem.

Before you suggest it, I have actually been to an Overeaters Annonymous meeting (more than one actually) before. And maybe that's right where I belong. I'm not entirely sure. But if so, it's going to be very hard for me to work the steps living with another person who has the same eating habits I'm desperately trying to break. I don't think I would care quite as much if the only issue with eating unhealthy-for-me food is that it makes me gain weight. I think I could live with the extra pounds I have right now. I don't like it, but it's not the main reason I need to change what I'm putting into my body.

Allow me to reiterate: When I'm eating gluten, dairy and sugar my joints get swollen. I suffer from tendonitis. I ache. My anxiety ramps WAY up. I have a hairpin anger trigger. I cuss uncontrollably. I'm EXHAUSTED and I can't sleep. I'm VERY IRRITABLE. My resting heart rate is 10-20 beats higher. I feel sluggish. My workouts suffer (or I don't work out at all). My skin gets super dry. My hair falls out. I have TERRIBLE headaches. My eyesight suffers. Maybe worst of all my brain doesn't function as well. And I'm TERRIFIED I will end up like I was in 2015/2016--with an almost non-functioning brain.

I have decent resolve when I wake up in the morning with a food hangover. But by mid-morning I'm jonesing for pancakes and chocolate milk! (And I ain't talking about gluten free pancakes with fruit and chocolate almond milk!)

My husband and I have talked about "cleaning up our diet" after the race is over...but, well, that's just before Christmas so that's not the best time to give up all the yummy food we WANT, so we'll do it after the first of the year. But my whole thing is WHY WAIT? Why not now?

And, to be clear, for me it's not about "all things in moderation". It's really not. Even a little bit sets me off. I think it's very much like an alcoholic who simply can NOT drink even a drop. The difference is I still have to eat food to live. And it's really NOT easy to not eat gluten, dairy and sugar.

But somehow I have to.

Starting TODAY. This day. Right now.

I just have to make it happen. I truly WANT to feel better more than I WANT to eat gluten, dairy and sugar. At least that's how I feel in this moment.

It usually takes about 36 hours for me to start physically feeling better, and about 30 days for the cravings to subside and for my mindset to change. The hardest part will be the next 8 days. But I'm writing this and will make it public so that I can officially put my stake in the ground.

Several years ago my nephew, who I barely knew, overdosed on drugs and died. He used that night with his brother who lived. My other nephew, who I barely know, fought addiction for several more years but he has now turned his life around. I want to turn my life around.

I know it sounds like I'm being melodramatic but I'm really not...people with AE can have seizures, go into a coma and die. And I have been having flares lately. My hand shakes, my head shakes, I'm having some issues with thought processing, my anxiety has been off the charts, my head is pounding most of the time, my eyesight has been really bad, I have had terrible insomnia...these were all precursors to not being able to find my way out of my car and getting lost at the YMCA I had been going to for 5 years at the time. You might think I would have "turned my life around" when I was at that low point.

I started to say I didn't know it was my diet that caused the trouble. That would be a lie. I did "know" I just didn't KNOW. I didn't accept it. I didn't live it every day even when it was hard.

Most people can enjoy alcohol...true alcoholics can't.

Some addictions are more socially acceptable than others. Some are hidden; some are more outward-facing.

According to this article the five characteristics of addictive behavior are:

• An inability to stop
• Changes in mood, appetite, and sleep
• Continuing despite negative consequences
• Denial
• Engaging in risky behaviors
• Feeling preoccupied with the substance or behavior

I think those all fit. I don't think the Overeaters Anonymous definition fits. Just like everything else, I don't think I fit neatly into a mold. But I know I need to break the one I'm in.

Thanks for stopping by and sticking around.