Steps to Success

A friend of mine posted this on FaceBook today and it really got me to thinking. 

Each of these steps are crucial in the ladder to success.

That first step is a total deal-breaker. I won't is pretty much a non-starter if you decide you simply will NOT do something. Go find another set of stairs for heaven's sake!!

Step 2: If you believe you can't do something, even if you actually DO the thing you won't own it. I remember when I told my running friends I wanted to run a 5K in under 30 minutes. They laughed at me because our training runs were generally faster than that pace. But I didn't really believe them. Until I decided to believe it was in fact possible, I was stuck on that step. Believing you have the ability to succeed doesn't mean you want to put in the work or that you know how....it just means that you believe it's possible.

Step 3: Making the decision that you WANT to do something really amounts to a dream. It's not a goal until you move on to the planning and working phases. But really solidifying in your mind that you absolutely DO WANT to do this thing ...and more importantly WHY you want to do this thing is such an important step that can not be overlooked. I have realized in the last 10 years I really do NOT enjoy riding my bike up (or even down) steep hills. I put myself through training and completing a grueling first Ironman that had BRUTAL hills on the bike course but I never really WANTED to ride hills. So for my second Ironman I chose a course with rollers instead of steep climbs. When you REALLY do not want to do something, you "can" get past this step with sufficient enticement, but it will be like pulling a heavy suitcase up stairs...you'll bump along with no ease or enjoyment unless you embrace the wanting. 

Let me give an example. I THINK I'd really like to train to do another Ironman. If I'm dreaming I THINK I would like to do Lake Placid. That bike course supposedly has about 8300 feet of gain on the bike course. It's not nearly as hard as Lake Tahoe's bike course was, but it's tough. If I decide I really will train for it, and that I really can do it, then I am going to need to embrace WANTING to train and race hills on the bike. OR I have to WANT to finish IMLP so much that I will gut out the hills on the bike with no enjoyment at all of the process.

IMLP elevation

IMLT '13 elevation

"I want this end so I'll suffer through the means to get there" really isn't pleasant. Just decide to WANT the means as much as the end. That doesn't mean the thing you WANT is going to be fun, and it certainly doesn't mean it won't be hard, but those aren't prerequisites to something you want!

Moving on to Step Three. Oh step three. "How do I do it?" Honestly, this is probably one of my favorite steps. That's why I'm a coach. I generally enjoy learning things almost as much as I enjoy teaching/coaching them!

Not everyone is like this. Very strong-willed and/or very accomplished people do not often like admitting they don't know HOW to do something. When my daughter was little I wanted to teach her to tie her shoes. She pushed me away and said "I do it myself". She didn't KNOW HOW to tie her shoes, but she wasn't interested in learning. It caused her a great deal of frustration.

I've tried to give swim lessons to kids like this. It never goes very well for either of us. For some kids it's a matter of trusting me/trusting the process. For others, it's about control. There's a girl I've worked with a couple of times who will NOT allow me to touch her when she's trying to float on her back. Now, she hasn't yet learned how to float on her back and she's as tense as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. If you know anything about floating on your back it requires you to relax in a very vulnerable position (head back, body out flat). This girl says she WANTS to learn, but she's unwilling to ask HOW or accept ANY help at all. People like that usually have a lot of "failures" along the way to get to that top step because they have to learn by making a lot of mistakes. It's like they want to reinvent the wheel by coming up with their own way to get to their goal.

Once you've decided you will do something, you believe you can, you inject sufficient desire and you LEARN how to do something, it's time to get to work trying to complete the task! Sometimes you are lucky and this step is easy. I'm going to say if you try and you immediately get to the next step you probably didn't set a challenging goal for yourself! A "FAILure" is really just a First Attempt At Learning! When a goal is difficult, there might be many attempts at learning! There's a reason the saying is "If at first you don't succeed, try, TRY again." (Instead of there being only one "try"...get it?)

That brings us to Step 6....you have learned how to do the thing you want to do, so know you know you CAN do it, right? Nope. Remember my story about the 30 minute 5K? Even showing me data that I had done this in training didn't get me to the "I can do it" step. I stayed on the "I will try" step for a while until I fully embraced "I CAN DO IT"....but just knowing you can doesn't mean you WILL. That's the next step...setting out to make the goal a reality.

Here's the cold hard truth. You might stumble up and down these steps a hundred times trying to reach the  very top ("I did it") step. You might, like most people, get stuck on a certain step (or three) along the way. You might camp out for a long while before you finally move on, or you might decide you want to move to a whole other set of stairs. 

Just wanting something is not enough to actually make it happen...

Thanks for stopping by and sticking around.

Make it a great day!

Doing the Thing

Not really doing Whole30...

A few years ago when I did the Whole30 I started getting the emails from Whole30. About half the time I read them (okay, maybe 1% of the time I read them, about 5% of the time I skim them, 90% of the time I save them "for later" and the other 4% of the time I trash them...but who's counting)!

The other day I saw a podcast Melissa did with James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits. I have heard of the book but haven't cared too much about adding it to the LONG list of books I'd like to read but just don't ever get to. But, I've been talking a lot in Spin class about resolutions (...a DECISION to do something*), solutions (HOW you are going to do it), plans (the actionable steps) and goals (how you know you have achieved the thing you want to do). So I decided to give it a listen...and it was AMAZING. I loved the podcast so much I've been listening to other "Do the Thing" podcasts.

Two of the biggest things I got out of the podcast were 1) casting votes and 2) stop optimizing.

In order to dive into those thoughts, let me share with you my goals and resolutions for the New Year:

So many memes on healthy eating...

1) Resolution one: I am going to be more intentional about eating more healthy. The optimizer in me
gets REALLY stressed out about this because what does "more healthy" even mean? Depending on who you listen to that might mean eat more, or less; eat more carbs, less carbs; go plant based...etc. Additionally I've had some recent tests done that show SIBO (small intestine bacterial overgrowth) and what healing from that looks like is a little fuzzy. The path toward healing from that is VERY unclear to me. The optimizer in me gets VERY stressed out looking for the "perfect" solution. The optimizer in me ends up not making a decision on what path I will take because that part of me gets so hung up on what path I should take I end up saying "screw it" and eating pizza (THE WORST POSSIBLE FOOD FOR MY BODY when it's the best possible version for my taste buds).

Casting a vote for "being a person who eats more healthy" means that more often than not I will make conscious decisions regarding what I'm putting into my mouth. I will (more often than not) know why I'm eating what I'm eating and eating it because I believe in that moment it's a healthy choice. Now, that doesn't mean I won't eat pizza...it might mean that I limit gluten and dairy filled pizza to VERY RARE occasions. I might mean that I sub out regular crust for a gluten free crust and sub out real cheese for vegan cheese. But it won't mean that I will never eat pizza again. I'll also eat donuts and have popcorn at the movies. I have come to believe "eating healthy" means that you do eat the "extra" foods you love on occasion.

Now, to be fair, I am WAY further on the "healthy eater" side of the scale than I used to be...but my resolution for this new year is to continue moving further to that side of the see-saw.

My plan is to start the year with the 90 day Epic Life Challenge from Epicure. I'm not doing it exactly as they have it outlined, but I'm taking the best parts (ie the daily journal) and applying them to what I believe is healthy for me.

My goal from this resolution is to lose the extra weight I've been carrying since starting steroid treatments (about 15-20 pounds), and to develop consistent food and hydration workout habits.

2) Goal 1 for this year is to do better at the Knoxville Marathon on March 29th than I did last year (which was 6:51:37).

3) Goal 2 for this year is to complete IMChoo 70.3 May the 17th. I don't have a time goal, just before the cut off (which I think is 7:30 but I'm not even sure right now...)

The habit I have to "form" (get back to) to make both of these goals a reality is consistent training.
The optimizer in me says it has to be perfect training, planned out and balanced and executed perfectly. But the truth is that consistent training that ramps up to the appropriate level will do very well. I didn't really train at all for Knoxville last year** and I finished it. I can't NOT train for a 70.3 and finish, but consistent training will get me to the finish line even if it's not perfectly planned and executed. And right now getting myself to a finish line is "good enough". That doesn't mean I'm settling for less than my very best (GASP), it means I'm being realistic that a 50 year old woman who is in recovery from an autoimmune brain disease is really doing great to be able to complete a challenging marathon and a 70.3 with a two month time frame. (Not to mention I'm doing the Little Rock Marathon on March 1st as a warm up event leading up to Knoxville.)

By consistently training I will be "casting votes" for the person I want to be (a person who consistently trains"). Last night before I went to bed I got all my swimming stuff ready. I woke up this morning and drove to the Y at 6am to swim...and they were CLOSED!! Long story short I ended up doing yoga today. I trained. It wasn't what I had planned. It wasn't "optimal". It wasn't perfect. But I trained and I didn't let the Y being closed derail me completely. I also didn't let the plan to swim today derail what I had planned for the rest of the day.

4) Resolution 2 is a little embarrassing but I shared it in my Spin class yesterday so I'll share it here... But let me give the lead up before I blurt it out. To be clear, I brush my teeth every day, twice a day. I am not the most consistent flosser, but I do that at least once or twice a week at the very least. I use a Sonicare brush that has a 2 minute timer on it. ...I don't usually brush for the full two minutes! I usually end up stopping it when I think I've brushed long enough. (GASP) So resolution number 2 is to use the 2 minute timer EVERY time I brush. And since I'm already spending more time...

5) Resolution number 3 is to floss at least once a day every day.

The optimizer in me just found a NEW Sonicare toothbrush that has an app that helps you brush PERFECTLY!!! (WHAT?!) I almost ordered one! But we are in a bit of a money crunch right now*** so I'm going to wait...but I WILL have that toothbrush before year's end!!

It's going to be the best year ever!! (Especially since I started my "new year" yesterday giving me two extra days...and it's a LEAP YEAR which gives another extra day!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Feel free to share your goals and resolutions in the comments, or email them to me; I'd love to hear what you have planned for 2020!

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.

For more information about Epicure: click HERE.
Or, if you'd like to watch a video instead: click HERE.

*Resolution also means "the act of solving a problem" which is a definition I really like when I think about "New Year's Resolutions". I used to HATE the thought of making resolutions because of the negative connotations and how most people don't end up keeping them. But when I think of them in terms of movement toward the person I ultimately want to be (vs a check/no check in a box) the idea is considerably more palatable to me!

**I realized while writing this that I didn't even write about the races I did this year! (GASP!) I will have to go back and write about how I completed THREE marathons and a half in just 22 days!! Mic drop.

***We are in a money crunch because the renters moved out of the house I bought when I got divorced. The house that was supposed to be sold 10 years ago. The house that is thankfully now worth what I paid for it again. (For years it wasn't even close thanks to the drop in the housing market that happened right after I bought!) If you know of anyone looking to buy a house in Conway Arkansas, it's a LOVELY house. It needs some love an attention, but it's priced to sell. And, until we sell it the optimizer in me will not allow frivolous purchases like a fancy toothbrush!

Will I? I Will...

Tomorrow I WILL complete my 9th straight Cotton Row 10K! I'm making that declaration now to set it in stone. It WILL happen.

my first Cotton Row 10K!

Let me explain by going back in time... For anyone who knows me well or who has been reading my blog, you can skip this recap. But for anyone else, hear me out so you'll have a more complete picture of where I am right now in my journey.

In 2009 I decided I would go from a mostly non-runner to a marathoner (I had tried several times in life to become a runner but it never really stuck). I started training and ran my first CR10K that year, injured (because I went from being a 40 year old "non-runner" to running too many miles too fast!). Fast forward through the years...triathlon training, becoming a coach, IMLT '13, IMChoo '15... I would argue that in 2015 I was in very good physical and mental shape. I had started a kids triathlon team and was race directing a kids triathlon that I had started. I was training HARD for a sub 13 hour IM and hitting most of my training goals. I had a near perfect day and got my goal. Shortly after that I started having weird symptoms. It was a long list of strangeness...that culminated in a diagnosis of Autoimmune Encephalopathy. Before I started steroid treatments I had started weakening and slowing. Autoimmune fatigue is like no other kind of fatigue I've ever experienced. I think at my "worst" I was only able to muster the ability to walk at about a 20 minute pace. Fast forward to when I stopped treatments...I thought I'd be making a swift and full comeback. Fast forward another 18 months to the beginning of this year....

I don't remember when the plan hatched but at some point I had the brilliant idea that my better half and I would participate in three marathons in four weeks. I picked three that had longer cutoffs to increase my chances of making the goal. (We direct the Rocket City Marathon...I wanted to be a Marathon Maniac and we had plans to work the expos of all three races. Does that make it sound better?)

Before the start

Marathon one was the Little Rock Marathon on March 3rd. I grew up in North Little Rock and went to college at UALR. Little Rock is like going home for me. They have a HUGE medal, a GREAT course, and like an 8 hour cut off! Their slogan is "a race for all paces". The back half of the course is HARD with some gnarly hills but I love this race. I did it in 2018 and came in at about 7:45 with a big blister on the bottom of my foot. My A goal was sub 6 for this year, but I didn't (couldn't?) train to that end. My longest run was 17.5 miles and my weekly miles were very low. But I still ended up coming in at 6:04! If I didn't have to visit almost EVERY SINGLE portopottie along the way I would have easily made my goal. (I still don't know what caused the bladder issue...)

One of the other things that made this race hard for me was caused because I FAILED TO READ THE PRE-RACE INSTRUCTIONS!! This is a classic "I've done this race before" mistake. I didn't think I needed to read the pre-race emails. In my defense, I don't think any of their email subject lines highlighted the fact there was new information there to read! (It's weak, I know.) In the past everyone (all paces) started together. This year you had to chose. If you were going to go over 6 hours you were supposed to get a special bib to start early (6am) but if you were going to be 6 or under you were supposed to start at 8am. I was HOPING to be under 6 but I really didn't know. I didn't get the special bib...and didn't really even know about it until the night before. The cutoffs were weird to me because it was supposed to be 8 hours from 6am. That would make it 6 hours from 8am but I had read somewhere it was 6:15 from 8am. I was concerned the whole time that I wasn't going to make it but overall I was very pleased with a 6:04 finish time.

Yes...I wore the Go-Pro!

Two weeks later was the Ashville Marathon. This one is held on the grounds of the Biltmore Estate! It's touted as "America's largest backyard" marathon! I got to run the front half with a friend I had met at RCM this year. When she peeled off, there was only one person in front of me and one person behind me that I could see. I quickly passed the person in front of me...and then found out the SWEEPER was right on my tail! The person who had been behind me caught up and started complaining. We actually had "plenty of time" according to the 7 hour cutoff but because we were the last people in the marathon the sweeper was with "us". He did NOT like that! He kept telling her to back off and saying how rude it was for her to be running with "us". I couldn't get far enough away from that guy! Other than his incessant complaining, that was such a LOVELY course!! The front half is mostly on paved roads but the back half is mostly on dirt roads. It ran through the estate and gardens, and through all the farms and the vineyard! It was so pretty out there! The worst part was the last couple of miles are this LONG out and back through a park. You go RIGHT by the finish like twice. It's so long and straight and flat I wanted to just stop. But I was happy that I passed like 15 people in those last few miles for a 6:15 finish! Again, I was pleased with that overall. I will say the thing I did NOT like about that race was the fact that they had PACKED UP POST RACE FOOD before I got done!!! Dwayne finished at just over 4 hours and they were packing it up THEN!!!

😡😡😡

I also had to pay for my post-race massage! That felt foreign to me since I've never seen that done before. But...it was also the BEST post race massage I've ever had! I was thankful for it because we drove back right after we were done (about 5 hours).

Two weeks after that came the Knoxville Marathon. It's been long enough now I can say I loved that race! That is one HILLY course. Start to finish. Hills. The half splits at like mile 12.5 or something and from then on I was pretty much ALL ALONE. Except there were still people at every aid station with PLENTY of aid and there were STILL people CHEERING on the course!!

I think the thing that hurts is the fact that there are about 2000 people who do the half and only about 600 who do the marathon. I could not get over just how ALONE I was the second half. And, it was so FREAKING HILLY. It was HARD. SO HARD.

At about mile 20 I hated everything (except the AMAZING people who were still out there cheering!) I actually called Dwayne and was talking to him when I realized the course was going onto a HIGHWAY ONRAMP!!! I was telling him I thought maybe he should come get me. I don't think I would have really allowed him to come get me but I really didn't know if I could make it another 6+ miles ALONE.

And then my watch started buzzing...(it's connected to my phone so I can see my texts). Apparently Dwayne made a facebook post with my live track asking for people to send me encouraging messages.

It worked. I actually starting crying. I wasn't alone anymore. I had people who were with me every step that last 10K. Cheering me on and being so encouraging.

I came in at 6:54. It's interesting because I can't say that I ever really wanted to quit and I didn't ever think I wasn't going to finish but it did make me doubt if I ever wanted to run another marathon as long as I live! But here I am wondering if I can train to run it better next year! Did I mention how HARD it was? But the people on the course were AMAZING. The town was AMAZING. And...there was SO MUCH post race food when I got done!! And, because of my sweet husband making a post and my sweet friends responding en masse with SO MANY texts, I can now say it was a great race overall. HARD but really good. I think I kind of have to do it again...

Somewhere along the way I saw the medal and shirt for the Bridgestreet Half Marathon. I didn't look at the timing of the race...I was just blinded by the awesome shirt and medal so I signed up.

It was one week after the marathon of marathons! But it also has a four hour cutoff so I figured I'd surely be fine. I ran with a friend who kept me running even when I didn't really FEEL like it to come in WAY under my A goal of "sub 3" ...2:40 to be exact!! I was STOKED!! That 12:13 pace was probably the fastest I had run in over 3 years! For 13.1 miles! After completing 3 marathons in the previous 5 weeks!!!

I felt like I was on my way BACK!! Finally!

I'm three years post-diagnosis. I've been off steroids almost two years. It seems like it's WAY past time to be coming back from all of this.

Post run photo!

Then...on May 2nd I did something I haven't done in all that time...I ran a FULL 5K!!! Ran the whole thing! I didn't walk even ONE STEP!!

Relive 'I ran a whole 5k!!'

I actually still can't believe I did it! 11:40 pace for 3.1 miles! NOT FLAT miles either.

I was so very happy. I thought ahead to Cotton Row and I got excited! My goal for CR10K was to run a mile and take a short break the whole time, walking up the big hill. But with this run under my feet I felt like anything was possible!!

Then, exactly one week later I got sick. Here I am 17 days later...still sick! Turns out it's likely walking pneumonia!! I have been on 2 prescriptions for coughing, 1 breathing med (that I couldn't take because it really hurt my stomach!), 1 antibiotic, 1 steroid shot and 1 round of prednisone. I do feel slightly better now than I did a week ago but I'm still coughing and still can't get a deep breath.

Just in time for my 10th straight Cotton Row 10K!

I checked with the doctor yesterday to make sure there was no medical reason I shouldn't do the race. She said I would cough the whole time...I can live with that. I don't know if the people around me will appreciate it, but I can deal with that annoyance so that I don't break my streak!

It's really not even a question IF I will.... I WILL finish. I might be the VERY LAST person to finish, but I WILL finish.

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around!

Holding on to the Why

Several months ago my daughter, potato2Ironman asked if I wanted to go to a race with her in Nashville called the Hot Chocolate 15K. Now I had heard of the race but had never done one. It's a national race that benefits the Make A Wish Foundation. They serve hot chocolate and fondue at the finish and, from what I had seen they have great racer swag. I said I would but not for the chocolate. I said I would mainly because it meant I got to do this really fun thing with her! She talked with the girl she nannies (who is 11, I'll call her Fortis*), and she was ALL IN for the chocolate even though I'm convinced she didn't have any idea how far a 15k was nor did she know how long it would take to finish it!!

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. Our training wasn't going as we had hoped. I took Fortis to the mall on a day with less than pleasant weather so we could spend some time on our feet. After about an hour of walking we had many conversations about what race day would be like. She was plugging along when all of the sudden a fire alarm went off! Now, I'm almost 50 years old and I've NEVER been at the mall when a fire alarm has gone off! Oh, and I found out in that moment that Fortis (which means brave in Latin) has a real fear of FIRES!! We took refuge in the car and after the fire truck came and went (and after I explained if it had been a real fire there would have been more than just one fire truck on scene), we went back in for another hour.

Fast forward to about a month ago. That was about all the training we really did and all of the sudden race weekend was upon us!! The three of us headed up to Nashville. We got checked in to our hotel and headed over to the expo.

Now, let me say, I'm a BIG FAN of expos. I love the excitement and hype leading up to a race. I love looking at stuff and just being around other athletes! This expo was held at the Musicians Hall of Fame Museum. It was small and dark but it was lively which is my main desire! We picked up our packets, bought some race branded merch and ...

TASTED THE CHOCOLATE!!!!!

WOWSER!!

I was expecting watered down Swiss Miss for the hot chocolate and some melted Hersey's for the "fondue" but what I sampled was truly the BEST hot chocolate I've ever tasted, as was the fondue. WOW!! It was incredible! I figured that was just the samples and race day would be a disappointment. Spoiler alert..it WASN'T!!

After the expo we found a vegan restaurant for dinner and then headed back to the hotel to settle in for a night of rest. But when we got to the room my stomach was not happy with the vegan food. I called down to the front desk to find out if they had any Tums down there I could come and get. To my surprise they told me they'd bring it right up!

I think "right up" must mean something different in Nashville than it does in my head. I gave up on the Tums after about an hour and decided I was fine without them. We FINALLY got comfortable and quiet (being still and quiet when you are 11 and away from home, about to embark on the biggest challenge or your life...yeah, it was hard). We played a nice "go to sleep" meditation from Head Space to help that process along. JUST as it was ending and we were all drifting off to our chocolate filled dreamland... DING DONG!!!  (Yes, the hotel had a DOORBELL!!) Tums. Thanks nice bellhop boy.

Okay, dreamland take two. Again...JUST as we were drifting off...DING DONG!!! My daughter popped out of the bed and flung open the door (thinking it might be the kids in the hallway messing around)...to find two hotel staff holding out bottles of water and a bag of salted caramel candies saying "everything is okay". We found out the next day it's part of their "turn down" service and they were just running behind. I told them I love a good turn down service, but not at 10pm the night before a race!!

Dreamland take THREE!!! It probably took another 30 minutes for me to finally drift off to a fitful night of "rest". Morning came much faster than I had hoped it would. Not to mention it was MUCH colder and wetter than I had wanted it to be!

We had scheduled an Uber to take us to the race and thankfully he wasn't from Nashville because he was right on time! We got to the start area in plenty of time to take some pre race pictures, stand in line for the portopotties and to find our coral.

The race was a combined 10K and 5K. There were nine corrals, A-I. All but corral I said "NO WALKERS". We were supposed to start in coral G (I think), but it was our plan all along to start off walking and then do a walk run to stay in front of the sweeper and keep the required 15:00 cutoff pace. So we moved back to corral I. About 2 minutes before we started, the skies began to open up with the first drops of rain. ...did I mention it was like 40*?

We were having a GREAT time...walking, jogging...singing at the tops of our lungs, cheering for other runners, seeing sites of Nashville. We weren't going to let a little rain dampen our joy!! Before we knew it, the 5K/10K split off was in sight. We heard the volunteers yelling the sweepers were coming (at least that's what I thought they said) and to hurry up because they were coming to cut people off!! We made it! As I looked behind me I saw other "runners" but I didn't see the sweepers. I couldn't figure out where they could be since we were just over a 15:00 pace. But we started in the front of the corral so they had to be back there.

As we walked/jogged along about mile 4, I saw an "Official Race Vehicle" drive by us. When he stopped at a road about a half mile ahead of us, I told the girls I knew that had to be the sweeper vehicle and he was probably going to cut us off. Turns out I was right. But he didn't pull us off the course, he just had us turn around and head back with the people who were at almost mile 7, effectively cutting off 2.5 miles from our race.

To say this was disappointing to the girls would be an understatement. On the one hand we didn't get pulled out of the race, but on the other hand, we were going to get a medal that said "15K" but our total distance covered was going to be about 7 miles. More than that, we NEVER saw the sweepers. AND, there was NO mention of a cutoff point on the course. AND if we had started in the corral we were assigned, we would have EASILY been past that point when Sweeper Man got there. The whole thing was like a punch to the gut.

Not to mention it was pouring down rain and FREEZING cold. And then poor Fortis' stomach decided to revolt. I think it was the sugar she had downed at the "aid station"...the sugar I had warned against but that seemed like such a treat at the time. Probably more than that, it was the disappointment and stress of the turn around.

But as we plodded toward the (premature for us) finish line, I was reminded how wonderful it was to be out there "racing" again. I mean, "racing" is not really what anyone would call what we were doing, but participating in a fun event. AND...there was going to be hot chocolate at the finish. If it was anything like what I had tasted the day before I just could NOT wait!! And it was going to be HOT!!

The closer the finish got, the harder it rained and the windier it got. We were honestly starting to become a little hypothermic. We crossed the line and found the "food" tent. Most races I've been to have a tent you can stand under to eat your food. Usually it's to get out of the sun. This tent was for the preparation and storage of the food, and participants were just walking up to get their serving, and left to nosh in the POURING rain. I think that (along with the sweeper/course cut off issue) was a race failure. There were a couple of vendor/race team tents that gobtuns (that's southern for "a lot) of people were huddled under, but no where warm or dry. I think if I were directing it I would have rented a tent and some propane heaters, but that's just me...

As we collected our post race goodies, Fortis was really in pain. Her stomach was not even remotely caring about the chocolate she had wanted so bad every day leading up to that one. And she was shaking from the cold.

We found the Farmer's Market and headed inside in hopes of warming up and enjoying the chocolate but we were so wet the cold had seeped down to our bones already! Poor Fortis ended up pouring her hot chocolate out and although the fondue was a little hardened from the cold, it was still edible! But...as we were sitting there commiserating...in walked her mom, brother, and friends to surprise her!!!! I wish I had been able to capture the look on her face!! It was PRICELESS and something I'll remember the rest of my life! I knew Mom was on her way but the plan was for her to get there to see us finish. But since we got turned around at mile 4.5ish, we finished about 30 or 40 minutes ahead of when we were supposed to.

After the race we went back to the hotel to shower, change and pack up, then we all went out for a celebratory lunch.

In that first "training" walk with Fortis, I asked her why she was going to do this race. She said it was for the chocolate. I reasoned with her that she could just go get chocolate, she didn't need to do a 15K for that. She then added, it was for the medal. It was a golden chocolate bar! But at the end of the day it was for the experience of the journey. Embarking on a hard thing for the sake of saying you did that hard thing (or did as much as you were allowed), and overcoming obstacles and struggles...that's what it's really all about.

The real goodness is not at the finish line. It's in the journey.

Thank you for joining me for this goodness!!

Relive 'Hot Chocolate 15k {turned 10k+}'

I Am Determined to Be Okay

...even if my health is not what I might want it to be.

A while back a friend told me I needed to get really mad. I need to rage against this thing. I needed to beat a punching bag and scream. But I've done a lot of that in my life. (Okay, I kind of did that very thing this morning...ask Dwayne.) But it doesn't do anything except cause pain. Getting mad doesn't make anything change. Being angry just keeps the hurt in and the change away. Raging against something doesn't make it different.

I really don't have to be mad to be determined.

I have waffled in my determination in this last year and a half. I have had many times that I have just been tired of trying. I have had times when I have just given in.

Those times don't last. They don't last because that is not who I am. I'm not a quitter. I have quit a lot of things in my life, but I am not a quitter. I don't give up. I don't give in. I don't back down. (At least not for long.)

Part of the issue for me is that when I renew my strong will, I can end up taking on too much at one time. I don't just vow to make small changes and build my way into strength. I don't just take small bites of the whale, I try to stuff that whole thing in my mouth at one time!!

That's not a bad thing unless I get choked and spit it all out.

Here's the thing...I can only do so much. I can only "control" so much. I can only work so hard. I realize everything is not up to me, but some things are. Many things are.

I'm at my heaviest weight. I've been here before, a few times actually. This is my "line in the sand", my "wake up call" weight. My "what are you doing" weight. My "things have to change" weight.

I want to be clear. It's not the number that really matters. It's what's behind that number FOR ME. For me this number means I have not been taking care of myself in the best way I know how. This number means I've stopped chewing the whale and spit it out. It means I've stopped trying. It's a symptom. It's a sign.

But it's not over until it's over.

I've been sort of waiting until I was done with steroids to get serious about trying to lose this extra weight. I didn't gain it all from the steroids, but about 15 pounds of the 20 I'm going to blame on steroids. Well, I'm done now. It's time to get back to eating that whale.

Again, the number on the scale is not the critical thing. The most important thing is what I'm doing to take care of myself: eating healthy food that fuels my body, moving my body, feeding my mind and my soul...and doing those things because I am worthy of health not because I'm wanting that number to change. Not even because I think doing those things will change what's happening in my brain/body. It's about doing those things because that's what I KNOW is the best for me. It's certainly NOT best for me to eat the amount of sugar I've eaten in the last week. It's not best for me to be sedentary. It's not best for me to wallow. It's not best for me to quit being determined.

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around.

"Melinda Mae" by Shel Silverstein

The Truth

People will ask me "How are you doing?" And usually I say something like "I'm going okay" or "I'm getting better all the time." And, that's true, but it's not really the truth, at least some of the time.

The truth is, I'm not doing well. I'm struggling right now. I don't actually think the steroid treatments are working like they should. I walked into the locker room at the Y the other day and I didn't know where I was. My head feels like it's going to explode a good bit of the time now. I'm struggling to find words more than I would like. I'm having to check my calendar a hundred times a day to make sure I'm where I'm supposed to be.

But...I AM better than I was a year ago.

For as long as I can remember I have been a person who tried very hard to focus on the positive. If things were going poorly I would tell myself they could still be worse. Things can always be worse.


But the truth is that things could be A LOT better right now. And the truth is I don't know how to make them better. My MO has always been to simply focus on the positive and not let the negative pull me down. But my MO has also always been to focus on making things better.

I don't think those things REALLY go together.

Let me give an example. Say I take a test and I get a 98%. Focusing on the positive would be celebrating the 98%!! YAY! But I wouldn't do that. I'd look for the reason(s) I didn't make a 100%. To spend time focusing on that 2% is NOT focusing on the positive, especially if that 2% can't be made up or changed.

I think the truth is that I would be upset over the 2% FAILURE but I would put on a happy face and tell myself (and other people) that things could be much worse, I could be a 3% FAILURE!

There's something very disingenuous about that. To feel like a failure internally and to put on a happy face about that feeling of failure. But I don't think the answer is to proclaim failure. I am learning the answer is to maybe say "I feel sad that I didn't make 100% but it's okay"...if that's the truth. If that's not the truth then maybe spending some time working on making that the truth is a better use of time as opposed to working on ways to correct that 2%??

I'm sure you can tell I'm struggling here....and it's not the brain disease causing the struggle.

I think for me when I say "I'm doing great", I want that to be true. I recognize the truth of the statement. My situation could be SO MUCH worse that I really am doing great when compared to a lot of worse things that could be happening. But there is another very equal truth I (usually) don't say.... I'm not doing okay right now.

I don't want how I'm "doing" (my state of being) to be dependent on how I'm feeling. I want to be the master of my feelings, the master of my perspective. And, I've always held the belief that my perspective determines my feelings.

Feelings are fickle. Feelings are dependent on the circumstance. Feelings don't care that things could be worse, they just feel how they feel. Like unruly children.

That feels very chaotic and random. If my feelings determine my state of being (how I'm doing) then I can't be positive. I can't make it a great day. I can't embrace the idea that things could be worse because sometimes I feel pretty darn bad.

But what happens when a child is trying to express something and they aren't heard? They get louder and more unruly. Adults who don't understand this can work to suppress the child even more and you end up with a downward spiral that doesn't serve any good purpose at all.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I go around trying to suppress my feelings. I just try to get them to line up with my beliefs about life. Things could be worse. I don't accept negative. I work toward being better, always. Feeling sad or hurt (or grieving over how things are not the way I want them to be) is just like that 2%...it's something to correct.

It's like there's this battle. I feel ashamed for grieving over the state of my health because I have friends who have much bigger health struggles going on right now. I feel like I have NO RIGHT to be upset over the little things I'm dealing with. At the same time I want to make those little things better and I simply do NOT know how. (Depending on who you ask there isn't a way to make them better--I do NOT accept that answer!) That causes a feeling of helplessness that I refuse to tolerate. Helpless is vulnerable.

Maybe the key is just feeling the grief I have over the state of my health and being honest that things are really not good without the judgement that I have no right to feel that way. Or maybe the key is to accept that 98% is really good and to completely celebrate how good it really is without trying to make up the 2% difference??

...The problem is that I don't really have a good perspective of what percentage of failure I'm at right now. I'm not dead so I'm better than 0%. But I'm certainly NOT close to 100%.

To not work to correct the percentage of "failure" I'm living in right now feels like giving up. To not grieve over the loss feels dishonest. I think I'm being stretched to allow both to be true at the same time. Grieve and work, but at the same time celebrate where I am and rest from all the work and grief.

A goal I've had for a very long time is to bring myself fully to life. The truth is that's complicated and messy and really very hard.

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around. I realized I didn't write about the RACE I ran in February!! I'll post a recap soon. It will be nice for this running blog to actually have some posts about running!! :D

Part 1a...Beyond Flesh

I have an adoptive brother. My parents didn't adopt him, I did. It's a long story how it came about but suffice it to say he's the best brother by another mother I could have ever dreamed up. He's a deep thinker like myself. Much like a personal trainer will push your physical limits sometimes, he challenges my thought process, sometimes in very uncomfortable ways.

After my last post he asked me two questions:

1) Who are you? (I ask this question ALL THE TIME in my Spin classes...thanks for throwing that back in my face buddy! :D)
2) Why does your current amount of flesh bother you.

If you choose to keep reading, here's the only warning I'm going to give...this is about to get very deep, very fast. I'm also going to talk about some Bible verses, but you don't have to be a Christian to appreciate Biblical truth. So buckle up and hang on...

I'm going to back up a bit to something that happened a while back first.

A couple of my friends shared a blog post on Facebook several months ago that was written by a "larger" woman. I don't know anything about her, but this post was talking about how some reasons people gain weight are "socially acceptable" but generally people are judgmental regarding weight gain. She mentioned having dinner with a friend who tried to gently inquire about the blogger's recent "substantial" increase in size. She also mentioned in a round-about way that she was eating her feelings instead of feeling them because they were painful. She ended by essentially saying her weight and her state of health were no one's business but her own. She sounded very angry and defensive when she proclaimed love for her large body. My friends, and their friends, were all praising this woman's courage.

...uh...I'm sorry...that's not what courage looks like to ME. Courage, to me, is the ability to be transparent and honest. Courage, to me, is the vulnerability to experience all feelings, even (especially) the painful ones. Courage, to me, is the ability to do the hard things in life when you don't feel like it. Courage, to me, is the willingness to live in COMMUNITY with other people, even (especially) those who don't think/believe what you do. Courage, to me, is to speak (your) truth in the face of opposition. Courage, to me, is to really dig to FIND truth, not just expressing what feels good or what's easy or what you think other people want to hear from you.

In all fairness, my friends, and their friends, probably read all of that in this woman's blog. They read it through the filters of their own eyes. I read it through the filter of my own experiences and my own place in life and my own beliefs of what is "best", of what it means to "love oneself".

Additionally, another cord was POUNDED on with me in this post. She had dinner with a FRIEND who expressed CONCERN for her. It felt very much like she (and my friends and their friends) were saying "my life is NO ONE'S business by my own". That is a very surface life in my opinion. That's FINE if that's the experience you want in life. Keep yourself sheltered from potential pain. But guess what, in doing so you also keep yourself sheltered from deep love. You can't push people away and expect them to be there when you need comfort.

The two points I desperately tried to make were:

1) When we love someone, we ask them hard questions and we come alongside them in life, we are CONCERNED about them. Sure, we have to be invited in, but...let me be clear, if you invite me to have dinner with you (or accept my invitation to break bread) I am NOT the kind of person who will leave things at a surface level for long. But if you know me, you knew that already! :D

2) She sounded VERY defensive so I didn't buy this "I love myself" line she was tossing out. She said she was anxious and she was eating painful feelings. She was defensive with this friend. She sounded VERY angry. My friends (and their friends) were saying that she was angry because society places norms on people and people are judgmental and hateful. My argument is that the only time judgment will hurt you is if you are already buying into it within yourself. Something can only hurt if it hits a nerve. That nerve is in YOU. Sure the outside world might have "created" that nerve but you watered it, fed it, and have protected it with barriers. How about you do the work of making that nerve not hurt by HEALING it??

This brings me back to my brother's questions.

I conveniently skipped the first one. I said I wanted to think on it. But I answered the second one like this (edited to correct Siri dictation misinterpretations)

I do not like the way that flesh jiggles! It jiggles when I walk when I move when I do anything! The only time I have ever had really jiggly fat was after my children were born. Although that brings up really good memories, I do not have an infant to show for all the jiggly fat! I also do not like the way my clothes fit. I have never liked my pear/gourd shaped body. But with this new addition of a Buddha belly, I am very unhappy! I also do not like the feeling of being completely out of control with food. Yes, I hear how that sounds, and I have decided to be OK with that! If you can imagine an alcoholic who is drinking… you would not have to ask why that is a problem. Everyone has to eat. But we do not have to eat the whole container of Oreos at one time. We do not have to eat highly palatable processed junk food at all. I feel like at this point I need to be giving my body what is the healthiest for it. You would never consider feeding a dog you love chocolate for every meal. Because chocolate is very unhealthy, even fatal, for dogs. You would not feed your self dog food! This gets a little bit trickier when we're talking about Oreos! But, it's really very close to the same thing…sort of! It's not really the fat I dislike the most. It is what that represents. I have been completely out of control and unhealthy. Out of control and unhealthy has created the fat. If I could take a magic pill, or get liposuction, in order to get rid of the fat, that would not solve the real issues. 

So he came back and said (in part)

There is a danger of letting circumstances determine who you are*. That is not a good thing....Now, take the next step, should you be worried about these things? Based on WHO YOU ARE, are there more valuable ways to spend your time?  maybe yes, maybe no, I don't know.  But, make sure you know.  

(*This has been a big thing I've talked about in Spin class as well... Maybe this is my clue to just stop talking in Spin!! :D  ...as if THAT ever could happen.)

Last warning...if you thought that was the "deep" part, you were wrong, that was just scratching the surface. (If you want to, you can skip to the last part of the last paragraph...I bolded it.)

Here we go...

My answer (edited...this isn't an exactly what I said in the email...)

So....really it's less about body image than it is about being out of control. Control isn't important to me, it's the MAIN THING!! But, "self control" is a fruit of the Spirit. Looking in the Amplified version, it's only actually mentioned 25 times as "self control" so maybe it's not as big of a deal as I make it out to be...and I am POSITIVE it's not supposed to be something I try to muster up on my own. But there is a measure of responsibility on my part. 

Out of control with food represents 2 things TO ME gluttony (over indulgence of food) and idolizing (the immediate taste of) food over (the health and vitality of) my body. The fat in my mind is the product of being out of control. The problem is that now I'm not completely sure about that idea because, from what I understand the fat is going to be there no matter what because of the steroids. That takes the external measure off the table (possibly). OR it means I have to be all the more vigilant to maintain self control because the big "reward" (the body image I associate with being in hyper control) is not going to come. 

THIS is the dilemma. I feel there's a disconnect between control and reward. BUT...(and THANK YOU SO MUCH for FORCING me to think about this)...the reward IS the self control....and self control brings perseverance (2Peter 1). But before self control there is diligence, moral excellence and knowledge.  I've been focused on the wrong reward. 

What's funny is I talk about that all the time (mainly in Spin) and I've missed it. THAT is the THING!! I believe God will bring me back again and again to a lesson He is trying to get through my thick skull. When I find myself struggling with the same thing over and over again I try to figure out what is the reason...what is He trying to teach me. I haven't ever figured it out with this "food" (any "addiction") thing. 

"Daisy" and I have had MANY discussions on what she has learned from her year with Lyme disease and every time I think "but I have no idea why God is taking me through this brain disease thing"...and I stop pushing because 1) I know He will get through to me at some point and I don't have to manufacture it on my own (because I'm usually wrong) and 2) I start to think that sometimes things just happen because we live in a fallen world with disease.  But I have trouble with number two because God is NOT random AT ALL. I think it's like higher level math (that I don't even begin to TRY to understand). Dwayne says it "looks" random but there's no way it is because math is logical and makes sense, we just don't have the capacity to understand all of it (yet). 

Funny because I was thinking about this for a long time after you asked..."who am I". My first thought was "an athlete...well, a wife...well, a mother, well, a follower of Christ...yes, that is ultimately who I am because that's my foundation"....but I wouldn't have ever connected those answers in this way if you hadn't said what you did and made me "reverse engineer it" in this way. THIS is an ah-ha moment!!! 

I wrote most of the following before I wrote the above... but I moved it to the bottom because it felt like a break from what I was saying... now I understand this better. The reward I have been connecting to with controlling food has been body image, then it was fueling, then it was body health....but ultimately it comes all the way back to diligence, moral excellence and knowledge.... 

I've been doing a lot of "research" on dopamine and how it can push you to do things the brain sees as rewarding. The brain really only responds to IMMEDIATE rewarding. Food, the rush of gambling, shopping, gaming. One thing that can be done is to REALLY focus on what the long term reward will feel like. That's one reason I like it when I tell people in Spin to think about the goal and to put yourself THERE in that moment, focusing on every aspect of the goal...the mind doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy. ((I think this is why Jesus says if you sin in your heart, you have sinned even if you haven't committed the act...and why He was so concerned with our heart over actions.)) So in the moment of WANT, putting yourself as fully in the moment of the long term goal as you possibly can will help the moment of temptation pass. However, one thing dopamine does is spur us to action. This is why I like to connect the goal to what we are doing in the moment ("rewind the tape in your mind's eye and connect it to the work you are doing RIGHT NOW...").  

Interesting thing....when you look at the fruits of the Spirit they are written in this order: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control... (Gal 5:22-23a). I heard a sermon a long time ago, as a new Christian, that they are in reverse order...that self control is the foundation, when you have that it produces gentleness, which produces faithfulness....and so on. That has always bothered me because I think God knows the order He wanted His words to be in. Again, I don't think the Bible (God) is random and disordered. But then when you go to the verse in Peter He puts it in this order: "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith moral knowledge and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love." Interesting. 

I'm still chewing on it (pun intended) but one thought I have is that the fruit produces the tree which grows the fruit. So the fruit of the Spirt is LOVE (and so forth), and when that seed is planted inside of us (through the Spirit), and we tend to that seed with diligence and supply moral excellence, knowledge...so on...we get to LOVE. I don't know if that's right or not but I do find it interesting the idea of "loving the skin I'm in" has been a BIG thing for me lately. If my "reward" ends with my skin (well, just a bit deeper if it ends with the flesh) then I haven't gone deep enough with that love. Not going deep enough with that love means I keep focused on the flesh. God has forced my hand a bit with the idea of can I love this vessel He has given me even IF it's fat and there's nothing I can do about it??

The thing is I KNOW this already...know it in my mind anyway. I have said OVER AND OVER that it's not about the body...it's about the "self", the "soul". That was the whole theme of a Spin class one time--"loving the skin you're in doesn't mean loving your skin or what you look like...it's about loving WHO you are". ((Don't you want to come to my Spin class (5:30am Monday and Friday at the Southeast Y.)) The problem I have is the "there's nothing I can do about it" part. I think I still have to do MY part of caring for my body in the best way I know how even if I don't get the "reward" I think it will lead to (ie body image, better fueled exercise or better health). Maybe the reward is one of diligence...which will lead to LOVE in the end??

From: http://artilin.deviantart.com/art/deep-thoughts-321908490; Isn't it BEAUTIFUL? I wish I could figure out how to purchase this. Not sure where I'd put it, but it's lovely.

Okay...deep thoughts are over, you can come up for air now!

If you stuck with me, or even if you didn't and you just skipped to the end...thanks for stopping by and for sticking around.
:D

Scarecrow to Pupa??

Several people have asked me to describe what has happened/is happening to me.

My initial symptoms were a bit different from what I've had in the last couple of months. I think the treatments I got early on changed things. Maybe they helped in ways I didn't fully appreciate because I was still having issues?

Some days I'm the Scarecrow.... It feels like there's nothing but straw up there. I'm scattered and distracted*. I can't fully understand words (especially written words). Well...it takes me A LOT more effort to understand. I might have to read a simple FaceBook post 5 times to get what it's saying. I have a VERY hard time thinking and an even harder time expressing thought. It's not really that I don't know how to say what I'm thinking...it's that words just aren't there. Sometimes it's that I have a word that I just can't come up with. (I want to say "I'm going to open the door" but "I'm going to open the fruitcake...the franderbobber...the nutshell..." is what comes to mind (or comes out of my mouth).

There are times when I'm either overly emotional** or have a lack of emotion or inappropriate/incongruent emotions.

Up until recently I had a headache EVERY SINGLE DAY. It wasn't all the time, and it wasn't completely debilitating. It wasn't like that early on. I know that because the first neurologist I went to was a headache only doctor. I remember telling her I wasn't having headaches. I don't exactly know when they started, but at some point I started paying attention and saw that I was having them every day. I realized yesterday I have not had a headache for several days!!! Sometimes you don't notice when something familiar is missing until it's been gone a little while. Now I did wake up with a headache this morning, but it didn't last.

I'm VERY weak and have no endurance. I get tired quickly. However, I was having to nap quite a bit and I don't think I've had a nap all week long!!! I'm certainly not able to run but I have been able to walk/run and I have taught Spin class the last two Mondays.

I have gained about 15 pounds. That could be from the steroids, but I think the biggest reason was how I was eating the whole month of June!! However, that could be a slight side effect from the steroids. I don't fully understand it but one way steroid use impacts the body is that it prevents glucose from entering cells. You end up with higher blood sugar, but the cells aren't getting their preferred energy source. This can lead to an increased craving for sweets/carbs. ((Anyone in the medical field who is reading can feel free to set any errors straight...I don't have a grasp on it and it's not something I've spent ANY time trying to understand!!)) Combine these cravings with added stress of my grandfather's illness and the sudden loss of my grandmother...combined with the stress of illness in general...combined with all the traveling I've done in the last two months...on TOP of NOT working out several hours a week?? It's a wonder I've ONLY gained 15!!

I do think the steroids are working (to lessen inflammation and to suppress the attack of the antibodies), but they aren't working as fast (or as completely) as I had hoped they would. In the past I've said "I can't always control my circumstances but I can control what thoughts I allow in my head." I'm finding that's not always the case. Some days I have an incessant replay of one tiny song snippet (for days at a time, NONSTOP, even in my dreams), some days it's COMPLETELY blank up there and I can't produce thoughts, much less words, without tremendous effort. But, as I've been writing this, I've realized that it IS getting better each week.

I am FIVE weeks into a 48 week treatment plan. To be able to say I'm getting better is REALLY GOOD. To say I'm not 100% stands to reason. I shouldn't be 100%...

I'm not the scarecrow...I'm a butterfly...well, not quite. I'm still in the process....

I think I'm the pupa, but maybe my colors are starting to show a little bit!

Thanks for stopping in and sticking around!!

* to be clear...I'm ALWAYS a bit scattered and distracted, but this has been taken to an entirely new level! **to be clear...I've ALWAYS been "overly emotional" but they usually are just "fully felt" not wildly unrelated to what's going on around me!! :D

Hard is not Impossible

Boy howdy does time fly.

A quick catch up. I went to Mayo Clinic and the diagnosis of AE was confirmed by one of the top neruo immunologists in the world. He devised a long term treatment plan that I have already started on. I had a three day round of IV steroids last Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Now I'll have one treatment a week for 11 weeks, then 1 every other week for 12 weeks, then 1 every 3 weeks for 12 weeks and finally 1 every 4 weeks for 12 weeks. Being on steroids means my immune system will take a hit so I have to take an antibiotic every day. Steroids can also weaken my bones so I have to take calcium and vitamin D. After the last steroid treatments my B vitamins were low so I'm also taking a B Complex. All that in addition to the Synthroid I have been taking for years. I take more pills than my (almost) 96 year old grandfather. ((He takes a B vitamin, and 3 prescriptions.))

Speaking of my Grandpa. In June I got word the he was given 1-6 months to live. He has brain, bone, blood and lung cancer. I was heartbroken. I went to spend time with him and my grandmother before I went to Mayo. I will be forever thankful for that time. When I returned home from Mayo I got word that my grandmother (not grandfather) had passed away unexpectedly.

I wish I could put into words how amazing my grandmother was and my grandfather is. Grandma was 95, Grandpa turns 96 in a few days. They lived in the same house my entire life. Up until just very recently my grandfather was still driving them everywhere they needed to go. My grandmother cooked their meals. They took care of themselves and each other and their little dog, Poncho (an elderly Chihuahua).

I have wanted to write up this post for a while but I just can't put into words all that I'd like to say so I stop writing and move away from the sadness and pain. But as I move away I am also tamping down the love and admiration I feel as well. So I'll just apologize now that this post will not be neat and tidy. It will be a jumbled up mess of emotion and thought...pretty much how I am feeling right now.

While I was in Dallas my grandmother fell, twice actually. She was in excruciating pain. The dr thought she had sustained a compression fracture. That would have been ideal in the grand scheme of things because there is a procedure they could have done that would have INSTANTLY taken her pain away. But, it turned out that she had broken her tail bone. There was NOTHING they could do to help, other than give her pain meds. The big down side to pain meds was that it caused her to basically stay in bed all the time except when she had to go to the bathroom.

When we are younger staying in bed when we are sick is just what the body needs to regenerate. We get rest, the body recovers and we are better than ever. But there's a tipping point along the way where being in bed is not good for us. (When my brain is working better I'll have a great analogy for this but right now I don't have it.) Suffice it to say my grandmother had tipped that point long ago. Being in bed was more harmful to her than good. Being out of bed was incredibly painful. But when she found out being in bed wasn't helpful, she forced herself to get out of the bed every day and move around at least a little bit.

My grandfather is the same way. The first week I was there he had become very constipated. (When you get older the digestive system slows way down.) I'll spare you the graphic details but this caused a cascade of bad events. But he too wasn't one to be relegated to the bed. He forced himself up and out every day, even if it was just so he could fall asleep in the recliner. He told me on more than on occasion "I have to get up and move, eat and get stronger so I can get better."

Let me remind you, he has cancer all throughout his body. He is about to turn 96 years old.

And, he is living life to this fullest.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Why? Because there is life left to live.

Hard is not impossible. Down is not out. The count of 8 is not 10...

Do you need some motivation for today? Check out this video: https://youtu.be/UNQhuFL6CWg



Thanks for stopping by and sticking around.

Looking Back to See What I've Learned

How about a post about running on my running blog?!

Monday is the infamous Cotton Row Run 10K. It will be my SEVENTH time to participate in this race. It is a thorn in my side. But we learn from our thorns.

Take a stroll down memory lane with me.

Year one, 2010. I had started "running" in January that year. Well...I started walking every other day for 30 minutes, and worked my way up. In less than SIX months I finished a 10K!! Looking back, that is freaking AMAZING!! At the time I wasn't thrilled. I had gotten injured because I wasn't a runner and ramped up my time/distance way too fast. I thought I might have a stress fracture and had an MRI like the week before this race. And yet, I still ran it. I finished in ...it doesn't even matter what my time was, I FINISHED a 10K and I hadn't even been running for six months! I learned to persevere through difficulty. (There were many other lessons that I didn't learn...)

Year two, 2011. I had been running for about 18 months. I had started swimming and riding a bike and had completed two triathlons by that point. I was feeling pretty good about where I was physically. My goal was to break an hour but ultimately I wanted to run my own race and do my best. I went BARELY over an hour but I finished that race feeling good about how I had run. Ironically a friend was at the finish line and caught the EXACT moment in time I realized I missed my goal by 24 seconds... I was disappointed about not making my goal, but I didn't dwell on it in the moment. I had raced the nag in my head and I had won. Well...until a few days after the race when that nag caught up to me... That year I learned you can run from that which chases you, but you can't run from that which is inside of you! (I'm still learning that one.)

Year three, 2012. I went into the race secretly hoping I would finally break an hour. I didn't train for that goal. I didn't have a plan to meet that goal. I just had a secret expectation. One that didn't match, or meet, reality. I did have a plan on how I would run the race (keeping my heart rate below 170). I ran that plan and got the result that matched the reality of what that plan would bring. But when I didn't reach my secret goal, I was disappointed. I realized if I was going to have any hope of breaking an hour I better train and I better have a plan. I threw down the gauntlet. I said 2013 would be my year to break an hour. Period. End of story. This was the year I learned about setting goals and managing my expectations to match reality.

Year four, 2013.  I had set the goal in 2012 saying "Next year I will have a plan for how I want to RACE this event!  I know the course, I know how I run it.  I will prepare and I will blow my time out of the water.  Mark my words." I went into this fourth year with a plan on how I would run the race. I had trained (some, although not as much as I had wanted because my shoulder had been injured since the previous fall). I had my goal FIRMLY in mind. And...I did it! I FINALLY broke an hour (57:43). I learned how to balance my expectations with reality and how to push reality to meet my goal.

Year five, 2014. This is the year I got summarily schooled by a dear friend who (whom?) I have "adopted" as my brother. In January of that year I had shoulder surgery. I had been going to PT and had JUST started running again when this race rolled around. My coach had told me it was to be a training run ONLY, since there was NO way I was ready to attempt to break an hour. I listened with one ear, and I ran the race as planned. I got the result I was ready for and the one I expected....I finished. 2nd worst finish time ever for me. I wrote up my recap saying it was "decent". My brother let me have it. (You should click on that link and read it...it's good.) He reminded me "I would never tell anyone who had given an effort they were "decent".  (And to be clear--anyone who starts a race gives an effort...anyone who starts to train for a race gives an effort...anyone who gets off the couch gives an effort---it's all relative, but it's all en effort!!)" Boy did I need to re-read that post today. Year five was all about remembering the big picture. I FREAKING ROCKED THAT RACE!! I was less than FIVE months out from shoulder surgery and I RAN A 10K!!! Holy cow! What was I thinking to say that was decent??!! Are you kidding me!? If I could slap that girl, I would.

That was the year I began to learn to honor my body and to began to learn how to be happy with the outcome my body was able to give me. Yeah...I'm still learning that one too.

Year six, 2015. I don't have a recap of this one. I wasn't writing much then. I had been struggling with my shoulder (still) and had been doing some PT trying to get ready for a 2.4 mile swim (in preparation for my second IRONMAN). The plan was to run with Dwayne, who was going to push me to a PR. This would be my first time running this race WITH my husband. Every other year he was my biggest fan. He followed me around the course and cheered for me and smiled at me when I needed it the most. This year we would run it together. But he woke up VERY SICK. Then we got to the race and found out a tree had fallen on the course so the start had to be delayed about an hour. He just felt worse and worse. But he ran anyway...until he had to walk. We did a walk run the whole time, holding hands along the way.

...OH...there was one thing that was almost as wonderful as running with my husband. I RAN THE WHOLE HILL!! Mountainwood isn't very long, but it's steep. Although I've run it in training, I had never run it in the race. Since we were doing a walk run almost from the very start, I got to that point feeling good. So I ran up the whole time!! But even that pales in comparison to the feeling of being with Dwayne the whole race. I was thrilled to find out a friend snapped this picture of us.

Best. Race. Ever.

I have no idea what my finish time was. I could look but it doesn't matter. This was the year I learned there's more to life than running races, goals, expectations and finish times.

So...tomorrow I'm registered for this race again, for the SEVENTH time.

I have a goal (finish the distance). I have a plan (walk run by HR and honor what my body and mind are willing to give me in the moment). In order to make that goal I will have to persevere through difficulty. I am managing my expectations and they match reality. I will NOT be running this race with the nag in my head and I will not be running with Dwayne by my side or as my cheerleader. (Dwayne is planning to race it.) I do have a back up plan in case my body (or mind) just won't give me what I think I want but I won't give up my goal or my plan just because it's hard.

Tomorrow, I am running this race for everyone who thinks they can't and for everyone who really isn't able. There will come a day when I am not able to run a 10K. The reality is tomorrow might be that day. But that's not my plan and that's not my expectation.

Stay tuned...
:D