Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Saying "I'm Good" and Meaning It While Battling Demons

A while back I had two solid weeks with no workouts at all except PT.   And, at the end of that time I still had hair (I didn't pull it all out).

I will say though, my attitude wasn't exactly where it needed to be the whole time and it's still not exactly where it needs to be.  I feel like I'm in a constant battle to stay positive.

Rather than trying to write all the "right" things...I think I'll take some time to give those "demons" in my mind a voice.  Fear is something that grows in darkness.  I'm going to shed some light on the thoughts I've been having and let the light of truth burn them up.  My hope is that you will get some benefit from this "excorcism" as well.

"You'll never be able to do triathlon again.  You can't even swim 100 yards without hurting.  How on earth do you expect you'll be able to finish even a sprint distance much less 2.4 MILES in an IronMan?  Are you insane?"

"And forget about running after you have doggy-paddled 2.4 miles and pedaled 112 miles....you hurt after 3 miles of walk/run as it is."

"There is something terribly wrong in that shoulder.  The doctors don't know what they are talking about.  It's not a pinched nerve...there's a terrible tear.  If you keep trying to train you're going to end up with an injury so bad you'll never be able to use your left arm again."

"...and so what if you are able to train to complete the distances...so what?  You know you want to compete not complete."

You know what?  The truth is all those thoughts swirling around don't mean anything.  Those thoughts have no power over me.  I can't think about what may or may not happen in the future.  Matthew 6:27 says, "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"  Worry does nothing for me at all.

The problem comes with trying to decide what to do TODAY.  I've been told to take it easy in training.  But "easy" for my doctors and "easy" for me are two different things.  The other day I taught spin and walk/ran for 3 miles and the doctor looked at me like I'd done an ultra Ironman.  Uh...no...that's easy.  I'm not supposed to do anything that hurts.  Well...that's plain crazy.  Training really does hurt sometimes.

....Okay...what would I tell my athletes.  First of all...I try to really listen to them.  When they complain (not "if" but "when"), I try to discern what's "pain" from injury vs. pain from training/overreaching (not over training-there's a difference).  This feels like pain from injury.  However, the doctors say it's "just" a pinched nerve.  They don't exactly know why it's pinched, or where, but they think it's in my neck and due to a bulging disk.  I will go see yet another doctor tomorrow to find out what they want to do about it (possibly a myelogram or a nerve block).

There I go again, thinking about tomorrow.  Even thinking about what to "do" today isn't the best approach.  It keeps me tangled up in a web of worry and anxiety, agonizing over what's best and what outcome each potential decision will bring.  (If I go ride my bike will it hurt worse?  Will I be doing more damage?  If I don't go ride will I be missing an opportunity to train, letting yet another day slip by...one day closer to my big race for the year?)

"...and who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?..."   All I can do is keep moving forward.  For right now, that forward movement will be on my bike.  It's a beautiful day; I don't want to let another moment go by without enjoying the sun.

Someone asked me today how I was doing.  I started to say "my shoulder hurts" but I decided it's just a shoulder and the truth is, "I'm good".

Thanks for stopping by.  Come again soon.  I promise to have something else to talk about!! :D

(Yes...I know I sound a bit like a broken record...)  You can buy this cool print HERE.

1 comment:

  1. Great description of the "demon voices." I was laughing out loud. Probably because I've heard the same ones. Most of us have. But, if you listen closely, you'll hear a distance roaring. No, its not a tornado bearing down on your house. Its the sound of people cheering for you! All your friends and family are lining the route. So, hang in there. You wanted a challenge, right?


Don't hold back, tell it like it is....