Pain in the...Stomach

I was in third grade. I had such terrible stomach pain my mom took me to the doctor. He put me on a special diet. I remember having to take my lunch to school because I couldn't eat a lot of what they served in the cafeteria.

Fast forward many years. I was a newlywed (the first marriage). I was having HORRIBLE stomach issues. I went to several different doctors and had all kinds of tests done that all found nothing. I was given several medications to take, one of which caused me to have what I now recognize was a SEVERE panic attack. (At the time I thought I was having a heart attack.) I had resigned myself to having these terrible stomach issues until I had a chance encounter with a wonderful doctor who took the time to really talk to me.

I had gone with my husband to one of his doctor appointments. While there I mentioned my stomach pain (to my husband not the doctor). The doctor turned his attention to me and started asking me questions. Embarrassed I explained that I had already been given numerous tests that were all negative and I had been on various medications that didn't help. I was confident it was just going to be a fact of life for me that I had to get used to.

This sweet man asked me what my stress level was like. I laughed and told him I didn't get stressed. At. All. ...ever... He smiled knowingly and asked me to describe my life to him.

"Well, I am 21 years old. I'm in the Army National Guard; in Officer Candidate School. I just got married a few months ago and we moved into an apartment. I go to school full time with a Criminal Justice major with plans to go to Law School when I graduate. I also work full time."

I did not mention the traumatically horrible childhood I had just come out of.

from Precision Nutrition

He sat me down and explained to me that my inability to recognize all the stress I was under was causing it to manifest as stomach pain. I remember being utterly confused. I didn't FEEL stressed. At. All. ...ever. So how was I going to be able to recognize it and deal with it in a healthy way? He said one of the first steps I needed to take was to just look at my life and say "this is a stressful life".

But that felt like a failure to me. That felt like it would be a surrender to weakness. I saw myself as capable of handling anything life had to throw at me. And to handle it WELL. To say/think it was "stressful" might imply I couldn't handle it. I remember him holding an apple. He said something like "you being unwilling to call this an apple doesn't change the fact it's an apple". So I questioned him about what to do with that so-called stress since it wasn't going to change any time soon. He said the simple act of acknowledging it was a good first step. A good second step was to find a healthy outlet to relieve stress.

That second step has been an ongoing mission of mine for almost 30 years!

Everything I've EVER done to "relieve stress" has had the opportunity to become an additional stress.

Meditation...am I doing it right? What am I not doing that I should be doing right now? Why can't I stop thinking for just 15 minutes? Okay, 10 minutes? Even just ONE solid minute? What is that noise? Oh, great...now my nose is itching. (or my personal favorite) ...well, I just wasted X amount of time because I fell asleep! I didn't meditate AND I didn't get anything done!


Exercise...pushing myself to do more, do it better, track my progress, beat myself up

Reading...I don't think it counts as a stress reliever if you are reading a "self-help" book with the goal of improving your life. And it's not a stress reliever if you are simply escaping from life to avoid all the stress you are under.

Sleep...I KNOW I need sleep but I simply can't sleep so I will lay here telling myself it's time to go to sleep for hours if that's what it takes. Or rather than having good "sleep hygiene" I would "work" right up until I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer, and set my alarm for super early so I could get a head start on the day.

Movies, alcohol, food...(see above)

So, how does a person recognize stress and find healthy outlets?

I believe part of the answer for me is grace. Grace to not be perfect. Grace to not optimize every minute of every day. Grace to be less than what I "could be". Grace to say NO to things that I might really love to do, things that I might be able to be really good at. Grace to have margin in my life. Grace to not have all the answers. Grace to take some time out. Grace to be NOT have an end goal in mind with everything I tackle.

For some people it might mean cutting some things out of their life; toxic relationships, unsatisfying projects, self-harming actions (chronic over eating, chronic exercise, alcohol, various escape methods.

For some people it might mean adding some things in to their life: exercise, satisfying projects, healthy food, little breaks with seemingly frivolous "time sucks" that bring enjoyment.


The bottom line is that stress is a killer. Not acknowledging that killer doesn't make it any less deadly. In fact, I would argue that makes it more deadly.  But just recognizing and naming it doesn't change it.

What do you do to combat stress in your life? Tell it like it is in the comments below and
Make it a GREAT day!!

Riding the wave of a Tsunami

This pandemic has been HARD for me. Granted, it's not as hard as being on a ventilator and DYING. It hasn't been as hard for me as it has for someone who has lost their source of income, or for all the healthcare workers (like my paramedic daughter) who are on the front lines of this thing. I'm not a business owner who is trying to figure out how to stay afloat or figure out how to pay employees who are depending on me.

I am fortunate to be healthy and to have a husband who is still able to do his job and continue to bring home the same paycheck.

From Ctrl+Alt+Del

And...it's FREAKING HARD. I'm an extrovert who HATES to talk on the phone! I had gotten into a fairly nice routine of seeing a variety of friends throughout the week. That's gone. I thoroughly enjoy going for "coffee" at least twice a week (I don't really drink coffee but I like the atmosphere of coffee shops). That's gone. I enjoy going OUT to lunch or dinner a couple of times a week. It's not necessarily the food--it's the place and the people. That's gone. I was supposed to be planning for several kids races I was supposed to direct...three of the four have been canceled already. They are gone. (The fourth is mid-August. I want to believe I can safely plan for that one, but I'm not going to even start thinking about it until May.) I was supposed to be starting spring kids triathlon training this coming Monday. That's gone. My friend's son (who survived leukemia as a baby, graft versus host disease following a stem cell transplant as a child, and pneumonia as a teenager) was supposed to graduate high school in May and we were going to celebrate. That's gone. We just invested a sizeable amount of money that was going to be for retirement...that is not gone but it sure has lost A LOT of value at the moment.

I feel like this poor child.

And I know I'm not alone. MANY people in the world are in shock and many are actively grieving their losses. Some are actively trying to avoid the emotions that are popping up....using various coping mechanisms--food, alcohol, work. The main issue with being hyper-aware of your emotions is not being able to escape from them when they hurt.

Sure, I get that there are "ways around" the "issues"...but that doesn't actually change the emotions. At least not immediately.

From this post

Have you ever thrown away something stinky and forgotten to take the trash out? (Maybe it's just me.....) If you have you know what happens in the morning....you wake up and realize immediately what happened...that smell permeates the house. You rush to do what you should have done the day before-take that stinky bag out-but it's too late. That smell is in the house now. It takes fresh air AND TIME to dissipate. 

But imagine if you can't take that trash out....and your windows are locked. That's how I've been feeling. Trapped. 

~~~

I remember one time when I was a little girl I was throwing a fit in the hallway of my grandmother's house. I was laying on the floor on my stomach, pounding my fists and kicking and screaming. (Who knows why?!) I remember someone (probably my Aunt Carole) stepping over me to get to the bathroom. I remember thinking "don't you even see me? Don't you even care that my world is obviously ENDING?!"

Fast forward several years. I was probably in the 6th or 7th grade. I had spent the day rearranging my room. It was drastically different. I went crying (SOBBING) to my mother...completely DISTRAUGHT over the fact it was so different. She said, "if you don't like it, just change it back to the way it was." But I didn't want to change it, I liked the new way. I was just REALLY SAD that it was different.

Fast forward many years....I was in this conference type thing meant to basically help you "find yourself". They put us through this "Lifeboat exercise". (Let me pause here to say, if you had not figured it out already I'm HIGHLY suggestible and very susceptible to hypnosis.) They had us close our eyes and "set the scene"...we were on a plane headed to vacation. We were happy and content, relaxed. All of a sudden we hit turbulence and the plane was going down. There was only one life raft so only 6 people were going to make it. We had to get up and "make our case" why we should be on the life raft.

I was SOBBING uncontrollably. Truly hysterical. The woman next to me was holding me and telling me it was going to be okay. When it was my turn I got up and simply said: "please tell my kids I love them". 

~~~

I have HUGE emotional reactions. I used to try very hard to control those reactions but I discovered that was like trying to push an inflated beach ball under the water. If it's a little emotion and the environment is calm that's doable for a while. But if the emotion is big and/or the environment is turbulent, or if the "pushing under" is "required" for too long it's impossible.

I have friends who have said they are enjoying this downtime. They are making good use of the "break".

I'm not there. 

Yet.

I think I'll get there. It's just going to take some time for these emotions to settle down. Dwayne likes to say my emotions are like a tsunami. Writing this has caused me to look at that analogy a bit deeper.  Webster defines tsunami as: But

a great sea wave produced especially by submarine earth movement or volcanic eruption

But Google also has this definition:

an arrival or occurrence of something in overwhelming quantities or amounts

I found out doing this research you can't ride the wave of a tsunami because it doesn't have a "face" (a flat part for the board to connect with). It also doesn't break. This point is particularly interesting. In a normal wave of water, it reaches a maximum height at which time the crest actually overturns (breaks). There are several types of waves, but a tsunami isn't "a wave", it's a series of waves that are known as a "wave train". They are usually started by an underwater earthquake, landslide or volcanic eruption. They can be up to 60 MILES long...so the wave pushes forward like a train without stopping for up to SIXTY MILES and can be up to an hour apart.


So, yes, sometimes my emotions ARE very much like a tsunami...and this time it's a BIG one.

I'll write more about my "lifeboat" experience later. It relates. In the meantime, I'm going to take thihs wave train of emotion and go work out. Then I'm going to take a picnic lunch over to Dwayne so we can have lunch together and I can enjoy this crisp weather we are having.

Remember...WASH YOUR HANDS and DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE!!

Doing the Thing

Not really doing Whole30...

A few years ago when I did the Whole30 I started getting the emails from Whole30. About half the time I read them (okay, maybe 1% of the time I read them, about 5% of the time I skim them, 90% of the time I save them "for later" and the other 4% of the time I trash them...but who's counting)!

The other day I saw a podcast Melissa did with James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits. I have heard of the book but haven't cared too much about adding it to the LONG list of books I'd like to read but just don't ever get to. But, I've been talking a lot in Spin class about resolutions (...a DECISION to do something*), solutions (HOW you are going to do it), plans (the actionable steps) and goals (how you know you have achieved the thing you want to do). So I decided to give it a listen...and it was AMAZING. I loved the podcast so much I've been listening to other "Do the Thing" podcasts.

Two of the biggest things I got out of the podcast were 1) casting votes and 2) stop optimizing.

In order to dive into those thoughts, let me share with you my goals and resolutions for the New Year:

So many memes on healthy eating...

1) Resolution one: I am going to be more intentional about eating more healthy. The optimizer in me
gets REALLY stressed out about this because what does "more healthy" even mean? Depending on who you listen to that might mean eat more, or less; eat more carbs, less carbs; go plant based...etc. Additionally I've had some recent tests done that show SIBO (small intestine bacterial overgrowth) and what healing from that looks like is a little fuzzy. The path toward healing from that is VERY unclear to me. The optimizer in me gets VERY stressed out looking for the "perfect" solution. The optimizer in me ends up not making a decision on what path I will take because that part of me gets so hung up on what path I should take I end up saying "screw it" and eating pizza (THE WORST POSSIBLE FOOD FOR MY BODY when it's the best possible version for my taste buds).

Casting a vote for "being a person who eats more healthy" means that more often than not I will make conscious decisions regarding what I'm putting into my mouth. I will (more often than not) know why I'm eating what I'm eating and eating it because I believe in that moment it's a healthy choice. Now, that doesn't mean I won't eat pizza...it might mean that I limit gluten and dairy filled pizza to VERY RARE occasions. I might mean that I sub out regular crust for a gluten free crust and sub out real cheese for vegan cheese. But it won't mean that I will never eat pizza again. I'll also eat donuts and have popcorn at the movies. I have come to believe "eating healthy" means that you do eat the "extra" foods you love on occasion.

Now, to be fair, I am WAY further on the "healthy eater" side of the scale than I used to be...but my resolution for this new year is to continue moving further to that side of the see-saw.

My plan is to start the year with the 90 day Epic Life Challenge from Epicure. I'm not doing it exactly as they have it outlined, but I'm taking the best parts (ie the daily journal) and applying them to what I believe is healthy for me.

My goal from this resolution is to lose the extra weight I've been carrying since starting steroid treatments (about 15-20 pounds), and to develop consistent food and hydration workout habits.

2) Goal 1 for this year is to do better at the Knoxville Marathon on March 29th than I did last year (which was 6:51:37).

3) Goal 2 for this year is to complete IMChoo 70.3 May the 17th. I don't have a time goal, just before the cut off (which I think is 7:30 but I'm not even sure right now...)

The habit I have to "form" (get back to) to make both of these goals a reality is consistent training.
The optimizer in me says it has to be perfect training, planned out and balanced and executed perfectly. But the truth is that consistent training that ramps up to the appropriate level will do very well. I didn't really train at all for Knoxville last year** and I finished it. I can't NOT train for a 70.3 and finish, but consistent training will get me to the finish line even if it's not perfectly planned and executed. And right now getting myself to a finish line is "good enough". That doesn't mean I'm settling for less than my very best (GASP), it means I'm being realistic that a 50 year old woman who is in recovery from an autoimmune brain disease is really doing great to be able to complete a challenging marathon and a 70.3 with a two month time frame. (Not to mention I'm doing the Little Rock Marathon on March 1st as a warm up event leading up to Knoxville.)

By consistently training I will be "casting votes" for the person I want to be (a person who consistently trains"). Last night before I went to bed I got all my swimming stuff ready. I woke up this morning and drove to the Y at 6am to swim...and they were CLOSED!! Long story short I ended up doing yoga today. I trained. It wasn't what I had planned. It wasn't "optimal". It wasn't perfect. But I trained and I didn't let the Y being closed derail me completely. I also didn't let the plan to swim today derail what I had planned for the rest of the day.

4) Resolution 2 is a little embarrassing but I shared it in my Spin class yesterday so I'll share it here... But let me give the lead up before I blurt it out. To be clear, I brush my teeth every day, twice a day. I am not the most consistent flosser, but I do that at least once or twice a week at the very least. I use a Sonicare brush that has a 2 minute timer on it. ...I don't usually brush for the full two minutes! I usually end up stopping it when I think I've brushed long enough. (GASP) So resolution number 2 is to use the 2 minute timer EVERY time I brush. And since I'm already spending more time...

5) Resolution number 3 is to floss at least once a day every day.

The optimizer in me just found a NEW Sonicare toothbrush that has an app that helps you brush PERFECTLY!!! (WHAT?!) I almost ordered one! But we are in a bit of a money crunch right now*** so I'm going to wait...but I WILL have that toothbrush before year's end!!

It's going to be the best year ever!! (Especially since I started my "new year" yesterday giving me two extra days...and it's a LEAP YEAR which gives another extra day!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Feel free to share your goals and resolutions in the comments, or email them to me; I'd love to hear what you have planned for 2020!

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.

For more information about Epicure: click HERE.
Or, if you'd like to watch a video instead: click HERE.

*Resolution also means "the act of solving a problem" which is a definition I really like when I think about "New Year's Resolutions". I used to HATE the thought of making resolutions because of the negative connotations and how most people don't end up keeping them. But when I think of them in terms of movement toward the person I ultimately want to be (vs a check/no check in a box) the idea is considerably more palatable to me!

**I realized while writing this that I didn't even write about the races I did this year! (GASP!) I will have to go back and write about how I completed THREE marathons and a half in just 22 days!! Mic drop.

***We are in a money crunch because the renters moved out of the house I bought when I got divorced. The house that was supposed to be sold 10 years ago. The house that is thankfully now worth what I paid for it again. (For years it wasn't even close thanks to the drop in the housing market that happened right after I bought!) If you know of anyone looking to buy a house in Conway Arkansas, it's a LOVELY house. It needs some love an attention, but it's priced to sell. And, until we sell it the optimizer in me will not allow frivolous purchases like a fancy toothbrush!