Knowing When to Say "Enough"

Well....I didn't even finish 3.5 this morning.  Well, I did finish it, but I walked about 1/4 mile in the middle.

My lower legs feel exactly like they did when I was training for Cotton Row.  I want to believe it's food related.  It's the thing that makes the most sense.  If I'm being very honest...it's the thing that gives me the most control.  If it's the food, that shall remain nameless, then not eating it AT ALL will result in less, or no, pain....allowing me to not make the decision that has been hanging over my head like a black cloud.  If it's the nameless food I have eaten as much as five times in the past week, that would explain why some days the pain is worse than others (based on what I have eaten).  If it's this food that I won't condemn because I really do love it that is causing me the pain I'm feeling in my legs, then it's NOT just because I'm a  big whiny butt.

I've been saying for a while, if I could have just one food "back", it would be THIS food.  It's in everything good.  I love it.  It's almost impossible to find food, especially at restaurants, that doesn't have this in it.  And, I know what you're thinking--probably the same thing I have thought many times, food can't cause pain in your body.  Come on.  But, there's a very strong correlation between when I eat it and how my body feels.  Undeniable really.  And yet, I'm not ready to tell it like I think it is.  I'm not ready to point the finger at this food.

Well, anyway...enough about that food I'm not going to name.....  I started out feeling okay.  My legs didn't feel great, and I didn't feel good at all...but I was running pretty strong, and feeling quite good.  At some point (about a mile and a half),  I felt that all too familiar "bee sting" sensation in my right calf.  It wasn't too bad--like a bee that didn't quite get its stinger all the way in, but it did break the skin.  I decided to ignore it, thinking it would go away. 

 It didn't.  It kept getting worse.  I walked a bit and told Daisy I wasn't going to make it.  She thought I meant the eight we had originally planned to go...I meant to the end of the trail.  I tried to run again after a few steps, but it really did hurt.  I had some flashbacks to Cotton Row training and all the pain I had (off and on...probably worse after eating this nameless food that I found out my body can't tolerate according to blood tests).  I tried to stretch, but it didn't feel muscle related.  It feels like it's in the bone...the same way it felt before.

I tried rubbing on the spot that hurt-and that just made it hurt SIGNIFICANTLY more.  I decided that walking hurt at least as much as running, so when we got out to the road,  I decided to go ahead and run the rest of the way.  The pain let up a bit, but when we stopped it was almost excruciating.

There is a very big part of me that doesn't want it to be the food that I think it is...because that would mean I could eat it!  But, at the same time, if it's the food, and giving it up is all I have to do in order to run better.  I think I would be able to give it up.  I think I would be able to say "I've had enough of this food."  I'd much rather say "enough" to the food than to say "enough" to my runs.

Thanks for stopping in, come again soon!
:D

Exercise in Will

This morning I woke up feeling AWFUL!  My head is pounding.  Every joint in my body feels like it's surrounded with fluid.  My throat hurts.  I'm drained.   (I ate a food that's on my "no-no" -allergy- list yesterday...this kind of feeling "always" follows eating that food.  Maybe I'll remember that the next time I want to eat it.)

Today is my "long run" which should be 8-10 miles (probably 8 since I'm running my first half next Saturday!!!!).  I don't feel like doing it.  I want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.

....I already have my running clothes on.  I will go.  I will do it.

Run Like a Mother had an post yesterday about a (very) pregnant blogger who has what I think is a very interesting way to "chunk up" a long run.  Basically instead of telling herself she has to run 20 miles, she just says she's got to run 5.  She runs five miles out...rests a minute...then tells her self she's got to run 5 miles...runs back....gets to her car and tells herself she thinks she'll go for a 5 mile run today and goes 5 miles in a different direction...rests and tells herself she wants to run 5 miles....runs back.   Twenty miles down, 3 very short rest stops.  If I were running alone, I would try that today in 2 mile chunks.  I could easily run TWO miles. 

Thankfully I have another motivator today-I'm meeting Daisy and Warrior on the trails.  I really like both of them and would hate to miss the opportunity to hang out with them.  Not only that, I KNOW I'll feel better when it's done.

"See you in another life, brotha'."   .....

You Got This Girl!

As usual, I started this morning steeped in apprehension over my planned run with Daisy. I don't know when I'll ever get over that feeling. I don't think...no I know it doesn't have anything to do with her. It's really all me. I don't think I'm as nervous when I plan to run alone, because in the back of my mind I know I can always slow down...walk...cut the run short even stop if I "need" to.  But, running with someone who is proven faster/better than me means I MUST do my best to do my very best.

I think most days I am worried that I won't do my best.  I don't even think it's as much a matter of not being ABLE to run a certain pace or distance.  I think it's more a matter of "knowing" or thinking I will "quit" before I really have to.

Again, this is the very reason I started training to run the marathon in the first place.  There is this thing out there that I can NOT reach without consistently training, without considerable planning and without perseverance.  It will not happen by chance.  It will not happen automatically.  It will not happen without pushing myself further than I point where I feel comfortable.  It will require more of me than I am used to giving....more than I may "want" to give, or feel like giving in the moment when it truly counts.  Sure, I can talk about it all day long, but am I willing to do more than I "want" to do??



So far, on most of my runs with Daisy, I have either felt good and kept going...or I have felt bad and "quit" early.  Monday, after my one mile stretch and my two mile walk break (at two miles, not two miles long)....I mentally decided that I would not stop and would not give in to the feeling that I needed to.  I mentally decided I would just keep going.  From mile 2 through the end (3.4), I pushed myself past the horrible section of the trail...I pushed myself through the section where I can see the gate that leads to the pavement...and I pushed myself along the paved "six minute" home stretch....and I pushed myself HARD up the little incline at the end. 

Monday it was hard.  Monday I had to keep the decision I had made after my walk break to not walk again, to not stop and to not give up in the very front of my mind.  Even in my incessant babbling, even in my intent interest in what Daisy had to say (because she provides just the BEST conversation)....I had to fight a mental battle, telling myself that I would NOT stop and I would NOT give up.  Kicking in a surge at the end, with every exhale, I had to say (although I'm sure incoherently), "FINISH STRONG".  Over and over until I was well past the "finish line". 

It felt hard.  Not so much the physical battle (although that felt hard, too), but the mental battle felt especially hard.  After it was over, I felt like I had really accomplished something--mentally even more than physically.

Today....after we got started and after I was able to somewhat let go of the gut-wrenching nervousness that I seem to put on along with my running shoes--but only on the days I'm joining someone else....felt pretty darn good.

There wasn't one time in the whole run that I ever felt like I needed to slow down or walk.  There were a couple of times I had to remind myself of Monday's mental victory.  There were a couple of times I had to will my feet to keep moving...but not for long.  Just before we got to the horrible section of trail, Daisy mentioned that was her least favorite spot, and mentally I started to nose dive because it really does STINK.  But, I remembered how it felt Monday when I realized I had gotten through it...and I quickly made the decision I wasn't going to think about it.

The only time my resolve started to waiver was when I knew the gate sighting was coming up.  I shored up my potentially waivering determination and congratulated myself in advance for the GREAT JOB I was about to do.  I mentally patted myself on the back and gave myself the "YOU CAN DO IT" cheer...and kept going.  It wasn't like Monday when I had to keep repeating the cheer in my head like a broken record...it was a one time shout out to myself.

When we got to the incline, Daisy's exhortation of "you got this girl" sounded in my head as if yelled through a megaphone....but it was MY VOICE this time!!  I said it to me!!  And, what's more, I meant it!!  I knew it was true.  I didn't wonder if I would make it.  I didn't have to remind myself.  I didn't have to battle any other voices in my head this time!  I knew I had it...and I "easily" finished strong.

It wasn't our best time, but it sure felt good!!!  Not good as in, "I just finished a really hard work out and I'm glad it's done/glad I did it" kind of way...but in a "that was just the exact right amount of tough (mentally speaking more than physical) to know I 'won' a battle, but not so tough I ever thought I would lose" kind of way.  Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me....but, again, it felt really good!

You got this girl!!

Thanks for stopping in, come again soon.