Grieving Loss

I have loved watching Survivor since the second season it aired.

I didn't love it the first season. In fact, I couldn't understand why anyone would ever want to watch such a stupid show. A bunch of castaways on an island voting each other off and someone wins a million dollars. That didn't make any sense to me. My (now ex-) step-son came home from elementary school talking about how everyone was watching this show so we turned it on one night. It happened to be an episode where two of the castaways were hooking up every chance they got. First of all--not appropriate viewing for middle schoolers. Second of all...GROSS. These people were supposedly not bathing and didn't have basic hygiene items such as deodorant and toothpaste. Not to mention every other factor that made this WRONG. So, I said we would not be watching that vile show in our house.

Fast forward to season two (in the fall of 2000). The first show aired and everyone at work was abuzz about it. I wasn't buying in. After several shows, a co-worker told me how it was a very different season than before. No one was having random hook-ups and the show was focusing more on the social interactions and physicality of the challenges. I decided we'd try again. That night was when Michael Skupin fell into the camp fire and had to be evacuated from the game. THAT wasn't what hooked me, it was the reactions from his opponents and the fall out surrounding him leaving the game. I can't explain it but I fell in love with the show that night. I have watched every single episode of every single season (including going back and watching season one).

It wasn't too long before I starting thinking maybe I could be on that show. I wasn't super strong but I felt like I could play a decent social game and I thought I could mentally handle it. I want to say it was in the winter of 2005 they announced a casting call in a town about an hour away from where I lived. I STRONGLY considered it, but I just couldn't wrap my head around being gone from my kids (who were 13 and 11 at the time, and a step son who was 15). It was 39 days not including the travel there and home. Plus I was  THIRTY SIX at the time...not a spring chicken anymore! (Oh little did I know.) I passed on it and just months later I was knee deep in an ugly and very painful divorce.

Every season since then I have watched with the idea of "maybe one day". As I trained for Ironman Lake Tahoe I would mentally construct my audition video. Following IMLT I had my shoulder surgery so I wanted to wait until I was healed from that. Then I was training for my second IM and didn't want to interrupt that goal. After finishing IMChoo last fall I started considering the possibility of auditioning a little more seriously. But then I started having the "health weirdness".

Ever since hearing "you have an incurable autoimmune brain disease" I have slowly begun to let go of the idea that I could ever be a castaway on Survivor.

Hear me out here. I don't say this because I would stop wanting to be on the show. I don't say this even thinking that it would be physically/mentally impossible. I say this because there is NO WAY the show would allow someone with my diagnosis to go.

Not having a chance at Survivor seems like a stupid little thing. It's really just a symbol.

A very ironic one at that.

Thanks for stopping by and for sticking around.
:D

Survivor Lessons

I LOVE Survivor.  I've watched every episode since the second show of the second season.  I can't adequately describe to you just how much I love it, or how excited I get watching it.  It seems to get better every year.

If you don't know anything about the game (is there really anyone who doesn't know??)...the game starts out with two tribes who compete against each other in challenges for rewards and team immunity. The tribe who loses the immunity challenge must vote one of their own members out. As the numbers dwindle, usually when there are about ten players left, the two tribes merge into one big group. At that point it becomes an individual game. If you win individual immunity you are safe from the vote and are closer to becoming the SOLE SURVIVOR.

The SOLE SURVIVOR, the winner of the game, the person who outwits, outplays and outlasts every other person wins not only the title, but ONE MILLION DOLLARS!! Not bad.

The game is not just a matter of physical and mental strength. It's a very social game. The people you are playing with choose whether or not to keep you around.   In the end, after the merge, the people who are voted off become the "jury".  (When there are only three contestants left, the jury votes for the person they want to have the $1M.)  Just like in life, the jury votes are based on wildly different things. Some of them have voted for the nastiest player because the majority of that group of people believed that was the meaning of game. Other groups have voted for the weakest-looking player because that person didn't rely on physical strength, but instead on his/her social prowess. You can't ever tell which way a jury will swing.

Something happened on a recent episode that has never happened before in the history of the show. Not one, but TWO people quit. Just simply quit the game. I had to look it up, because I only actually remembered a couple of them, but in all of Survivor history there have only been six contestants to voluntarily leave the game (we're now in the 21st season!).

Now, let me say....a lot of players THINK about quitting, a lot of players TALK about quitting...but most of them stick it out.  One player this season had to be talked out of leaving early on (by fellow tribe-mate, legendary coach Jimmy Johnson).  That player, Holly, did her very best to talk the other players into staying...even though their leaving would bring her two steps closer to being the winner of the game.  She said, "you signed up for something now suck it up and finish it".

That statement, and that attitude has really stuck with me.  Much like the sayings I got from this blog, "behave in accordance with a decision previously made", as well as "suck it up, buttercup"..."you signed up for something...finish it" will go into my file of mantras.  Not that I've ever even considered not finishing a race, but with the idea of "finishing", for me, comes the idea of finishing well.  I'm tired of that feeling after a race that I could have (and should have) done much better. 

At some point, just surviving can't be enough....I want to THRIVE.  My "race" is this Saturday.  My goal is to leave it all on the course....to do my very best, the whole 3.1 miles.  My A goal is to run my first sub-30 5K.  There, I said it.  That's what I want.

Thanks for stopping in, come again soon! :D