I Am Determined to Be Okay

...even if my health is not what I might want it to be.

A while back a friend told me I needed to get really mad. I need to rage against this thing. I needed to beat a punching bag and scream. But I've done a lot of that in my life. (Okay, I kind of did that very thing this morning...ask Dwayne.) But it doesn't do anything except cause pain. Getting mad doesn't make anything change. Being angry just keeps the hurt in and the change away. Raging against something doesn't make it different.

I really don't have to be mad to be determined.

I have waffled in my determination in this last year and a half. I have had many times that I have just been tired of trying. I have had times when I have just given in.

Those times don't last. They don't last because that is not who I am. I'm not a quitter. I have quit a lot of things in my life, but I am not a quitter. I don't give up. I don't give in. I don't back down. (At least not for long.)

Part of the issue for me is that when I renew my strong will, I can end up taking on too much at one time. I don't just vow to make small changes and build my way into strength. I don't just take small bites of the whale, I try to stuff that whole thing in my mouth at one time!!

That's not a bad thing unless I get choked and spit it all out.

Here's the thing...I can only do so much. I can only "control" so much. I can only work so hard. I realize everything is not up to me, but some things are. Many things are.

I'm at my heaviest weight. I've been here before, a few times actually. This is my "line in the sand", my "wake up call" weight. My "what are you doing" weight. My "things have to change" weight.

I want to be clear. It's not the number that really matters. It's what's behind that number FOR ME. For me this number means I have not been taking care of myself in the best way I know how. This number means I've stopped chewing the whale and spit it out. It means I've stopped trying. It's a symptom. It's a sign.

But it's not over until it's over.

I've been sort of waiting until I was done with steroids to get serious about trying to lose this extra weight. I didn't gain it all from the steroids, but about 15 pounds of the 20 I'm going to blame on steroids. Well, I'm done now. It's time to get back to eating that whale.

Again, the number on the scale is not the critical thing. The most important thing is what I'm doing to take care of myself: eating healthy food that fuels my body, moving my body, feeding my mind and my soul...and doing those things because I am worthy of health not because I'm wanting that number to change. Not even because I think doing those things will change what's happening in my brain/body. It's about doing those things because that's what I KNOW is the best for me. It's certainly NOT best for me to eat the amount of sugar I've eaten in the last week. It's not best for me to be sedentary. It's not best for me to wallow. It's not best for me to quit being determined.

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.

"Melinda Mae" by Shel Silverstein