Trashed?

In my younger years, oh so many years ago, the word "trashed" meant more than just slightly inebriated.  After I had kids the word was usually used in the context of "this house/room/car is trashed". 

Now I have a new way to use it....as in, "my legs are trashed."

I think I first saw or heard that sentence from the meth-head coach.  I had my suspicions about the meaning (re-read "meth head coach").  ((Just to be perfectly clear, in case there happens to be a new reader checking out my blog...he's NOT a real meth-head.  He paced me in a race one time and he seemed to have a better opinion of my ability than I knew was possible, and he was right.))

As usual, I digress...

I think he was talking about having just run a 12 hour race, or maybe it wasn't even him.....or maybe I've never even heard anyone else use the word in the context I'm using it ("my legs are trashed") -but surely I didn't just make it up.

I went out this morning hoping to get in a short speed work session in the 30 minutes I had available between commitments.  I knew my calves/shins didn't feel so hot before I even stepped out of bed...but I laced up anyway and headed out.  I did a slowish 10 minute warm-up then did five one minute sprint/walk intervals.   I haven't uploaded my Garmin data, but I know it wasn't great.

My legs don't necessarily "hurt"...but I can tell they are in need of some pampering.  I'm really glad I did the eight miler on Sunday, but, if I had it to do over again, I would have left myself enough time to ICE my legs immediately afterwards, I would have taken Monday completely off, I would have iced again off and on all day both days and I might not have opted to do the speed work this morning.  Again, I'm not hurt...but I do need to take a step back and remember to listen to my body.

"Anonymous" was right the other day when she said it's one thing to push my body to the limit when I am properly trained and quite another to ask it to do something without a solid foundation---okay, "force", or even "coerce" are probably better words for what I do some times. 


Wow.....this is a case of how writing takes me deeper into myself, to a place I haven't been before...to a new understanding of myself.....   

WARNING//WARNING!! Danger Will Robinson Danger!!  (I'm about to dive off the deep end of the ocean into full blown psycho-babble...keep reading only if you dare!!)


That is exactly how I treated my second husband.  I've had a pretty clear understanding of that idea from the night he left (the fact I was so demanding...).  In my mind, if he didn't want to do what I wanted, then all he had to do was stand up and say NO.   But, either of my ex-husbands, as well as my current husband, any member of my family and any of the people I worked with when I was an insurance adjuster (co-workers, insureds, agents and claimants alike) would say I "have" a VERY forceful, and sometimes overpoweringly STRONG, demanding personality.  (My current, and FINAL, husband has NO PROBLEM telling me exactly how it is!)  When my second husband left and I realized what I was doing to the people around me, I knew I had to either change or I would be spending my life as a sad, lonely, miserably angry person.  


I believe, for the most part, I've been successful in learning to treat other people better...not being quite so demanding, not being quite so unforgiving, and being more gracious and loving.  I believe I'm doing much better at letting people make up their own minds about what they want to do and being in real relationship with people without trying to control every aspect of what happen or demanding ANYTHING from them---just accepting and loving them for who they are and what they have to offer to our relationship.

As much as I've learned to recognize that behavior as it pertains to my relationships with others, I haven't ever turned inward and taken a look at the fact that I do it to myself. 

The truth is I demand my body to do things it may or may not be able to do....but if it doesn't do what I want, I berate and belittle it, and truth be told, even HATE it because it hasn't complied.  Even worse than that....when it does comply, I'm happy for a moment (maybe), but then immediately demand even more from it.

Said another way, I am not "ever" happy with myself.  I've learned how to be deliriously happy with other people, accepting them for who they are...more than that, LOVING them for who they are...and being able to be in truly healthy relationships with other people.  But, I haven't yet learned to "love myself"...as in "love your neighbor as yourself". 

I wonder if I can learn to love myself as I love my neighbor???  The most important implication of that...I wonder how it will effect my RUNNING???


Thanks for stopping in and bearing witness to my continuing psychiatric evolution.  Please, feel free to look in while I'm "on the couch*", or read a real post about running, real soon!

Honey...please be nice if you post a comment!! :D

((*for my foreign readers-that's a reference to being in a psychiatrist's office))

:D

Calorie Connection?

Yes, that's a man, but I liked the idea behind the picture...

Okay...so maybe it's an excuse, but maybe not.

I went back and looked at my food logs (I use "My Plate" on Livestrong.com)...the day before all three really good runs I had last week I ate "considerably" more calories than usual for me.  Last Friday (the day before the race), and last Monday (the day before the last trail run with Daisy when I was so upset because I felt like I "had to" walk but couldn't figure out why)...I ate "considerably" less calories.

Basically I set up a profile that has my height, starting weight (back in January), and a goal of losing 1.5 pounds a week.  (I update my weight at least once a week.)  Because I don't work out every day, I entered that I was "lightly active"...then on days I work out, I enter my activities and the program calculates how many calories that burns.  It then adds that amount of calories to my usual daily total.  I have no idea how accurate the "calories burned" really is, so I have no idea if I'm eating too much or too little.  I know I'm not losing 1.5 pounds a week and I rarely ever go over the calories per day, and when I do, I try to make sure my weekly totals balance out.

Anyway...I'll just come out and tell you....my daily calorie "goal", if you will, is currently 1201 a day.  As an example of the fitness calculator...today I mowed the lawn with a "power mower", it took about an hour and fifteen minutes.  According to the program, I burned 470 calories.  I think that's probably too much really.  It says that my spin class Monday and the 2 mile "race walking" I did Monday night burned a total of 658 calories.  Again, that sounds a bit high.  It says that running at an 11:30 pace for 90 minutes burns 1132 calories.  I thought the rule of thumb was 100 calories per mile, so that would be off by 332 if that's correct.

But, even if I "only" burned 800 calories during Sunday's run, I still ate a net total of less than 1000 calories that day.  Even if I didn't burn any calories in Monday's spin class or on the 2 mile "run" that night...I ate less than 1100 that day as well.   The day before the fantastic eight mile run I ate about 1700 total (then burned some off in the five and a half miles I ran that day).

I've said all that to say....just maybe there's a correlation between how many calories I'm eating and my performance on my runs.  Yes, I know fueling is important.  Yes, I know what I eat is as important as how much.  I'm just trying to really get a handle on "exactly" how much to eat and still be able to lose a little bit of weight with all this running and working out I'm doing...but still eat enough to fuel my efforts.

Opinions are like brains...everyone has one, but some are just more useful than others.  I read Runner's World forums every day on the topic of diet.  I have done countless hours of research on the subject.  Everyone has a different opinion on what and how much you should eat.  I believe completely you (I) have to figure out what works best for you (me).

The problem is, I'm a terribly UN-observant person.  Most of the time, it takes being hit over the head with a ton of bricks for me to see a pattern.  But, I do think it's pretty amazing that the day before all three really good runs I've eaten more than usual, and the days I've had "bad" runs--they felt bad (especially Tuesday on the trail)--I've eaten less.

I'm going to have to experiment some with this and let you know what I figure out.  That is IF I can figure it out.

Thanks for stopping in, come again soon!
:D

Woe is Me...

Yesterday's run was tough.

Saturday I ran the race and the one mile fun run.  Sunday I had an AMAZING eight mile run.   I should have taken Monday completely off....but I was feeling pretty spunky so I decided to go ahead and go to Hard Body's spin class for some run-recovery.  I know what you're thinking-that's NOT what recovery looks like.  But, let me just publicly admit--I went with the full intention to CHEAT.  See, the way I see it, if you don't put tension on the wheel, you really aren't working.

Wrong.  Not completely wrong, but wrong nonetheless!  My legs were really screaming afterward. 

They were really unhappy that night when I went and "ran" two miles with the NOBO group.  That group has the full gamut of abilities (well, relatively speaking of course).  There are people that can run 9:00 miles and then there are people who are doing good to walk a 20:00 mile.  Since I'm a mentor and not a coach, I have the luxury of choosing what sub-group to "run" with.  I set out with the run 2/walk 2 group.  Even within smaller groups there are people who have various paces so it's very diverse.  I ended up being the "sweeper" who gets to run with the back of the packer.

Let me just tell you...I LOVE the determination of the back of the pack person.  I was there in my group many times, one time I was WAY behind everyone else.  This particular person is battling some health issues and was well behind everyone else--and yet she was positive and upbeat.  And, she's making improvements every week.  I loved being able to help her focus on her breathing and slowing her pace down.  More than that, I loved being able to run in with her in the end. 

I think finishing strong is really key for me, mentally more than anything else.  That's one tip I've given to every one I've had the opportunity to run with in the group....and the one tip every one of them has been able to brag on week after week.

Tuesday I went to run the trails with Daisy.  My legs were not feeling great, but they haven't been feeling really great at the start of any run lately.  But, Tuesday, everything felt harder.  It didn't seem like I could really get good air in my lungs.  My legs seemed to stay tight.  And...just like in the race, and so many times before, I reached a point where I felt like I "HAD TO" walk.  It was much further in than it usually is when I allow myself to give in to laziness, but that really doesn't make me feel any better.  After I walked a minute, we started back again for a few minutes and I saw the road.  (Remember the road is "six minutes" to the car-with an slight uphill finish.) 

Mentally I was drained.  It felt like I was just not going to make it, so I told Daisy I "needed" to walk to the road (maybe 15-30 seconds).  When we started running again, I kept telling myself "SIX MINUTES to the car.  I can do anything for SIX MINUTES."  We got to the uphill section and Daisy started surging ahead.  I matched her and we pushed it in at a nice steady almost sprint.  If she hadn't pushed, there's no way I would have had the gumption to do it....even with my own voice in my head cheering "FINISH STRONG!!"

After I caught my breath, she basically told me NO MORE WALKING.  She said it in a much nicer way...something like she's convinced I really don't need to walk, that it's a mental battle that I'm fighting and there's no other way to get past it but to keep running even when I feel like I need to walk. 

The thing is I really don't know what it is that "makes" me walk.  I really don't think about it; when I do have time to process the thought that I "need" to walk, I tell myself just run to "X" and keep playing that game until I realize I didn't need that break after all.  It's SO darn frustrating after having some really great runs.  With the exception of the race, the whole last week has been phenomenal. 

Having said all that, the time we set was, by far, my best time up there on that trail (I didn't have my Garmin last time, when we ran the whole thing, but I still think this time beat that one).  The average moving pace was 11:27.  That's great.  I should be happy.  I should be ecstatic.  And yet, all I can think is "BUT I WALKED"....especially when I have no good reason to have "needed" that break.

Having no good reason makes it really hard because I don't know what to do to correct it, to improve.  If Daisy is right and it's simply going to take a "mind over matter" attitude and pushing through the "feeling"...I don't know that I've got the wherewithal to make that happen.


To make it even worse.  I feel horrible even complaining about "having to" walk a couple of minutes when there are people in the NOBO group who are out there proud as heck they finished walking two whole miles.  I was told there have been people in that group whose longest walks might have been to the mail box and back before setting their sights on a 5K.

I just ran EIGHT miles on Saturday....and I'm bemoaning the fact that I felt the need to walk during a 3.4 mile trail run two days later?  ...Well, yes.  Because I don't understand it.  I don't know WHY.  There needs to be a why for me to fix it.  Again, if it's just a matter of bring my strong will under submission....I don't know if I can make that happen.  Even though I'm fully aware that it's MY will I'm trying to get control of!

Thanks for stopping in...come again soon!